Monday, 14 November 2011

My Liz Jones fantasy...

Okay, so I had the next few posts all planned out (in my head) for the blog – taking you a bit further on my extraordinarily deep and meaningful journey into the further reaches of spirituality; meandering through labyrinths; breathing, meditating, fasting, thinking beautiful pure thoughts and so on.  But then…
I popped into town. To pick up some dog food.  And washing powder. And muesli, because seriously the sugary Alpen just makes your teeth whistle, no?  And I went into a shop and was burrowing in the muesli basket when someone came up to me and said.
‘I don’t suppose you read Liz Jones in the Mail, do you?’ 
Liz in her Exmoor hell-hole. 
And I said. ‘No, not usually.’ Because, frankly, I’m only really interested if she starts telling lies about Exmoor again and, praise be, she seems to have shut up on that one since her editors or someone advised her to stop ripping the countryside to shreds and instead start this malarkey about her alleged romance with the alleged ‘rock star’ (The One Nobody Has Ever Seen, No Not Even Her Immediate Neighbours). 
‘Oh God, you won’t believe it…’ said the woman. 
‘Trust me, I will,’ I responded. Because, let’s be honest, where Liz Jones is concerned, nothing is beyond belief.  ‘But go on…’
‘She was going to be in I’m a Celebrity, Get me Out of Here…’
‘Whaaaa….?????’  The bag of muesli fell to the floor.  Images flashed before my eyes in quick succession: of Liz Jones trying to vacuum the jungle; of Liz Jones plucking at her T-shirt and lamenting that it wasn’t Prada; of Liz Jones asking if the witchety-grubs were organic. Except, hang about, she’s ‘vegan’ isn’t she?  Apart from the wine and the egg on chips of course. And let’s conveniently forget about the leather shoes and handbags and all. 
That tongue needs a good scrape...
‘Can you imagine it?’ said the woman, her eyes half-shut in blissful reverie. ‘Can you just imagine her nose-down in insects?’ She looked rapt. I could see her point. We stood, in the middle of the shop, wordlessly, breathing, meditating even, on this one pure image. In the moment, in the Now. A heartbeat from nirvana.   
‘Oh yes…’ I breathed. ‘Oh yessss!’
A man walked in and quickly walked out again, possibly wondering if we were indulging in touchless orgasm (a neat skill that I may, or may not share with you further down the line). The SP howled balefully from outside. The moment was gone.  We shook our heads and looked at one another.
‘And?’ I said. ‘Was she?’    
She shook her head sadly. ‘Nah. She turned it down.’
Liz Jones. Allegedly.
Oh the disappointment.  But really, of course she did!  You have to wonder though. I checked the article and she said: ‘Not only would I not eat an insect. I would not put one under stress either – not for any amount of cash.’ And then she went on about Jains (you know, the ones who practise Jainism) and how they avoid harming anything and described them as 'my kind of people. Higher Beings.' No, really. She did. Liz Jones is a self-styled Higher Being. Anyone else and I'd have said they were being ironic... 

Anyhow, the Higher Being business aside, it's all very noble and, coming from someone who allegedly fed her stable rats on organic muesli (probably the same brand I had just sent skittering over the floor) you could just about buy it. And, let’s be very honest here, I wouldn’t eat bugs out of choice. But then if someone said to me, ‘Come on I’m a Celebrity..’ (which, of course, they wouldn’t cos I’m not a ‘celebrity’ thank feck)  it would take all of ten seconds for me to say, ‘Badger off, mate.’  

But it took her five months to realise that ingesting bugs was part of the package?  

Oh come on!  More likely the producers simply didn’t pick her out of the shortlisted three for ‘her slot’ because...well…do you really need me to list the reasons?
But really. Damnit. Just damnit.  Cos see, I don’t watch these circus freak shows that pass as TV entertainment nowadays.  But, in this case, I’d have made an exception. J

21 comments:

vampyre said...

Hadn't you better protect your son and any other males you care about from her sperm kleptomania? I'd be terrified of Grotbags molesting them, years of therapy wouldn't undo the trauma.

Big Fashionista said...

I'd have paid damn good money I don't have to see that. In fact I'd have borrowed off a rather grumpy, short-tempered impatient loan shark if I'd have had to to pay whatever money she wanted to see that.....


Sigh.

One day

Midlife Singlemum said...

The articles of hers I've read recently are all about her regret at not having a husband/partner and never having had children. I think it's very sad. To have spent your career trying to create a perfect lifestyle that leaves you lonely, anorexic and poor is a pretty big #celebfail and she doesn't seem to have anything else.

Expat mum said...

Thank god we don't get it over here, so I don't even have to deliberate. The only outcome I would wish for would be for people everywhere to realise what a complete an utter whingebag she is, and they'd stop reading her DM column. Then the DM would fire her and no one else would hire her and we'd never see or hear her again.
Oh blliss...

Sessha Batto said...

I'm still buying lottery tickets every week, Jane - one day I'll win and buy her Exmoor hovel ;)

Eileen said...

That Woman is the limit. She was on the latest Mary Portas series, picking at a rail of nice-looking clothes and saying, "I wouldn't wear THAT, or THAT, or THAT...". She seems to enjoy being sour. Love your caption: Exmoor hell-hole :-) The Aussie jungle's loss would've been Dulverton's gain.

Frankie said...

Wait... isn't Liz Jones the one that's too stupid to figure out how to reproduce and has resorted to stealing spermicide soaked semen from used condoms?

Frankie said...

Also:

"touchless orgasm (a neat skill that I may, or may not share with you further down the line)"

Fun with kegels!

Exmoorjane said...

Vamp: You know what? No need to resort to those levels round here...Exmoor sperm-doners ten a penny! :)

Big Fash: Yeah, me too. :)

MSM: It IS sad. But she's one of those people who simply won't wake up!

EPM: Nah, they won't fire her. Someone high up at the Mail is a HUGE fan. Anyhow, she gets more comments on her posts than any big news story. People love to hate her and that is great for sales.. :)

Sessh: Please, please...how cool would it be for us to be neighbours???

Eileen: she's turned sour into a higher art form. She should get a grant for it. :)

Frankie: Yeeuach....that is an image that has just wrecked my evening chances of nirvana...but yeah, something like that, or so I hear. Kegels? There's a blast from the past. Hadn't thought of those. :)

Fennie said...

So funny! Cruel - (in the Higher Being sense) - but wonderfully funny.

Clare said...

Oh Jane, I love your blog anyway but I adore it when you slag off Liz Jones! :)

Tattie Weasle said...

I feel sooooo guilty by saying that I'd have enjoyed it if she had been on I'm a Celebrity: why is being/and or thinking bad things sometimes so very, very pleasurable?

Cait O'Connor said...

Your posts just get funnier Jane, I loved this one. Laughter is the best medicine.

the veg artist said...

So entrapment of a male into parenthood is not harming said male? It would have harmed his wallet and peace of mind if nothing else!

Frankie said...

@the veg artist

Outrage is somewhat mitigated by the fact that she could've just gone to a sperm bank and happily Murphy Browned it. Or worked out a 50/50 split with a gay man friend. Or been reckless with a nameless stranger on vacation in Majorca.

Instead she decided to surreptitiously siphon dead sperm from used condoms in the bathroom and failed utterly in her attempt to procreate. No actual mens lives were ruined in her poorly conceived attempt.

And then she told the entire internet about it. Priceless.

Ivy said...

If it wasn't for you I'd bnever heard of her Maybe you should just not mention her any more (hard exercise I know but with a lot of yogic breathing you will succeed I do believe I you!!!) Because ignoring her is the way of shutting up pseudo celebrities like her. My Christian faith teaches to pity her, because she must be lonely and disappointed in life, but it is not up to you or me to show her where the true meaning of life lies. Look she is making such a fool of herself that it is almost tragic.

Bud Jazzman said...

Christians are brainwashed lemmings.....imho

Jake Barton said...

How very unkind. This poor woman has had a hard life, denied the joys of parenthood or a lasting relationship by her devotion to the Daily Mail. Now she finds herself marooned amidst a collection of 'rural' types, straw-chewing locals who don't even recognise a Prada label when it's staring them in the face.
No, this is too much, the poor woman's a saint and she shall have a jiffybag of semen whenever she wants.
Shame on you, Jane. I suspect having a celebrity in your midst may be hard to take. When I met you recently I noted your awkwardness whenever my adoring public begged for autographs or permission to touch the hem of my garments. I suspect Liz finds herself equally ostracised. I'm sure she'll be glad to return to London on a permanent basis soon having done all she could to civilise the yokels, sorry locals.

isabelcostello said...

Very funny post. I don't keep up with the antics of LJ (not being a Daily Mail reader, you understand) but every time I hear a new installment it's one step further down the ladder of dignity. I still can't get over her remark about the cost of her facelift (do they do refunds?) whilst supposedly highlighting poverty in Somalia, but this condom appropriating behaviour is very shocking. I suppose trawling round bars in search of a one night stand wouldn't make such a good story. Or did I miss that part ?

Joanne Mallon said...

I agree that it's much more likely that they didn't want her, rather than the other way round. I used to be a TV producer booking people for shows, and my immediate thought when I read the LJ piece is that if they'd really wanted her then they would have done a lot more to persuade her. One of the skills you learn as a TV producer is to drop people in such a way that they aren't too put out, and this is what I think has happened here.

Though as a viewer I would have loved her to be on the show, far more interestingly bonkers than the line up on offer.

Crystal Jigsaw said...

All I can say is, the insects were saved.

CJ xx