Monday, 24 January 2011

I'm growling...

How you doing?’ called Sandy as I prowled into the gym. She was going hell for leather on the treadmill: I had a face like thunder.

‘I’m growling,’ I snarled.
‘Oooh, like a terrier?’
‘Like a rabid terrier,’ I replied, jumping on a rowing machine and setting off down the river at the speed of a power boat.
‘Not warming up then?’
‘I’m already at boiling point.’
She raised an eyebrow. ‘Who’s got your goat this morning?’
‘Me. Just me. I’m angry with me.’

And I am. I am so so furious with myself I could beat myself up. Except – ho hum - I already do that perfectly well on an ongoing basis.

Is it a woman thing? Is it a mother thing? Or is it just a me thing? I’ve gone through sad and depressed and now I am just steaming furious. I am sick of being a people pleaser, of playing Mrs Nice, of being the supporting cast, of being all things to all people, of always putting myself last. I’m sick to the back teeth of being treated like dog shit; of being kicked in the face by the proverbial boot, over and over again – and just effing well taking it. Not just taking it even but lying down in the mud and pointing to my head and heart and guts and saying ‘kick there’; go on, kick a bit harder. I’m sick of it all.

Okay, that’s it. I could go on but I won’t. I shall retreat to my Growlery (shamelessly appropriated from Zoe) and shall leave you with some music... Normal service will soon be resumed but today, just for today – I’d stay well away.





16 comments:

Sandie said...

Yeay, you go girl! Growl on!

Great song choices. Am with you all the way.

xx

Exmoorjane said...

Sandie: You're the only one who's dared comment! Come growl with me.... xxxx

Posie said...

yikes, who's rattled your cage?...go bite them Jane!!!

Cait O'Connor said...

Let it out Jane, that's best.
Then rise above it.
Then start pleasing yourself.

zooarchaeologist said...

Grrr! i need a punch bag in my office. Patience has run out, I so know where you are coming from......

Emma said...

A iPod placed in ones sports bra brings calm and happiness , bit growly but your looking very toned and healthy . See you next week !

Expat mum said...

Hope it wears itself out soon. It's quite exhausting to be growly for a whole day!

Irritatingly Optimistic said...

Love the Linkin Park clip!

You're probably lying on the sofa like a limp rag by now having chewed the heads off a million people today no doubt!

You'll feel great the morra

Tattie Weasle said...

Not yet at growling point only kicking holes in wall point...getting there though!
PS that dog has really good teeth you know!

Dragonfly Dreams said...

Been where you are now and I know it can be absolutely the worst to try to please people all of the time. Trying to always do the right thing and to always be the "responsible" one... It certainly can lead to a pit of despair, can't it? But then, when the sky is the darkest someone will bring the proverbial sun out for you and things will be wonderful again. That's just how we are. Waiting and breathless for the sunshine!

GoldenGirl said...

I hope you felt better after your stint on the rower
xx

jaxbee said...

Yes it is. The woman thing, I mean, and the mother thing, even the 'me' thing (well, it's me anyway) - doesn't mean we have to like it all the time though does it? Growl away hun, you deserve it and have another for me as well today if you like - would like to add a dodgy pc (brand new, suspect it's me who hasn't set it up right but we'll draw a blind eye to that for the purpose of this exercise) and two rejections completely out of the blue (ie given up hope of hearing.) I've been out singing though so all's right with the world again. Next time, if the gym doesn't work, come home for your shower and sing at the top of your voice (especially to Joan Armatrading!), bet you'll feel better!
Hope tomorrow brings bird song...

Miss Sadie said...

I am woman, hear me roar [or growl]
~ Helen Reddy, 1970

I thought perhaps you were going to say you had a growling match with SP, and lost! (That would be adding insult to injury!)

Better day tomorrow I hope, m'lady!

Mrs. Tuna said...

Have a giant glass of wine, tomorrows a new day.

Exmoorjane said...

Posie: Ah, let's not go there. :)

Cait: you're always so wise. I gave myself a bit of Bailey therapy last night - she always recommends one 'Rises above'...

Zoo; How's your virtual hangover today? Panadol?

Emma: dang it, girl - you look AMAZING. Gonna get that iPod. :)

EM: tell me about it...I'm shattered.

IO: isn't it amazing. Shit, I love that band. Feel more like a limp dishrag today, TBH.... :)

Tatt: hmm, mind those walls - they're ancient, y'know. Huggage to you, my lovely. I wish I had those teeth!

DD: no sunshine today - but I live in hope. Thank you.

GG: a stint on the rower always helps. :)

Jax: thanks, hon. My singing would terrify the neighbours...but a good primal scream does the trick. ;)

Miss S: the SP can't growl - he's pathetic. He does a sort of half-howl that's very funny. Asbo is my Master of Growling.

Mrs T: alas, I don't drink anymore...though it is tempting! Today is a grey day but my cortisol levels are down a little!

Dan Holloway said...

Growl away as long as you need, and don't feel guilty even when the noise abatement people come round.

It's most definitely not a woman thing, unless I just grew and ungrew some body bits :) I get about one day every month or so where I just want to lash out at everything and everyone and shout "haven't you noticed I'm here, world?"

It's not the growl days that are the problem. It's the non-growly ones. Or rather, half of them. Half the time you're doing stuff and it's great because it's rewarding even if no one notices (OK, not no one - I am very lucky to have a lovely wife), and that's great. But half the time when you're not growling it's because you think "hey, of course this is how it is because this is my place and who am I to think I deserve more? Of course I don't." OK, way more than half the time. And that's not good. It's way better to growl than accept that's your lot