Monday, 24 December 2012

If Christmas suddenly blindsides you...

Funny how one thing can set up a chain reaction of emotions, eh?  This afternoon I was looking through old photos, trying to find the worst of the worst for the post before.  And I kept stumbling over the past, tripping over memories, falling headlong into old emotions and thoughts.  Christmasses past.  People no longer here. 

And then I was talking to someone who is spending Christmas in hospital, with his mother who is dying.  And it got me thinking back to four Christmasses ago, when my own mum was dying in hospital.  And then James yelled at me that The Snowman and the Snowdog was coming on TV any minute.  And so I went through and I said to him, ‘Is this really a wise idea?  Let’s face it; I cried my eyes out when we watched the trailer.’  And he said, ‘It’ll be fine, Mum.’
But pretty much two seconds into it, I started crying and, let’s be very honest here, I haven’t stopped since.  Which is ridiculous, cos I always thought the original was well schmaltzy. 

But hey...I guess I was looking for an excuse cos crying is a release, isn’t it?  Like laughing.  And I’ve been grinning so damn hard lately that my jaw is seriously aching from the effort. 

So. There you go.  And really, it’s fine.  Of course it’s fine.  It’s just life.  Sometimes you stop pushing everything away and…wallow.  Just for a bit.

And I guess I’m saying that it’s very easy to watch everyone having a fantastic time, or what you perceive to be a fantastic time, and somehow feel a bit…rubbish…if you’re not all Deck the Halls and Fa-la-la-la-la.
But it’s okay.  It’s okay to feel a bit rubbish at Christmas.  Nobody can tell you how to feel.  Not nobody.  J

Just…if you’re moaning about family or obligations or whatever…just maybe…you know?  Or not.  J

Me?  I’m fine.  How could I not be?   I’m going to finish off the bottle of Cointreau and take myself off to Midnight Mass.  Alone?  Sure.  My family don’t go in for that kind of malarkey.  And that’s equally cool.

So. My love and blessings to all of you, readers dear…at this strange and special time.  Whatever your belief, or lack of belief…  

Just…all my love.  xxx

PS - if you're not fine...and, who knows, some person reading this might not be remotely fine... my online pal, Kellie (@BigFashionista) asked people to post up her list of helpline numbers. it is. Just in case. 

0300 123 3393

08457 90 90 90

Alcoholics Anonymous
0845 769 7555

Info line 08000 50 20 20 

London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard
0207 837 7324

0845 767 8000

Preventing young suicide 

For people in Northern Ireland
0808 808 8000

0800 1111


0808 2000 247

Eating Disorders Association 
0845 634 1414

0808 800 4444

NHS Direct 
0845 4647

No Panic
0808 808 0545

Cruse Bereavement Care


Ian D said...

Not my favourite time of year. Even those that profess to LOVE Christmas seem to spend their time planning a political visiting schedule that includes everything AND kissing the babies. God help you if there's anyone that you've left out or not visited, when you usually do! It must feel the same for old Rock Stars when they have to play their Número Uno Hit EVERY time. Aaaarrrgghhhhh! Please stop Christmas, I want to get off!!! (Same again next year?).

fairyhedgehog said...

Love and hugs to you!

Christmas is a difficult time for so many people and it's hard when you've got empty spaces at the table or in your life.

And it's hard when the media portrays everyone else in the whole world as having a jolly old time.

I'm lucky this year; I have most of my (very small) family with me. Last year they were all at the in-laws and it was not so much fun.

I hope you have the best Christmas you can possibly have.

klahanie said...

My dear friend,

A most poignant and thoughtful posting. Indeed, this can be a very painful time for those who are not part of the festivities. Instead, they are alone, sad and find Christmas to enhance their feelings of despair. All your links are vital resources and so is your posting. Which I'm duly forwarding via the various social networks. I have been online all day and will stay up until the early hours of Boxing Day to be there for others. Without self-promoting, my latest posting is all about what you so eloquently wrote about.

In peace and hope, your way, Gary

Carol said...

Yes, it's worth remembering that not everyone will be having a lovely Christmas, it's a time of year when many who are alone feel desperate.

Rob-bear said...

Glad you at least survived, m'love. Finished the Cointreau and of to church. Didn't make Christmas Eve worship this year — too much energy and emotion surrounding me. So the Black Dog and I hunkered down, waiting for it all to pass. Dog's still here.

I hope that 2013 is a bit more "level" for you, this past year has been a bit of a brutal up and down, mostly down (it seems) towards the end.

Blessings and Bear hugs!

Cait O'Connor said...

I do understand Jane.