Friday, 28 October 2011

I've been censored!

I’ve been censored.  No, really. Not quite banned, like Marek’s book (which Kindle refuse to publish in the UK – Yes, really!), but censored.  I’m so excited I may just hyperventilate. 
As you possibly know, I write a blog for The Lady magazine. I’m not entirely sure why but hey, why not?  

Anyhow, the Ann Summers and vibrators in Bath story was still making me chuckle (not least because the offending item, having been dispatched to said friend, didn’t work so she sent it back to me and I sent it on to Ann Summers who insisted it was working and sent it back – to me - but no, it patently wasn't doing anything so I figured maybe it was just me being inept so so I passed it round the pub and nobody, no, not nobody could get the darn thing even to wriggle, let alone vibrate so I sent a stroppy email to Ann Summers but haven’t heard a dicky-bird) hence I thought I’d reprise it with a few juicy added extra bits for The Lady. And yes, that was one hell of a Ciceronian sentence – blame it on the child as I’ve just been doing Latin prep with him.

Anyhow, I sent it off (the blog post; not the vibrator, I've given up on that and I'll get her a nice juicer instead) this morning and back came an email from the lovely Katie. 
'I think it’s hilarious but it may be too risqué for the site.’ 
Get that…I’m too risque.  I tell you, my life is complete. Except, the email continued. ‘Do you have anything else you could send over…today.’
Today?  As in this day? As in now? So I went on Twitter and bleated.  And then I asked my good followers, what should I write about, for The Lady?

@AnneWareham: [firmly] ‘Gardens. You have to be sweet and kind about gardens.’
- But mine is full of thistles and weeds (spot the song reference). 
@kitschyanna: ‘Doilies and Labradors.’
- But the one I wrote had a springer spaniel in it.  And a colonel. *sigh*
@frankiesachs: ‘Write about blow jobs. Then whatever you wrote about before will seem tame in comparison.’ 
- Nice thinking, Frankie..except…
@frankiesachs: ‘Hahaha. It was already about blowjobs?’
- *wince*  Not quite.
@kitschyanna: ‘What? Between the colonel and the springer? :O’
- Nooooo.
@CatParrott: ‘Bread/moss/kittens/jigsaws.’
- Hmm, there's a challenge. Could I weave all of those into one post? 
@RenWarom: ‘Making crotchless panties from doilies?’
At which point poor Gordon in the US spluttered all over the screen that he'd just woken up and the first thing he'd seen on Twitter was crocheting crotchless panties.
Oh really. And off they went off on a long riff about needlecrafting deeply unLadylike garments and *dashes over and has a quick look* yup, they're still debating it several hours later.  Seriously I do wonder about the people I follow on Twitter sometimes. J

Anyhow, the thought about blogging for The Lady on crocheting G-strings or knitting whips made me laugh so much I missed lunch entirely and realised it was midway through the afternoon and I still hadn’t come up with an alternative.  Then another tweet caught my eye and I sighed with pleasure. That’s what I’d write about. Not a hint, not even a whiff of sex involved.  And, oh so suitable for Hallowe’en.  
Blood sacrifice.


Gordon Kuhn said...

I'm still hung up over crotchless panties.

Milla said...

Hilarious, you silly old sausage. And silly old Lady. Them, not you.
word verif cockeseab. Really

Anne Wareham said...

Thought you were asking on twitter what we thought The Lady might have censored.

Hence my thought that you'd gone too far by describing a weed ridden garden. We all know all gardens are luvverly.


Exmoorjane said...

Gordon - apologies for giving you a...disturbance...over your breakfast. :)

Milla - No. I don't believe you.

Anne - I do apologise! Have I dragged you unwittingly into a sordid blog post? Oh dear... ;)

Anonymous said...

Well I'm glad to see my obsession with 1001 uses for doilies started something weird and wonderful.

Starting madness... that's what it's all about.

And doilies. Really. What are they for? Just what! Like Antimacassars they have no real, practical use. They're just there to look *frilly*.

I shudder at the horror of it all.

Midlife Singlemum said...

Re: Blood sacrifice - We once took a photo of our family Passover seder night to send to family abroad. It was about 1978 and my dad insisted that all the wine glasses only have white wine in them and not red. In 1978 in London he was nervous about the picture getting into the wrong hands and starting a Jewish blood-libel affair. Unbelievable but true.

Thinking said...

hmmm....good luck...and good news...

Anonymous said...

Why American men should boycott American women

I am an American man, and I have decided to boycott American women. In a nutshell, American women are the most likely to cheat on you, to divorce you, to get fat, to steal half of your money in the divorce courts, don’t know how to cook or clean, don’t want to have children, etc. Therefore, what intelligent man would want to get involved with American women?

American women are generally immature, selfish, extremely arrogant and self-centered, mentally unstable, irresponsible, and highly unchaste. The behavior of most American women is utterly disgusting, to say the least.

This blog is my attempt to explain why I feel American women are inferior to foreign women (non-American women), and why American men should boycott American women, and date/marry only foreign (non-American) women.


BRAND NEW: Buy the Boycott American Women book. After reading this book, I promise you that you will never even think about dating an American woman ever again, or else I will give you your money back. That's right, if you are not convinced by my book, I will give you a full refund!

Buy the Boycott American Women eBook now for just $4.99:

Please join the Boycott American Women facebook group:

John Rambo

Please also take the time to read a FREE short 100 page book called “Living Free in a Fem-Nazi World”. This book is about freeing you from the fem-nazi, fem-fascist state you live in to live your life as you choose. This book will show you how to no longer be subject to the fem-nazi ‘legislation’ that claims you are a slave with no rights at all.

After reading this short 100 page book, you will understand how to become completely legally free of the feminist legal system worldwide. That is, no woman will ever be able to persecute you or harm you through false DV charges, false rape accusations, feminist divorce courts, etc. In short, you will indeed be a free man in a world of feminism, free and safe from being harmed by feminism.

Download the ‘Living Free in a Fem-Nazi World’ eBook for free here:

Ashen said...

I used to flick through 'The Lady'in newsagents but haven't done so in thirty years. It's come a long way. Maybe time to have another look :)

Anonymous said...

And did you see what they've done to my cover pic? :o(

Judy Astley said...

Am now confused about which age group The Lady is currently aiming at. Under 10s? In which case I can see the point of the censoring. But grown-ups, anyone over 50? My experimental hippie generation? The REALLY old who had (ahem) 'experience' during the better moments of the war? One despairs!

Rob-bear said...


You? Write something which should be censored? Oh dear!

What a sad place at which we have arrived.

An impertinence up with which we should not put!

Frankie said...

Who knew censorship could be so much fun?

Nora said...

Every story about a vibrator is not a good story.