Wednesday, 7 November 2007

Size Zero Mother drives me to chocolate


I am being driven to chocolate, I really am. I am sitting here binge-eating Mars bars straight from the freezer. Actually I have now run out of Mars bars and have moved onto Milky Way which isn’t nearly as satisfying. When I run out of those I shall probably have no choice but to finish off the Apple Strudel cake. I have been so good too, eschewing all sugar and chocolate and what-have-you in an attempt to banish the dreaded candida (yes I did Grouse’s spit in the morning test and my glass was positively LADEN with strings – sorry, you didn’t really need to know that, did you?). Anyhow, I have been good, HAD been good until Size Zero Mother started on me.

It began yesterday. Not the best of times as I had a truly vicious hangover thanks to Paddy at Oaks who fed Jane and I several more large glasses of Armagnac than two women who had already consumed several bottles of wine have any right to drink.


She phoned up and launched straight in as if we had just been talking and one of us had popped out the room for a wee or something and then come back.
‘So, when you go to Marks and Spencer, you can pick me up a coat. I desperately need a coat now it’s getting so cold.’
I was slightly nonplussed. Not only because it’s the mildest November I’ve ever experienced but because….well…..
‘But, Mum, you don’t go out. Why do you need a coat?’
A sharp intake of breath down the phone. ‘I don’t go out because I don’t have a coat.’ Said very sharply with more than a tinge of asperity.
‘Right. OK. What kind of coat?’
‘Oh, you know. A coat.’
‘How about if I come over and we look through the Next catalogue and you can show me the kind of thing you want.’
‘I don’t want it from Next. Their clothes don’t fit me.’
‘No, I know. But if we find one you quite like, I can get something similar from Marks.’
Much harrumphing and irritation palpable down the line.
‘I just want a coat.’
‘Yes, but what kind?’
Long, short, mid-length? Wool, tweed, polyester, cotton? Zipped, buttoned, toggled? Hooded, collared, non-collared? Colour? Style? Parka, military, swing, cloak?
‘Just a coat. For God’s sake, it’s not that difficult. You know what I mean.’
Last time I checked, I wasn’t a mind-reader. I am guessing a sort of padded casual jacket type thing. But really, who knows? Whatever I get it’s bound to be wrong.

Just like the slippers. ‘They’ll have to go back, you know.’ They were exactly the same as the ones she’s always had – same size, same style, same colour. Aaaghhh. Big big deep breath. Buddhist daughtering came to mind. Centre, Jane. Ground yourself. Follow the breath.
‘Oh, and don’t cook me anything else. I’ve got the freezer jammed with meals. You don’t need to do any for ages.’

Well, one good bit of news at least. Except that today, while I was out, Adrian took a call from SZM in which she told him that she was ‘nearly out’ of food and that all she had was celeriac soup which she couldn’t possibly eat because ‘as Jane well knows, I can’t eat celery.’
He told her it wasn’t celery but celeriac.
‘Which is the same thing,’ she said.
‘Er, no, not really. Related but not the same,’ he said. Then continued, ‘Out of interest, why can’t you eat celery?’
‘I’ve NEVER eaten celery,’ she replied vehemently. ‘When I had rheumatic fever as a child I was told never to eat celery and I never have.’
Except she has. She always has. I remember clearly the celery soup that was her favourite (and my most loathed). And her saying you should always add celery and cut down on salt. Really, it’s getting mad.

So tonight, when I was hoping to sit down and try to catch up a bit with Nanowrimo, I will be frantically cooking batches of very odd meals. Just great.

Funnily enough my Nanowrimo ‘novel’ has suddenly spawned a harridan of a mother, a true fairy tale evil witch of a woman and a poor pathetic middle-aged daughter who spends her entire time bitterly mulling over her blighted life. What is really interesting is that it’s the daughter, not the mother, who is driving me really potty. Why on earth is she such a doormat? Why doesn’t she stand up to her vile mother? What in the name of heaven is the matter with her that she can’t just say ‘no’, that she is consumed with guilt and self-loathing?
Ah, how art mirrors life….

PS - the pic is of the Loo of Doom. So horrible that I refuse to go anywhere near it and really only remember what it looks like by looking at this picture. I keep hoping I will go down there one day and it will have vanished.
PPS - apparently I am arranging tickets and a bus trip to see some band called The Dropkick Murphies with half the reprobates from the pub.....this I don't remember. One of the dangers of too many armagnacs.
PPPS - my dear friend Jane is not happy with me. While at Oaks I was telling Paddy (owner) how she really needed a good man with a labrador (and actually the man wasn't totally essential) in what I thought was very sotto voce. Jane (who was standing at the bar) was apparently wincing as my voice was carrying rather too clearly and every single bloke there was, she said, looking her up and down 'to see the sad cow who can't get a bloke.'
I need to redeem myself so, if anyone happens to know any nice labradors (with relatively decent men attached), do get in touch.

22 comments:

UN PEU LOUFOQUE said...

Oh dear you really are not having a very good time are you..poor thing!

toady said...

Oh poor Jane. I've had much the same sort of conversation with my Mum this morning regarding the heating. She' says she's cold so I put the heating on then she let's the dog out and leaves the back door wide open and I go upstairs and all the windows are flung right open. Anyone got a brick wall?

Elizabethd said...

Oh Jane, you make me shriek!! My mother was a darling, but there were the odd moments when she did the same sort of thing to me....'Is that a casserole? Does it have turnip in dear? You know....'etc etc!!!

bodran... said...

Bless you! Hungover
disgruntled mate! MUM! and a Berludy awful loo! Rip that carpet out NOWWWWW oh and i bet a none to pleased A Paying for and driving the reprobates...........Wish i was coming xxx

Hannah Velten said...

How is your 'novel' going to end? Is the doormate daughter doing to put her mother's body parts into the liquidiser at the end?! My goodness, sorry EJ, don't know where that came from....mootia x

lampworkbeader said...

My mother was a sweetie. No trouble at all, but it was a bit disconcerting when she asked my sister, very sweetly, "Have I known you long?".
Actually it made my day. My sister had always prided herself on being the favourite. Heh Heh!
Hangover ok now? Goood!

elizabethm said...

Oh jane, dont know whether to laugh or cry at this. how about bringing her two, letting her choose and taking one back if its Marks? Ideally involving someone besides you in the conversation so she has to behave!
hope hangover is well and truly gone and friend is reconciled.

Milla said...

very funny, Jane. Let the daughter do something, at least on the murder / maiming level. You know you've got to. And is that the loo we used, the one which flushes for about three weeks?? Oh, and if Jane gets truly desperate she can have Lolly. Not a man, perhaps, and not a labrador, but a dog who would like to learn to travel.

Mopsa said...

What is it with loos and swirly carpets - didn't the committers of that particular crime know anything about hygiene? What the eye can't see, the toe treads on. Urgh. Good luck with its extermination.

Pondside said...

Frozen chocolate bars???? Jane, what are you thinking?
re the toilet - rip that carpet out right away!!! Bare boards will be better and you'll be able to go in there without getting sea sick.
re your SZM - big sympathy - you will go to Good Daughter Heaven some day, but this is your purgatory for the time being!
Hang in there!

Faith said...

Jane you are hilariously funny, whether you mean to be or not.

Surely you could have picked up a coat when you got the celery?!

Now come on, tell us, what kind of coat did you get.... and did she like it? No, didnt think so!

Pixie said...

I have been asked by Queen Vixen to let you know that she won't be blogging for a while and if you want to contact her please email.

And i'll be back later to read your post when I've done her blog roll.
pixx

Pixie said...

do you keep chocolate in the freezer to keep you from eating them?

love the whole post, very funny.

if you fix Jane up could you do the same for me next please...labrador optional
pxx

Fennie said...

Wonderful post, Jane. So much to recognise in the Angst, though these days I seem to deal in other people's mothers rather than my own who parted company with the world at the same age as my grandfather and left me biting my fingernails, expecting a heart attack for a whole year in my mid-fifties. As for coats (unspecified)I should try the charity shop. You could even buy two or three and bring them out slowly at the rate of one a week. Thanks for making me smile.

Suffolkmum said...

I truly know it must be hellish Jane but you do make me laugh. You are so talented at doing the wry comic thing. I am starting to get glimpses of this behaviour in my Mother and it's not good. I think ElizabethM had the right idea - buy her two and take one back.

annakarenin said...

Never mock an extra loo it may come in handy. She says after weeks of having to use a bucket as a flush.

Initially I thought it was something to do with all the chocolate you have been eating ????

JanieV said...

I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU HAVE JUST TOLD THE WHOLE WORLD ABOUT EMBARRASSING ME IN WOODS!! I can never go in there without a balaclava again. Mind you, I probably wouldn't be recognised if sober! Love to all the boys and hope tomorrow's fantastic!

Exmoorjane said...

Janie Jane! Can't believe you have created a Blogger account just to shout at me in print!!!!!

Paddy sends love.....

snailbeachshepherdess said...

Hilarious....just buy her a burkah

LittleBrownDog said...

Very much looking forward to reading your Nanowrimo novel about the mother-daughter angst. Yes, Elizabeth's suggestion is excellent - or possibly five different styles in a variety of colours to cover your options. You may have to rent a van for the week, though, to allow her enough time to try them all on. Actually, SBS's suggestion is probably the best one.

@themill said...

Late to this, but hope things are improving with SZM.
And hope James had a fantastic birthday.
Won't even mention the loo......

CAMILLA said...

Darling Jane,
It probably does not ease the situation by me saying that I just love your wit. I think because you possess this it helps you to rise above it.

Wonder if Mother could look with you on website of MS, then she could say - "That's the one I want"! I do sympathise Jane.

Janie - ah, thoughts of Farmer Wants a Wife, spring to mind.!!

Love Camilla.xxx