Saturday, 4 February 2012

My dirty little secret...

It’s about time I came clean. Fessed up to my secret vice; my dirty shameful secret.  Please don’t think the less of me for this… We all have flaws, some more fatal than others. J

Rather like an Exmoor track...
Okay.  Deep breath.  I’m a secret petrol head.  Yup, I love cars. Not any old car, I hasten to add -  ideally they need to be fast cars or deeply trashy trucks. Nothing much inbetween.  Yes, yes, yes, I know…I’m into environmental stuff.  In fact I’m a pretty deep shade of green, not quite at the ‘the world would be better without humans’ stage – but not that far off… and yes, yes, yes, cars are hideous polluters. Hideous.  
But, what can I say?  I get a kick out of driving cool cars….fast. 

Now, let’s have a reality check here.  A sad reality check.  Right now, I drive the most hideous car in the world – well, not far off. Arsebiscuit Toyota RAV4.  Pale gold.  Dubbed ‘The Bauble’ and about as fecking useless as its Christmas tree decoration namesake.  The thing is neither fish nor fowl – neither comfortable saloon nor hardcore off-roader. It handles like a drunken supertanker and drinks like an elephant. Seriously seriously crap car.

How cool is that?  
Second confession.  I watch Top Gear. Oh yeah (and the new series starts tonight – oh sweet serendipity). James and I ooh and aah over the supercars and apparently I look very funny when the reasonably priced car bit comes on as I lean into the bends, shift gear and grind my heel into the mat shouting, ‘Put your fecking foot down!’. 

Third confession. Jeremy Clarkson makes me laugh.  Yes, he’s an arrogant tosspot but he’s a funny tosspot.  And I like that Top Gear is kinda real. They take chances; they do their own stuff and, oh my, their travel journeys are beyond awesome and I am beyond envious. Oh, you know how I love road trips and sometimes I just wanna get behind the wheel of a car and just drive, drive, all day, all night…

Anway.  I’ve had a motley crew of cars over the years. My favourites:
My very first car, an ancient (1967) VW Beetle – red. Impossible in heavy rain, freezing cold in winter, but gutsy brilliant little car. Laughed at ice. Played with truckers on my long journeys up and down the M1 and M6. Gutted when the suspension cracked. Got it welded. Ran for years. 
Toyota Celica – the old shape. Red. Cool as shit. Wouldn’t let Adrian drive it.
Mitsubishi Shogun - first four-wheel drive. Solid as a tank.  Great off-roader. 
Suzuki Vitara – spunky little four-wheeler…cheap as chips but a great little car. Hugely underrated.

Don’t talk technical to me. I’m no mechanic. I can’t think of anything worse than lying on my back under an engine. I just like driving them…the good ‘uns.  So, often, when we’re driving, James and I play fantasy car fleets. Adrian rolls his eyes – he really doesn’t give a toss. 
And I’ve narrowed my current list down to these…

Porsche 911.  Pure nostalgia this. My favourite car when I was 18. Erik the Viking recklessly promised he’d buy me one for my 21st birthday. Sadly, when that came around, he’d managed one of his spectacular downturns. Never mind. Just a great-looking, fun to drive, car. Ultimate cool.

Noble M600. Fast as feck. Bit of a looker. To be honest, it's a bit flashy for me and crap visibility but James loves it, so it made the list.  Made in the UK.  So, buy local huh? Car miles, y'know? Hey, positively virtuous. J

Toyota Hilux. The indestructible one. I love trucks – the older and more battered the better.  This would be my workhorse of choice. It wouldn't stay that colour long on Exmoor! 

Audi A7. The family car. For cruising up the motorway in comfort. Audi make great cars (have had several), responsive, good acceleration, nice handling. Forget Mercedes and BMW – Audi are WAY better. End of.

Ford Mustang GT5. Okay, so the handling is crap but if you’re gonna have a muscle car, you gotta have a Mustang, right?  Pick me up, put me down on a US highway and let's go eh?  

Ford Focus. Don’t laugh. If you want a nifty little runaround, this has to be it.  I’d have one of these for city driving – nippy in traffic and a perky little parker. Okay, so that's the rally version... And??  Your point? 

I could go on but I can feel your eyes glazing over.  So let’s have a bit of road music, huh? 
  






40 comments:

Jobo Pooks said...

You're not alone. Noel Gallagher is sending his kids to private school. Hypocrisy and stupidity is alive and well.

Here's one you might be interested in......

http://amzn.to/xKuwZ6

Exmoorjane said...

Bloody hell, Jobo - greyhound out of a trap or what? Book looks interesting - I'll take a gander. ta.

Jobo Pooks said...

It's not out yet, but is on my list. Ok, the toss pot is a fucking Tory Noodle, but despite joining in with the recycling bit etc, I'm interested in the facts and figures because I've always been a bit suspicious of the green thing; seeing it as a money making scam.

Exmoorjane said...

When business gets its teeth into environmentalism, then sure, whole load of moneymaking scams there. Delingpole talks sense sometimes. Also the Deep Green movement comes mighty close to fascism...or it did last time I took a close look. But still, can't throw out the baby with the bathwater...

Exmoorjane said...

btw, you calling me a stupid hypocrite, Jobo? :)

Jobo Pooks said...

Right, I'm off out for my walk....now, where the hell did I put my Jack boots? Oh yes, they're in the VW.....

Exmoorjane said...

What kinda VW you got?

Jobo Pooks said...

"btw, you calling me a stupid hypocrite, Jobo? :)"

I thought you knew me. What do you think?

I mean, do you feel like one?

Jobo Pooks said...

I haven't, neither have I got Jack boots. It just seemed to fit in...

I am going for a walk though...lol xx

Exmoorjane said...

Me? Nah. No more than other people. :) Have a good walk. Keep warm. It's nippy out there. xx

Milla said...

nope, don't get this. Hate F1. Don't have car worship. Particularly dislike tricksy cute cars (2CV, Fiat 600, Beetle - sorry!) I want it comfy and clean and quiet (which rules out my Toyota - crap Toyotas, eh? -a theme is developing...) So would be tempted only by the dull old sensible sounding one, the Ford Focus. Though really I want the Picasso C3 or C4 (? my commitment to my favourite car is freaky) the one which looks a bit like a van come hearse. That one I like. But the rest of it? Nope, don't get. Same with shoes. Put on foot, walk, that's it.

Exmoorjane said...

Milla - I couldn't have a car named after an artist... :) Toyotas can be fab - had a brilliant ancient one in the US - rusted to hell (they rust really easily, or did anyhow) so I could see the road under my feet but it just went on and on and on.
Maybe there's a correlation between cars and shoes cos I have a bit of a foot fetish thing too. LOVE kickass boots.
Of course, all of it is pie in the sky as no dosh for either. :)

Joanne said...

Er... me too. I love a bit of Top Gear and hate myself for laughing at Clarkson.

Also with the 911 - at my school their idea of a good school outing was the great yorkshire show (mostly about exhibiting cows etc) but one year, for some unfathomable reason Porsche had a stand. With a car on it. I was smitten. Took the brochure home. Drooled. I was only 12 but heavens that impression has stuck with me. I saw one today in Sainsbury's car park and had to stand and watch it drive away.

Agree with the Ford Focus too. Rented one on a recent trip up north and boy was it pleasant to drive, especially on what seemed to me to be completely clear roads. As my friend would say 'it's got a lot of poke'.

I drive a 12 year old Polo usually. It Will Not Die and turns like a tank. Insurance is cheap though.

Fennie said...

Top Gear: fun in small doses. I laugh despite myself. Which is good. Hate all the cars you list. (And why anyone ever buys Porsches I just cannot make out - they don't even look attractive and they are seriously impractical. Best car I ever had was a big comfy Merc dating from 1966 - ran like a Swiss clock - absolutely beautifully and cost only £800 in about 1980. And Minis - I loved Minis. The classic London car.

Rob-bear said...

Top Gear? Never heard of it. So much for living in the colonies.

I notice you omitted Jaguar, Volvo, Saab, Bentley and Rolls-Royce from your lineup. Sadly. But, what does a Bear know about cars? Other than not to get in front of them when they're moving.

Dragonfly Dreams said...

As long as we are dreaming (I share your interests) shall we add a Bugatti Veyron, and perhaps at least one Ferrari, one Lambrigini and an Excalibur? Oh my, I think I'm swooning now....

HonestMum said...

You are one cool lady. I love fast cars too but Top Gear I can't watch!

Everything czyli wszystko said...

I love beautiful cars and fast women.

Everything czyli wszystko said...

Whoops... I beg you fu king pardon... Off course I'm mean... beautiful cars and FASTING women. :o)
(word verification: whica (!) :oD)

Everything czyli wszystko said...

Which reminds me (and how do I spell that? :o)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p0rAP87B7UA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KgZSnAkQc4c

Exmoorjane said...

@Jo - yes! You get it. The growl of that engine. Y'know, I'd still love a Porsche, I really would.

@Fennie - we'll have to agree to disagree. :) Mercs? Nah! Can't stand 'em. Drove one once that used to cut out at 60mph. Mmm, tasty. Minis? I think it's a bit like Dickens v Hardy. Beetles v Minis.

Exmoorjane said...

@Bear - ah no, we're poles apart! Volvos are boats. Safe as houses but soooo unsexy. Can't stand Bentleys and Rollers. Houses on wheels.
Jags don't float my boat either though Adrian likes them - but I think that's cos of Morse. :)

@DD - now we're talking! The Veyron nearly made the list. Ferraris and Lambs, not so much.

@Honest - If you like fast cars, what's not to love? :)

Exmoorjane said...

@Everything off course you do, Love! :) The fa sting the better...

Wicca? Witch Wiccan?

And tanks for the good - VERY good - additions to the road trip sound track.. :)

Everything czyli wszystko said...

Your well cum. Witch re-minds me... :o)

gaginge

Zoë said...

With you all the way on Cars, Top Gear, Clarkson and fast cars. Rather like James May too, but never quite got the Hamster. I love Clarksons column in the Sunday Times, can always generate a giggle on a dreary Monday afternoon ( I save it 'til last)

Mercs *spit* First car was a MGB roaster, 1800 with overdrive, given to me by my then partner for my 21st. Later followed by a Datsun 280Z. Then I lived in London and didn't have a car at all - no point, they either get nicked or scratched by envious twats with keys.

Moved here and we had an assortment of big engined Fords, Chryslers,(Grand Voyager) and I will admit to owning a PT Cruiser for 4 years.

I am currently engaged in a meaningful relationship with a Volvo estate! We have been together since she was born in 2005, she is swift - the kind of swift the police cars are - I love sneaking up on Beemers (another car brand I dislike (Porches fit in here too) all too germanic) and showing them a clean set of heels on the Motorway.

My dream car? an E Type Jag, roadster, 1972, V12 4.2 in red or racing green. Sex on wheels.

Everything czyli wszystko said...

Discovery Channel on Soovowkey TV:

A Cheetah walks through the jungle. Suddenly, he hears calling for help, follows it to find an Elephant at the bottom of a huge hole in the ground.
'Please help me get out!', begs the Elephant.
The Cheetah reaches out his paw, the Elephant grasps it, and they struggle for a while...
'No, I can't', the Cheetah gives up finally. 'You're too heavy. Let me get my friend, the Jaguar. The two of us should be strong enough to save you.'
Half hour later, the Cheetah comes back with his friend and they soon manage to pull the Elephant out together.
About a week later, the Cheetah falls into the same rift! The Elephant, who is nearby, hastens to the rescue. He gets there, turns round and slowly walks backwards to stand astride over the narrower end of the hole in the ground.
'C'mon! Grasp my penis!', shouts the Elephant. The Cheetah hesitates for a moment, but then follows the rescuer's instruction and gets saved...

Moral: If you have a big penis, you don't need a Jaguar.

sulag

Exmoorjane said...

@Zoe - ah yes, knew you shared my predilection. :) A fast Volvo? Maybe they're changed. We had one for a while, in the 70s and my mother always used to have to pause before naming it as she tended to slip up and call it the Vulva.. :) Erik loved Jags - had the classic for a while - nice looker but the leather seats made me feel queasy.

@Everything - :) butt umm...are you saying that Fennie, Zoe and Erik have/had small penes? :D

Everything czyli wszystko said...

Nah. Only Erik. :o)

Exmoorjane said...

How did you... ???? :O

Everything czyli wszystko said...

Deduction. :o)

Exmoorjane said...

btw, what do you drive? :)

Everything czyli wszystko said...

I usually drive E.M.

Exmoorjane said...

What? Forster than I do?

Everything czyli wszystko said...

Er... Est... I doubt it. :o)

Zoë said...

one of these http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Fad5_GMTMo

:-))

Zoë said...

@Everything czyli wszystko - I dont have a penis at all - praps that explains my predilection for Jaguars.

Allow me my pecadilloes - I have not many! :oP

Everything czyli wszystko said...

Praps those does, Zoë. Butt u cunt just... Anyway... I usually drive E.M., u no... :o)

Exmoorjane said...

Oi! Zoe don't like word deformation.
Hmmm... Emphasised content? Effective microorganisms? Decision making for disaster preparedness? Email? Atari? Fife, Ventnor, Katowice?
Nah...I give up. :)

Everything czyli wszystko said...

E.M. = everyone mad. :o(

Exmoorjane said...

*miles*