Saturday, 11 February 2012

The locked door...

You know how you can try, try, try so so so hard? But that everything you touch falls to dust?  And then you just brush yourself down and shake off the negativity and think, hey, okay, so let’s try something else?  And then - oh joy!  - it seems like maybe things will swing your way, maybe just once…but then…they don’t.  Well, that really.  On all kind of levels.  But then it’s a tough time for a lot of people right now.  Testing times maybe. Whole load of shit going down for so many people I know. So who am I to moan?  I just take it on the chin. Or, at least, I try. 

This last year (hmm, longer now, isn’t it?) I’ve been trusting. Just figuring that there may be a reason for all this…turmoil… For all this destruction. For all this failure. For the brick walls I crash into, time and time again. For all the faces turned away. For all the doors slammed in my face. When I met Nicki in Taunton I said to her, ‘It’s not that I don’t try. I don’t think you can just sit back and expect the universe to bring you everything on a plate. You have to make an effort, to buy the lottery ticket, if you like.  And so I have to figure the universe has a plan for me.’

Well, that was what I said, but did I/do I really believe it?  Cos there does come a point when you think the universe (or whatever else you like to call it – God, your higher consciousness, Fate, pure bad luck?) is just being bloody-minded. We like to think it’s got a higher plan for us but maybe we really are just lab rats or maybe it’s just all just totally random. And if there is a plan maybe it's a scary plan? 

Anyhow, when I can’t go out into the world, I shrug my shoulders and go within; I wander through other planes, into other dimensions. As you do. 

Except… Lately I haven’t been able to do even that.  It’s like the doors to the other realms have been shut firmly, decisively, in my face.  Yup, I’ll confess it – right now I can’t meditate to stillness; can’t journey on the drum, on the heartbeat; can’t chant and lose my mind in Om; can’t barely even breathe (consciously) sometimes.  Crap huh?  The river turned its back on me. The oak tree bent aside. The moon mocked. The sun hid behind shadows. iPod oracle just played the same songs, over and over – laughing at me. Even the pseudo Beagle went silent on me. 

Lost.  So lost. 

And then I was sent. Three things. 

4 comments:

Sessha Batto said...

and this too, shall cycle - as it does ;) You breathe because you must and when you stop seeking it, mindfulness returns.

Milla said...

what things what things!!! TELL ME! And not one, but three. Need To Know. NOW!

Ashen said...

Tell, tell, tell - fairy aunt leaves you her mansion? Someone realises you are the next best-selling author? Your husband surprises you speechless?

elizabethm said...

I identify with the closed doors and the frustration. I just need the three things.