Tuesday, 26 July 2011

I'm Patton

I am going demented.  There's a deep aura of negativity permeating the Bonkers House which is sucking out every last quark of joy.  I feel like I’m swimming through Bostik.  Trying to work; trying to keep everyone happy; trying not to scream.

Are we going on holiday?’ asked James. 
‘Yes,’ I said firmly, trying to convince myself as much as him.  In a moment of extreme rashness a few weeks back I had given him a solemn promise that we would have a holiday this summer, we really truly would.
‘Not a staying at home holiday, with walks and the odd picnic,’ he said, suspiciously.  My son, knowing all too well the importance of precision when it comes to promises. 
'A proper holiday,’ he insisted.
I asked what, for him, this entailed – precisely - and he thought long and hard.
‘A pool.  Swimming in the pool.’
My eyes must have brightened because he said quickly.  ‘No, not Tiverton pool. Abroad. Somewhere warm.’
‘So we could go anywhere, if it’s warm?’
‘Well, I’d like to see the odd bit of…I dunno…buildings or something.’
‘Culture?’
‘Yeah.  But not too much.’

So I had a look online and did a good impression of a plumber sucking his teeth.  How much???  My accountant is going to be unhappy enough as it is but no need to give the poor chap a hernia.  So I cut out all the usual suspects and looked at places that might be considered generally less desirable on account of extreme heat or unstable political situations. 
Adrian peered over my shoulder and looked like he was chewing asafetida.
‘Of course, you don’t have to come,’ I said. ‘You could stay and work.’    Expecting a swift rebuttal.
‘I suppose you could be right,’ he said slowly.  ‘I have got to finish this book.’
‘What?’  James was incandescent.  ‘Just for once, can’t we be a normal family and have a normal family holiday?  I want us to go to Turkey.  Or Greece. Or Portugal.  Not Syria or Afghanistan or Belgium or the Czech Republic. And all of us.’

I sighed. Adrian looked miserable.  I knew he was thinking about deadlines, about irate publishers…
‘Look…about this book,’ I said, offering a deal.  He looked suspicious, then hopeful, then grinned.
‘You’re like the American Fifth Army,’ he said. 
My, my, I'm worthy of a WWII reference?  He must be impressed. 
‘You’re Patton!’ he continued, a rare smile breaking out over his face.  Steady…

But, hey….Patton eh?  If that’s the case I get to give rousing speeches, right?  So, I say “bollocks” to negativity; to this “can’t do” attitude.  I stand up firm and stout and say to all of you who are feeling downtrodden and despairing:
“We are not going to dig foxholes!  We are not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the tyres of our tanks. 
We are going to advance and to keep on advancing regardless of whether we have to go over, under, or through the enemy. We are going to go through him like crap through a goose; like shit through a tin horn!  That is all. ” 

Okay?  So.  Right then.  Any ideas, men?  Where can I find a cheap as chips yet not too ghastly holiday, abroad, with water…for a weary general and her troops? 


13 comments:

Rosi Davis said...

Greek islands? Should be some good deals around...

Kelley said...

I just had to let you know that I work for Bostik... haha. Actually Bostik in the US, but how weird is that!?

Good luck on finding a good Holiday!

Mrs Jones said...

Apparently there are some good deals to be had in Greece at the moment, what with their economy going up the swannee - they'll be desperate to get the tourists in so will drop prices. Someone on Sky News - travel guy for the Telegraph, perhaps? Can't recall - was saying this last week so it might well be worth looking into.

Tattie Weasle said...

I heard Greece was good and so is Monte Negro...Good Luck General!

Midlife Singlemum said...

There are some hot spots on the Black Sea and other Eastern Europe destinations that are not expensive and have stunning scenery, hotels with pools, etc... Also ask travel agents for last minute cancellation deals - they are as happy to sell them on as you are to take them for a reduced price.

Sallys Chateau said...

phew, don't hold back ! hope you find a last min deal with everything you all desire.

Mrs Worthington said...

I have been recommended Croatia but have booked a cheap as chips jolly to Spain shared pool and plenty of sunshine in an area I know well and my two teens are happy with that. all under a grand including flights,car hire and villa ( not apartment mind you but villa )Check out holiday rentals.co.uk

Sheena said...

Well you know what I am going to say- don't you?
Costas!
Any of them - all of them are by places with buildings and stuff.

Exmoorjane said...

Thanks, all.... I confess I start looking at sites and my eyes glaze over... I know, I know - lazy...

patsy said...

Oh my dear Jane, why did you not say sooner? Bolt hole in medieval French bastide near Bergerac usually available to sooth the soul and replenish the spirit. Peace, quiet and lots of wine...works for us..
Good for teenage boys and awkward husbands too!
As recommended by @TM...
Would have been yours without hesitation save for current occupancy by pestilential sister- in - law.
Next summer please consider it. Or perhaps a girls' weekend. @TM et al?
Wherever you go, I do hope you return refreshed and full of your usual vim and vigour!
Patsy xx

Exmoorjane said...

Patsy!!! *sob* Shan't tell Adrian - that would be his total ideal... :) Rather taking to the idea of a girls' weekend though - you reckon @TM would leave *the baby* though???

Rob-bear said...

Not Greece. The taxi drivers are developping the habit of going on strike, and leaving foreigners stranded.
Dr. Patsy had a good idea. In France. "Good for teenage boys and awkward husbands." Exquisite description of the Bonkers household? Hmmmm.
Well, I do hope you don't disappoint your lads on this one.
Happy holidays!

Exmoorjane said...

Rob, I love France, really do...but DAMNED expensive...need a failing economy or out of the Euro-zone really... awful thing to say, but tis true. :(