Monday, 17 October 2011

Buying sex toys - for friends of course

WARNING: frank sex toy talk ahead…
Okay, so blame @trailerbride for this post. 
Adrian was checking out hotels for a feature for The Times in Bath and I went along for the ride because, as he pointed out (again) I really needed to stop wandering around the astral and start wandering around something real, like shops.  I pointed out that nothing is real and the astral is a lot cheaper and he pointed out that that was exactly why I should go to Bath and that I still had a few vouchers left. I said he had a point and so off we went.   
Anyhow, I was looking at Twitter on my iPhone (cos, stone the crows, it works in Bath!) and there was a tweet from @trailerbride saying simply, apropos of feck knows what, *Vibrators and chainsaws*.  And I looked up and there, right in front of me, was Ann Summers, the sex shop.  And I remembered, with a sudden flash of guilt, that I had promised (months back) that I would pop in sometime and get a vibrator for a friend of mine who refuses point blank (lot of points in this blog eh?) to walk inside one (the shop, not the vibrator).  I had pointed out that she could order online but hey…
So in I walked, wincing at the ticky-tacky lingerie, stifling the urge to scratch my tits at the thought of all that nylon lace. Last time I’d been in Ann Summers they had the sex stuff tucked away in a room behind a curtain but now it had its own little carousel in the middle.  Times change eh?

‘Can I help you?’ I nearly jumped out of my skin. Why do shop assistants have to pounce like that?  
‘Yeah..well…I was just looking at the vibrators,’ I said. Self-evidently, as I had one in my hand.
And off she went, telling me about G-spot stimulation and so on, waving something that looked like a languistine at me.  I couldn’t help wincing. ‘No, no, no,’ I said. ‘It’s not for me…it’s for a friend.’ And then promptly snorted as I realised that she must hear that line about fifty times a day.  And fought the urge to explain but realised that would make it worse.
‘I mean…it’s not terribly aesthetic, is it?’
She gave me a puzzled frown. Oh god, what is the matter with me?  It’s a vibrator, for pity’s sake and I’m worrying about how it looks?  But, see, design matters to me. 
‘Well, there’s this one,’ she said, with the furrow still between her brows.  Take it off, love, you’ll need Botox if you’re not careful.
‘It’s pink,’ I said.
‘Well, yes. Most of them are. I suppose they think women like pink.’
Let’s just be clear here, we’re not talking skin tone, we’re talking bubble-gum, candyfloss, Barbie. Jeez, we spend an entire childhood swathed in pink and the torture continues when we’re grown-up, in the bedroom even? 
‘She hates pink.’  Oh god, there we go again, the pitying look.
‘Er…does she like leopard print?’ 
‘Feck no! She’s not Bet Lynch. Oh look, that one has little diamantes round the bottom! But no…it looks like Mr Blobby.’ 
The assistant looked a bit faint. ‘However…she does like blue.’ 
I reached over and picked up another.  Blue, blue, electric blue. 
‘Yup, that’ll do.’ 
She looked vaguely disappointed in me.  That I’d gone for something so…minimal.  Design over function. 
‘It isn’t multi-speed, you know,’ she tried gamely.  ‘And it isn’t flexible. For example, this one …’ She brandished a thing that was waving two fingers and came with a control panel that wouldn’t have looked out of place on the Enterprise. ‘… has four pulse patterns, three thrusting modes and three rotation speeds…and it’s waterproof.  Maybe she’d like that?’
Feck! Does it make the tea afterwards as well?
‘Nah,’ I shook my head. ‘She just wants something…straightforward.’
And she does.  She’d freak out over all the waving fronds.  We got to the counter and I reached for my credit card. But we weren’t done.
‘Would she like some Buzz Fresh?’
‘I beg your pardon?’
Seems you need a particular specialist cleansing wipe for your sex toys.  Bloody hell, it’s like when you buy shoes and they try to flog you the polish.  Except, shit, this lot really have you in a bind, don’t they?  You can hardly say, “Nah, it’s okay…I’ll just rinse it off” or “Nah, you’re alright, love, I’ve already got tons left over from the last one.”
‘Okay, bung it in...’ I said, to coin a phrase.
‘We have the bullet on special offer…’ She said, clearly knowing she’d got me now. 
‘You what?’
And, oh my… A teeny tiny vibrator that looks for all the world like a lipstick.  Now that is clever.  
‘They’re on special offer with other purchases.’ 
‘Go on then. I’ll have one of those…for myself.’  Because the idea of having a dildo in my handbag just amuses the hell out of me.
She looked triumphant. ‘Gold, black, blue or pink?’
‘No silver?’
'Sorry. We sold out.' 

Anyhow. I walked out with a bag full of vibrators…and cleaning gunk...and a catalogue and feck knows what.  The catalogue will be...interesting...because, see, I’m not really up to speed on this stuff anymore.  Having tested them all out years ago, I found that electronic stimulation (while certainly a quick route to orgasm) results in (for me anyway) a slightly…what’s the word?... tinny experience.  It’s a bit crude.  As in there’s no subtlety about it.  And yes, I know that sounds a bit pretentious but while I’m not terribly connoisseurish about food, I’m a bit gourmet-ish about orgasms.  I mean, much as you might like steak and chips, you wouldn’t want it every day, would you?  Sometimes you’re just in the mood for a nice bog standard sandwich or even, if you’re in a hurry, a Big Mac.  But then again sometimes you crave something a bit more challenging, or even esoteric.  Ah, it’s complicated.  In fact, I’ve half-written two books on sex and maybe it’s time to go back to finishing them.. Maybe, come (sorry) to think about it, I should road-test the new models...

Adrian roared with laughter when I told him and we were still laughing as we got out the car and bumped into our next-door neighbour.
‘What’ve you two been up to then?’  he said jovially.
‘Oh, we're just back from Bath,’ said Adrian.  ‘I was checking out hotels.  Jane was shopping.’
He looked meaningfully at my one single (no logo) bag and winked at Adrian.
‘Wow…you got off lightly,’ he said.  
Why do men of a certain age always assume that women don’t buy their own stuff eh?  But that’s another post entirely.
‘Good things come in small packages,’ I said brightly, waving my bag, praying the damn things wouldn’t start off on their own accord. 
‘Gold eh?’ he said. How did he know? And then the cracker... 
‘Have fun, kids.’
Adrian and I just about made it inside before... dissolving into hysterical laughter. 


Anonymous said...

Wonder if the "tinny" experience you mention for a woman is a bit like simple ejaculation for men.

There's a heck of a difference between a tinny ejaculation and a real orgasm.

Sadly, most men seem to only get the tinny most of the time, and the real full-body thing once in a blue moon - if ever.

Exmoorjane said...

Absolutely! Well, from my experience as a man, that is.. :) And yeah, I've kinda tried that too...

For women the range is/can be huge...maybe endless. I don't know - still researching. :)

Milla said...

Jane you are a card. You really are. Sorry, God knows where that 1920s expression came from, spending too long with my 12 year old. See, what I want to know, purely out of frowning interest of course, is how much these things are. Innocent squares like me have no way of knowing. Don't want to sully laptop by delving into strange internet sites.

Exmoorjane said...

Milla! Lovely! Okay...*flicking through catalogue*.... the bullet (not on offer) is ten quid. The *finger* is twenty quid. Most in region of £15-£30 though the imfamous Rampant Rabbit range (they of the prawn like fingers) go from £25 to £49 for "The Clever One" (yup, that's the one that gives you witty conversation as well as a darn good shag... :)

Anonymous said...

The ejaculation is just the itch that's scratched. The boil that's lanced. The inevitable sneeze when you've sniffed the pepper pot.

The mechanical release of one part of the body.

It doesn't involve the whole body, let alone the mind or the soul.

Lots of blokes settle for that.

Women (I think) and a lot of blokes assume that the ejaculation *is* the orgasm. Job done. Game over.

But it's not.

The orgasm is the full-body, mind-swirling, wave after wave of sweet delirium - a state that's sadly only reached once in a while.

Exmoorjane said...

Anonymous: Sementics really. :) There are many forms of orgasm but yes, I totally agree that the vast majority of men and women never ever experience that form of total body orgasm. Which is hugely sad.

Alison Cross said...

I had a jolly good laugh at this Jane! Thanks! Here's my only sex anecdote!

Yonks ago when we were on our honeymoon, wandering along the Pigalle, my new sailor hubby decided to slip into a sex shop and buy some porn for the ship that he works on. A wedding present for the boys, I guess :-)

I opted to wait outside in the street.....only to be repeatedly offered cash for sex. Terrified and amused in turn, I high-tailed it into the sex shop.

I started at the right hand side of the door and wandered around, as one does in shops....but as I moved around, the 'products' got progressively kinkier and more embarrassing. By the time I reached the Till area, there was not a bit of the shop that I could rest my gaze upon without letting out an inadvertent 'jesus f*ck!' or similar.

It was so bad that the man behind the till came out and escorted me out to the front door in a most gentlemanly fashion.

True story.

Ali x

Exmoorjane said...

And, funny thing... everyone goes anonymous when they talk about sex... :)

Exmoorjane said...

Ah Ali - you slipped in there without me seeing. :) I think it's so interesting the way we are embarrassed about sex...and a huge shame really as it means we miss out. The trouble with sex shops, IMO, is that they trivialise sex...and make it 'smutty' and even 'silly'.

And, hey, Anonymous, I don't mind, btw...not in the least. It's why I allow Anonymous comments on my blog - cos often they are the most interesting!

Kitty said...

See - you've lost me again. Yet another subject I've tried to 'get', I mean really *tried* to find the inner minx, she of the wild abandom and hedonism. But no, she's not there. Or possibly she just prefers reading a good book. Like me. Orgasm, shmorgasm, whatever.

Exmoorjane said...

Oh Kitty... :( I'm damn hard to be a bit *normal* and what happens? :)
I get not liking sex shops and sex toys...but sex? Orgasms? You don't like? Really? post (or soon at any rate), shoes... better? :) xxx

Kitty said...

Not so much don't like - they're great and all - it's just I can take 'em or leave 'em. It's a bit like driving to the seaside for fish and chips. You'd forgotten how good they were once you get there but really, what a long way to go, and what an effort for only a moment's pleasure. I think I'm too lazy/uptight/hormonally weird to do the whole sex thing with any gusto or even slightest interest. Sigh.
Now shoes - instant gratification, plus long-term benefits. What's not to love?

Exmoorjane said...

Moment? Oh Kitty... Shit. Okay, so I need to finish the book. :)

Sessha Batto said...

Well, if you want to remain anonymous about your sex toys don't make my mistake - I was trying to fill out my order on Amazon to get free shipping and added a lovely set of purple sparkly anal beads (purely for research purposes, of course ;)) . . . and now every time I open a page they show me an array of increasingly odd sex toys as suggestions!! As for vibrators - rather boring in my opinion, but useful if you're in a hurry (or want to give your partner a surprise;))

susie @newdaynewlesson said...

So now I know what I want you to bring as a gift next time you come visit here. LOL :-)

ann foweraker said...

Sex toy stories? When my then 17 year-old son set up an internet shop selling sex toys, who do you think he decided to discuss the aesthetics of the different products he could place online for his new business with ... yep .. to my amazement, me, his mum! And fascinating it was too, and knowledge gained might one day be of use in my writing .. you never know! x Ann

Rob-bear said...

Good grief!
A post so personal it would make a sailor blush or a Bear scratch his, er, um, head. Yes, that's it, head.
A new "low" in the blogsphere, so to speak.
So much for the thought this Diary was a family-rated blog, Bonkers household notwithstanding.
Bear trundles out, shaking his much-puzzled head. "Thank goodness it's close to hibernation," he mumbled.

Exmoorjane said...

Sessh: Good tip re Amazon. :)

Susie: Okay, admit it - you really like the idea of security raking through my bags, don't you? :)

Ann: entrepreneurial son! Yup, nothing is wasted when it comes to writing material... :)

Rob: This was why I put a warning at the top of the post. Personally I don't think there is anything remotely shameful in sex and I think society would be healthier if we talked more openly and candidly about it. But I do apologise if this post offended you.

Rob-bear said...

No offence at all. It was a well written piece, it was just "different."
And my reply was partly tongue in cheek, written after a long day.
There are so many things which continue to surprise me, in terms of public discourse. Emphasis on the word "surprise." That's not bad, it is just, well, surprising.
But if people are discussing social action (which might be seen as "politics") and spiritual development (which might be seen as religion), I suppose we have reached a very different level of open discussion.
No worries Jane. Just a bit of a surprised Bear. Sorry if I spoke inadvertently.

Exmoorjane said...

Rob: very glad you weren't offended...would hate to offend you. :) Yes, maybe times are changing. Funny thing, on Exmoor the social mores are that one shouldn't discuss politics, religion or hunting - but sex is fair game! Crikey, is it really nearly hibernation time again? I'll miss this incarnation when your other side comes out to play. :)

Anonymous said...

My daughter used to do Anne Summers parties. I used to laugh at the stuff some people bought. Sometimes, your friends and others you know well and not so well can really surprise you....All you girls need now is a rabid rabbit that cuts the grass and gives foot rubs and us guys can get back to our footy and

Exmoorjane said...

Never been to an Ann Summers party...and, like I said, the whole sex toy thing doesn't really rock my boat.. But each to their own, eh.. :) Dunno about cutting the grass but the bullet amuses the dogs mightily. LOL.

Zoë said...

I'm still wincing having seen the size of the Barbie pink thing that blonde bimbo is waving around.

Have to say since being chopped around so much, with BC, loosing all me girly bits, ovaries and so on, no HRT etc, I dont even think about sex any more - female eunach and all that.

When I do think about it I miss what it used to be like pre cancer and invasion of the organ snatchers.

Just think everything is broken now *sad sigh*

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Ryan Boyles said...

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Adult Toy Solutions said...

Great and funny story you have here! Good job for keeping your word and buying your friend one of those vibrators! :)

Sophia Gabriel said...

My boyfriend once gifted me a vibrator and i haven't used it even once, don't it is just me or there are also other women who doesn't like to use sex toys.