If you're going to knit, make it a honey badger or a beard

Oh God. I did child modelling? 

When I was a child (feel free to insert the Hovis ad music), knitting was something you did out of necessity.  My mother couldn’t afford to buy us new sweaters so my nan used to knit them. Looking back, they were probably quite cool in a sort of Enid Blyton four-ply way. Well, the first one was.  When I grew out of it, Nan unpicked it and re-knitted it - pretty much the same, just bigger.  And again. And again. And so on ad infinitum. Only problem, the original wool swiftly ran out so the jumpers ended up being striped.  Think of a depressing Neapolitan ice-cream – with grey instead of vanilla.

‘Couldn’t I have a blue one?’ I said wistfully. 

‘I could run to a blue stripe maybe,’ she said, as we threw another chair on the fire. 

But really it’s all different now.  Even terrier lawyers are wielding knitting needles.

‘I’m going to learn to knit,’ said Liz.

‘What do you mean you’re going to learn to knit?’

‘There’s a waiting list for all the best classes.’

Ye Gods. Only in London would you have to wait for a superior knitting class. Only in London would you even need a knitting class.  Can't we do anything for ourselves nowadays? What happened to winging it?

She had the grace to look rueful.

‘What are you going to knit?’

‘A scarf.’

Knitted honey badger...

Oh Lizzie, Lizzie.  Nooo.  Even I know that scarves and jumpers and practical thingies are all terribly passe now.  Why knit something sensible when you can knit something weird or downright disturbing? We've gone right past cute knitted toys, and even interesting dogs and the royal family now seem a bit tame.

I don't know about you but, wherever I go on the Internet, I seem to stumble over weird knitted things.  This is probably nothing new and the rest of you have probably been knocking up bondage kits and alien dissections for aeons.  But hey…this is my hijab right?  

Anyhow, these are my favourites to date… please feel free to add your own.  Actually you can Google 'knitted' + virtually anything and you'll find some nutjob has knitted it. Seriously. I tried - randomly - 'knitted Michael Jackson', 'knitted penis', 'knitted honey badger', 'knitted zombie apocalypse', 'knitted sex toys', 'knitted dead cat', 'knitted credit card', 'knitted Spongebob' and so on, and came up trumps every time.  

Oh, and btw, I have only one thing to say to all you people indulging in this, frankly odd, pastime. You are sad sad people and you have way too much time on your hands. :-)  Yes, yes...pot, kettle, black...I know. 

Knitted Kali. Love the detail on this...spot the protruding tongue and bleeding neck.

"Knitted Testament" from the most excellent website Ship of Fools.  A relatively simple project to inspire faith in beginners.

Knitted alien dissection. Personally I think this one is trying too hard to be weird for weird's sake. 

Knitted whip. Okay, so it looks a bit like a long tassel but...   Hmm, there's a thought... hang about.  (insert pause). No. :-(   My first fail.  No knitted Fifty Shades of Grey. HUGE marketing opp there, guys... 

Knitted Karl Lagerfeld. Right.

The knitted beard. Possibly my favourite. Excellent use of texture. Reminds me of my ex brother-in-law who had brown hair and a ginger beard. www.vat19.com

Ummm....

Errr....

And then...from somewhere right at the bottom of my subconscious, a horrible memory emerged. Surely not?  I tapped in the words 'knitted naked people' and yes, there it was...  You've probably already seen this but, if not...you may wish to shield your eyes right now.

So tomorrow's post will be on practical parenting, right?