I’ve been censored. No, really. Not quite banned, like Marek’s book (which Kindle refuse to publish in the UK – Yes, really!), but censored. I’m so excited I may just hyperventilate.
As you possibly know, I write a blog for The Lady magazine. I’m not entirely sure why but hey, why not?
Anyhow, the Ann Summers and vibrators in Bath story was still making me chuckle (not least because the offending item, having been dispatched to said friend, didn’t work so she sent it back to me and I sent it on to Ann Summers who insisted it was working and sent it back – to me - but no, it patently wasn't doing anything so I figured maybe it was just me being inept so so I passed it round the pub and nobody, no, not nobody could get the darn thing even to wriggle, let alone vibrate so I sent a stroppy email to Ann Summers but haven’t heard a dicky-bird) hence I thought I’d reprise it with a few juicy added extra bits for The Lady. And yes, that was one hell of a Ciceronian sentence – blame it on the child as I’ve just been doing Latin prep with him.
Anyhow, I sent it off (the blog post; not the vibrator, I've given up on that and I'll get her a nice juicer instead) this morning and back came an email from the lovely Katie.
'I think it’s hilarious but it may be too risqué for the site.’
Get that…I’m too risque. I tell you, my life is complete. Except, the email continued. ‘Do you have anything else you could send over…today.’
Today? As in this day? As in now? So I went on Twitter and bleated. And then I asked my good followers, what should I write about, for The Lady?
@AnneWareham: [firmly] ‘Gardens. You have to be sweet and kind about gardens.’
- But mine is full of thistles and weeds (spot the song reference).
@kitschyanna: ‘Doilies and Labradors.’
- But the one I wrote had a springer spaniel in it. And a colonel. *sigh*
@frankiesachs: ‘Write about blow jobs. Then whatever you wrote about before will seem tame in comparison.’
- Nice thinking, Frankie..except…
@frankiesachs: ‘Hahaha. It was already about blowjobs?’
- *wince* Not quite.
@kitschyanna: ‘What? Between the colonel and the springer? :O’
- Hmm, there's a challenge. Could I weave all of those into one post?
@RenWarom: ‘Making crotchless panties from doilies?’
At which point poor Gordon in the US spluttered all over the screen that he'd just woken up and the first thing he'd seen on Twitter was crocheting crotchless panties.
Oh really. And off they went off on a long riff about needlecrafting deeply unLadylike garments and *dashes over and has a quick look* yup, they're still debating it several hours later. Seriously I do wonder about the people I follow on Twitter sometimes. J
Anyhow, the thought about blogging for The Lady on crocheting G-strings or knitting whips made me laugh so much I missed lunch entirely and realised it was midway through the afternoon and I still hadn’t come up with an alternative. Then another tweet caught my eye and I sighed with pleasure. That’s what I’d write about. Not a hint, not even a whiff of sex involved. And, oh so suitable for Hallowe’en.