Thursday, 24 May 2007

Wu wei (living with change)

I can’t blog. Just can’t seem to. I keep starting and then deleting it all. Nothing seems worth saying. Words seem empty. I’m all indecisive and mixed up and all over the place. We were supposed to exchange on Wednesday, then Thursday, now today. Will we ever move? What ill spirit is putting the dampers on everything? Because while, a week back, everything seemed to be going great guns (not just on the house but everything) now we’re stuck in the doldrums again. Calls not returned. Messages vanishing into the ether.

I can’t write, can’t draw, can’t clean, can’t do anything. Just sit and gaze out of the window (but not in a productive way). Letting the house martens hypnotise me as they sling themselves at the window, cutting it so fine, then an uptilt and into their nests. I wish I could be so flexible.
Last night we watched the deer, slanting down the hill at dusk. Then a fox sloping inbetween them. Half my heart winces at the idea of leaving all this. Half couldn’t bear to stay. Therein lies the problem I think – caught in the mid-place, stuck in the middle. It was funny that you were talking about that poster on CL – Janus. It’s a good image for how I feel at the moment, facing two ways at once – to the future and the past; to our old house and our new; life as it was and life as it will be. I know from bitter experience that the grass is rarely greener. I have made mistakes with houses before and dread making them again.

Sorry, this is just a splurge really. Words frustrate me so much at the moment. I want to paint, but can’t. I want to shake myself out of this inertia, but can’t. I should be drumming up more work but simply can’t be bothered. I let things drift.

Wu wei – standing out of the way to let things do themselves. Moving with, rather than against the nature of things.

So easy to write, so hard to do.

“Life lasts only a moment. Then another moment arrives and dissolves into the flow. We live our life from instant to instant. We realise that every experience of our lifetime has been impermanent except one. That there is an unchanging spaciousness in which all our changes float.”
Steven Levine, A Year to Live

Well, well. Look at that. I blogged. Can't load images though - ah well, never mind.....one thing at a time. jx

34 comments:

UN PEU LOUFOQUE said...

Sometimes you just have to jump in without thinking about what will happen I think for me that holds true with writing and life I think.

Comtemplate too long and it is lost.

Cait O'Connor said...

Well you have written and it is a
a lovely blog as usual.
Everything will work out in the end I am sure but it is hard being in limbo isn't it?
I've just read your 'Fate' piece and enjoyed that too. I believe in fate and that we create our own reality alongside, like your psychic friend says. When is the book coming out?
Caitx

bodran... said...

A horrible middle place to be at where inertia?? rules and its all down to other people very frustrating, The cork will suddenly pop!! and it will be full steam ahead..xx

Cait O'Connor said...

PS

I have drawn a tarot card for you and it was The Lovers

Love, beauty, attraction, perfection, harmony, unanimity, TRIALS OVERCOME, confidence, trust, temptation, romance, infatuation, tendency toward optimism, oblivious to possible consequences.

So I would say things can only get better!

Brownmouse said...

Oh, it's so horrible to have your life in other people's hands and be able to do nothing about it. Going with the flow may well be the best idea but it's so difficult to hand such an important thing over.

Although it never feels like it at the time, it WILL all be over sooner than you think and then you can start afresh.

Thinking of you

xx

The Country Craft Angel said...

I feel like that sometimes Jane hence I have been unable to blog in my Country Bumpkin blog for a while. Can't find the words, nothing worth saying-yu really strike a chord today.

I think for me it is because I am now driven to compartmalise and sort the demons out and so until I have finished whatever journey with the Orange Man I can't move on properly and clear my head for the main part of life.

For you it is similar-the easy way to put it is simply LIMBO. You are bound to feel like this until you have a firm exchange and dates and believe me-and so frustrating to be at someone elses mercy!

I promise, you will soon be running around like a headless chicken packing and you'll soon have those words flowing freely again-just no time to write them!!

warmest wishes and stay strong. Soon be there

Chicken Angelxx

toady said...

I was where you are now 12 months ago. Completely at the whim of other people and then having to translate it all from French. But we got through it, so will you, I know it.

elizabethm said...

walking is the best answer for me when inertia/greyness strikes. it will work itself out.

sally's chateau said...

I have exactly the same feeing over here, how strange x

ChrisH said...

I understand how you feel... oh the phone that doesn't ring. I hope you escape the Doldrums soon.

Suffolkmum said...

It's a horrible way to feel. Walking's a good idea - if you can summon up the energy to get out of the house! Really hope something hapens for you today. And you did blog in the end, and it was an entertaining as ever.

countrymousie said...

Well by anyones' standards thats a good blog - some days, weeks are quite ordinary arent they, life is like that. I think we have to remember that we all have times like that, and it doesnt mean inspiration has dried, it just means you are perhaps tired, or in your case, unsure. It will get better, you will move and start a new life and we will be here to hear all about it. love mousie

DevonLife said...

how shit - are you allowed to swear here. well i did.

Woozle1967 said...

I hate that not being in control of my own life thing. You must realy be feeling like the house doesn't want you to go right now, but follow your heart, Jane, it won't let you down. My mum and dad were in a similar situation 3 years ago when they were trying to leave their old place to move nearer us. They eventually made it - not to the house they thought they were having, but now they say it was all for a reason. Keep the faith.xx

Julie said...

lovley blog jane it will be ok in the end its just seems to take ages eh x jep

Inthemud said...

Just talking about how you're feelinmg became a thoughtful , powerful blog.
You are a woman on the brink, I like to Janus analogy. All will be well. Who said that?

Warmest wishes , dear Jane

E. xo

Grouse said...

Pent-up feelings, feelings heightened by anxiety, feeling on the brink of something new......you will be amazed by the creativity born of all this. This blog, for example. There will be so much to discover and your son will LOVE being in the village!

CAMILLA said...

Darling Jane,
Sending you lots of hugs, wish I was with you to cheer you, crack open that bottle and we could talk about life not going the way we would like it to go, life is a bit.. sometimes. I can understand how you must be feeling Jane, but for you dear girl, things will go right in the end, that black cloud will lift. Remember dear girl, we are all hoping and praying that house move will take shape eventually, and when it does, WOW, we are going to get one hell of a wonderful blog.
Camilla.xxx

Frances said...

Jane, Hope that you had a good walk today. I did, and it surely did help me.
Now, I am going over to check on Walker. Will write more over there.
xo

CAMILLA said...

Good Morning Jane,
Just popped in to say hello, sun is trying to peep through here in Norfolk. Gosh - 9am, and I am still sitting in Pyjams, I am thinking hot tea, and buttered toast at the moment. Then off to take dogs for their walks, mention that word and all hell breaks lose, scampering about. Enjoy your day Jane, hope you managed to get a good nights sleep.
Camilla.xxx

@themill said...

Haven't blogged for a week - just reading everyone elses and wasting just as much time. Thought of you on Thursday, I think, when there was a piece on radio 4 about your very problems of house moving. Sounds hellish.

MamaHen said...

Sorry to hear that it's still dragging on, no wonder you feel like you can't get motivated about anything. While reading it struck me that perhaps you feel ambivalent about moving because it's still so up in the air. Ignore if I'm stating the obvious. Hope things get sorted soon.

Pondside said...

Hi Jane -as you said, 'there, you've blogged'.
I don't think there's anything wrong with the inertia that you're experiencing. I've had some of those powerless waiting times (as an air force spouse I was for years officially listed with DF&E Dependents, furniture and effects, and was at the whim of the Crown). I think of those times not as the doldrums, but as the time for storing up the energy I'll need to go on do the big things that are just around the corner. My best advice is to ride it out, treat yourself gently and only write/paint or whatever when so moved.
It will happen. You'll be moved (literally and figuratively) and you'll need some of that stored energy.
x0x0x0x0 good luck!

annakarenin said...

We had a horrible time towards the end of our move. We found out we weren't going to be able to move into this house four days before we were due to exchange and complete and every time we tried to get tough they just threatened us with a previous buyer that was ready to go again. We ended up having to move out of our house on the 1st of dec because our buyers said they would pull out unless we moved out. My two eldest boys had to stay with my parents, my husband with his mother and me and the two youngest stayed with my elderly Aunt.
We finally exchanged on the 11th of dec and moved in on the 13th. But for 11 days we were basically homeless and I lived in complete fear that the sellers would just decide to go with their previous buyers anyway who were prepared to pay more. Thankfully they didn't and although we were putting our decs up on Xmas eve it has all worked out and we really love the house. The stress though unbearable at the time soon gets forgotten and is why we are probably mad enough to go through it again- not for a good few years though I hope in our case.

I do however understand the apathy and all the uncertainty meant that the house wasn't packed when I had to leave and we have ended up leaving behind stuff and loosing things which is really frustrating.

annakarenin said...

p.s Read your comment, I pop in on a Friday to copy up Walker so I will know when it is complete. I am struggling to blog at the mo and have been quite busy plus having a few probs with the connection which touch wood seem to have resolved itself.
Rachel

mutterings and meanderings said...

Feeling very much the same myself today.

LittleBrownDog said...

I think it's often like that when you're moving house - living in suspended time, with the feeling that it may all just slip out of your reach at any moment. I don't think there's anything much you can do, except just go with the flow. It will all happen in the way it's meant to - it is frustrating, waiting, but sometimes that's all you can do. Good luck with it all.

Posie Rosie said...

Just catching up. Lovely blogs as always, hugely entertaining, loved the one about the sex toys, and the fateful meeting, always happens when you are least expecting it. Hope this 'limbo' period doesn't go on for too long, fingers crossed.x

Grouse said...

Good luck for Tues. Will hold my breath until I hear from you

Blossomcottage said...

Oh how many times have I been in your shoes, it like hanging over the endge of a cliff, selling and buying houses is quite the worst thing, you will however look back and be proud that you got through it all AGAIN!! Chin up, pour a glass of wine, smell the roses, enjoy the view and hey ho all will be well. What you must remember is you are in the hands of complete baffons( not sure that is how you spell it but you know what I mean, and all you can do is wait. Thinking of you.
Blossom

Hopping Moon said...

For someone who couldnt blog its a very lovely blog! Thanks. I love the sound of the words wou wei - they seem to flow gently and floatingly off the tongue - I hope this will be how your move is also now.

Thanks for the information on Perrin - Greg met Perrin at Parliament at the Gibson Inquiry - no one practising here , but probably not strong enough to cope - already been damaged by an osteopath 7 years ago!!!!

Much love, hope things open up for you now.

CAMILLA said...

Good morning darling Jane,
Just popped in to see how you are, buying and selling property is a nightmare, Peter wants to move again to a more modern property but I have said NO, our cottage needs quite a lot of renovation I know, but we are just on the edge of the village of Reepham, and it does have wonderful views. Thinking of you Jane while your mind is in turmoil at present, I just hope the house move materialises soon for you.
Much Love,
Camilla.xxx

Faith said...

Funny I should pick your blog as pot luck and find you feel the same as me (for different reasons).Life goes on Jane -its a rollercoaster. Please put up more Walker when you get a chance. Thinking of you.

JacquiMcR said...

Jane, you are not alone here. It seems that we have all had the glums and been out of sorts for no particular reason. I sometimes just read other peoples blogs and tend to write one long one of my own when things are difficult.

I hope this feeling will pass soon - who else will we all turn to for inspiration.

Am thinking of you - Jacqui x