I am in total helpless lust (and no, I have no shame)

I am such a fickle creature.  See, me and CP, it’s over.  Well, not over but we’ve decided we’re just going to be friends.  It just wasn’t ever going to be one of those epic soul-tearing romances – we were never going to be Tristan and Isolde, Samson and Delilah.  We were more Gavin and Stacey.  But it was okay, it was fine.  We were ticking along, as you do.  And then Oscar arrived on the scene.

Oh my. How could poor CP possibly compare – all white and wimpy as he was - with Oscar’s gleaming purple manhood?  I mean, for pity’s sake, look at the damn thing. It’s positively pornographic.  Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine has landed in my kitchen.  It’s the Arnie of appliances.  No, scrub that – it’s the All Blacks en masse all rolled into one solid rock-hard muscled bit of kit.

Okay, seriously now. I’m getting a tad worried about myself here.  Normal people don’t anthropomorphise kitchen appliances, do they?  I’m a shocking projector, I know I am, but projecting sexual relationships onto juicers is going a bit far even for me. 

Right. Let’s get a grip.  I mean… I’ve always wanted a juicer.  Oh shit, this is getting worse, isn’t it?  No really, I have.  See, juicing is simply a brilliant way of sucking (Jane!) all the goodness out of fruit and vegetables.  Actually the experts reckon you should eat your fruit but juice your vegetables.  Why?  Cos eating fruit is easy but eating a ton of fresh raw vegetables is challenging. Also once you heat or cook veg you often lose their nutrients and the all-important antioxidants they contain.  By the time you buy juice from a shop it has probably been heated several times and is pretty well dead as far as its health benefits go. 

Trouble is, every juicer I’ve tried hasn’t been up to the job.  The performance was poor; the end result somehow disappointing and the cleaning up afterwards?  A fecking nightmare. But this beauty is the real deal.  It’s Australian so – yeah yeah – we know it’s going to be a macho cocky bastard.  But truly Oscar has dashing style and performs manfully.  You just chuck everything in and it grinds it through and – ta-dah! – there you go. And, bottom line, is it easy to clean? Hand on heart – it’s a doddle.  Honestly. I am the laziest person in the world and I can’t bear faffing around – but truthfully, this is simples.

Look, it's not just me with the sex thing.  I reckon the people who make this thing know all too well...read this...

"Besides our beautiful new Euro design with retractable carry handle and jazzy 4 colours to choose from, the new modern, ultem tough Oscar Neo features a pulp adjusting knob!"

Pulp adjusting knob???  I mean, come on!  

Could I just add here that it’s not just me that’s getting over-excited about Oscar.  We’re all fighting over his favours.  James keeps asking me if I’d like another beetroot juice.  Mainly, let it be said, cos he loves the way it craps out little pellets of purple poop.  But I’ve caught Adrian giving Oscar a surreptitious stroke too.

‘This thing is bloody brilliant,’ he said, with the look of awe a man gets when contemplating a personal god.

‘Wow,’ I said weakly, lost for words.  Adrian doesn’t usually get terribly excited about anything (except, of course, beer, Arsenal and arcane minutiae of WWII aircraft). 

‘But it’s not just juice,’ he said, with the gleam of the newly converted zealot in his eye.  ‘It minces, it chops, it makes sauces, it makes peanut butter, it even makes pasta for pity’s sake..’

‘It poops,’ said James. ‘Awesome poops.’

I looked at Oscar and sighed, shaking my head.  ‘You and me, love, we ain’t gonna be exclusive, you know.’

He dribbled sorrowfully. 

I gave myself a little shake.  ‘Anyhow, this is crazy.  It’s not even as if I like the name Oscar.  It’s all a bit Tin Drum somehow.’

And he looked back and winked suggestively.  ‘It’s okay, love. You can call me Neo.’

I’m Matrixed…totally Matrixed.

Okay, so Oscar Neo doesn’t come cheap at £249 but I figure he’s worth every penny. And then a bit more... www.vitality4life.co.uk

THE SANE PART

Some stuff I wrote on juicing before I lost the plot…

1.       Drink juice on an empty stomach – this allows it to pass into your intestines more quickly.

2. Buy the best quality vegetables and fruit you can – organic if at all possible.  
3. Soak fruit and veg before juicing – if non-organic.
4. Drink juice immediately you make it – it’s highly perishable and swiftly loses its active ingredients.Don’t mix fruit and vegetable juices – they can ferment in the gut and cause bloating.
5. Start by trying the vegetables and fruits you like non-juiced.
6. Once you’ve got a taste for single juices, experiment by adding additional vegetables or herbs.
7. Don’t eat all your fruit and vegetables this way. Juices do not contain fibre and so should not replace whole fruits and vegetables totally in your diet.

THE GOOD MOOD JUICE GUIDE

You can use juice to tweak your mood as well as tone your body.  Here are a few suggestions to try:

• Anti-anxiety: banana/yoghurt/honey/nutmeg
• Aphrodisiac: broccoli/red pepper/tomatoes/ginger
• Calm and cool: carrot/celery/mangetout
• Concentration:  carrot/spinach/celery/watercress/basil
• Depression beater: carrot/beetroot/sprouts/ginger
• Energy: strawberry/blueberry/apricot/yoghurt/maple syrup
• Get up and go:  pineapple/mango/banana/coconut milk
• Stress-basher:  lettuce/celery/avocado/peppermint
• Super sleep:  sheep’s milk/banana/cumin

And some recipes from the makers of the mighty Oscar…

Dracula’s Punch

INGREDIENTS: 2 apples; 1 cup of raspberries; 2 cups black grapes

WHY? Apples contain potassium and can help the body build resistance to infection; they also stimulate digestion and can help with weight loss.  Berries can help alkalise the blood.

Cupid’s Capsicum Shot

INGREDIENTS: 1 dark red capsicum; 4 medium carrots; ¼ chilli husk; pinch of black pepper.

WHY? Red capsicum is rich in vitamin A, C, potassium and silicon.  It can help reduce the risk of cardiovascular disease by helping to stop clot formations.  Chilli is a stimulant and is said to increase passion. 

Digester’s Delight

INGREDIENTS: ½ pineapple (remove core and stalk); 2 peeled oranges; 1 celery stalk; fresh ginger

WHY? Pineapple soothes sore throats, aids digestion and acts as an anti-inflammatory. It also stimulates pancreatic hormone secretions. 

Not convinced?  Look at this poop (I mean pulp) action