Monday, 30 April 2012

Wild and free...

I have worked sixteen hour days for the past fortnight.  Minimum.  I have eaten at my desk (when I’ve remembered to) and fallen asleep over the keyboard (yes, when I woke up my nose was indented with the letter B and the screen was flashing ominously). One night I even dreamed I got through a whole shedload of stuff and woke feeling a profound sense of satisfaction – until I realised, with sinking heart, that it had all been emailed and filed in the land of sleep. 
And what do I have to show for all this effort?  Not a whole lot, truth be told. A few ‘maybes’; a couple of ‘possiblys’; quite a lot more ‘no thank yous’ but mainly... silence. 

Never mind. You carry on, right?  You don’t give up. And all the time you’re putting on a brave face, smiling and laughing and pretending everything is hunky-dory.  But by heck sometimes it’s hard to keep one’s spirits up. And, I’ll be honest, I think I may be running out of steam.  Which is why I can’t wait for Friday. 

Come Friday I am waving my credit card at the train station and taking myself up to London.  My bestest friend Jane (she of chicken-eating spider fame) is off to Southwold for her own version of escape. ‘Do you want to come?’ she said, a while back. ‘I’d love to,’ I said. ‘But, could I borrow your flat instead?’  ‘Of course you can,’ she said.  The way she does.
Cos, see, I had people I needed to meet in London in May.  But, the way these things go, the best-laid plans go astray and the right people will be in the wrong places.  You have to laugh, right? 

Ben Barnett
Still. I shall go nonetheless.  I am hoping to meet up with my old editor from HarperCollins and I'm going to be reviewing some luscious treatments.  So I get to experience the Kundalini massage at Gielly Green which uses products from the divine ila-spa range.  And I also get to meet Ben Barnett who comes highly recommended by Nicola Hughes. Ben does what he calls ‘three dimensional bodywork’ using a hydrotherm massage bed.  As he works on you he also takes you on a guided visualisation.  ‘Think of two words that capture how you want to feel,’ he said in his email.  Eh what?  ‘You know, energised, peaceful, positive, that kind of thing...’

Um. How do I want to feel?  In two words.  Just two words?  That stopped me in my tracks.

And the negatives flooded in.  It’s easy to know what I don’t want. I’m fed up of feeling tired, overstretched, underappreciated, washed up, old, broke, misunderstood, sad, angry, frustrated, bored. Okay so that's a bit melodramatic but I really would like to stop feeling like I’m banging my head against the proverbial brick wall again and again and again. I'd love not to feel the need to pander to delicate egos all the time. I’m sick of walking on eggshells.  I’m fed up to the back teeth of people making promises they have no intention of keeping. And I am really really really tired of being cold.

But that’s no good for Ben, is it?  Yet the positives just sounded too floaty, too wishy washy.  Energized – yeah great, but for what?  Serene? I’m not a freaking lake. 
What did you use? I asked Nicola. ‘Proud and peaceful,’ she snapped back instantly. Nicola is always so certain, so sure. Peaceful? Nah, I’m bored of peaceful. Proud? Nah, I don’t really have any self-esteem issues that would warrant that.

So… what then? Rich? Sounds greedy.  I don’t need rich anyhow, just solvent would be nice. But that makes me sound like glue.  Abundant?  Vegetation springs to mind.

And then a whole pile of music crashed through my head.  Images from the third book in my series of novels accompanied them. Wide open roads. Deserts. An open-top car with music blaring out.   
There you go, said my subconscious.  There you go.  Two words for you, my lovely.  Wild and Free.  Wild and Free.  


Anonymous said...

That reminds me of the time I went to an Imbolc ceremony and we were asked to set our intent for the year while lighting a candle, one at a time. So, the ladies tiptoed up with their candles and intoned, peacefulness, or even youthfulness or light heartedness. In my turn, I stomped up, growled, "I wanna be invincible!" lit my candle and stomped off.
I do so hope and pray some of the bread you have cast on the water reels in some nice tasty fishes.

Ashen said...

Wild and free does it for me. Thanks for evoking the image. I add sunshine :) Have a great time in London.

Frances said...

Jane, please do post again when you get home, with a report on your time away from home.

I'm wondering what two words I might have chosen, perhaps healthy, perhaps creative.


Tee said...

Wild and free would work for me.

But I think, for me right now, Natural & Wise. That's what I'd like to feel.

And I hope you get to your wild and free spot. I really do.

And I understand a lot of what's in this, the feelings behind it resonate. I feel you.

Looking for Blue Sky said...

As someone who often feels trapped in a cage, 'wild and free' is absolutely what I would aim for too x

Anne Wareham said...

Whenever I feel the way you describe (before you felt wild and free, natch) I also feel as if I'm the only person in the world feeling that way. Which makes it worse.

It's a kind of double shot. But blogland helps undermine that 'only me' bit. So, thanks. XXXXX

Frit said...

Peaceful and secure (financially). But wild and free runs a close second. I'm glad you have your blog to take and sequester the negative feelings - because then we get to read it, and realize that we're not alone. You are not alone - the human condition sucks a good deal of the time. I hope your time away is restorative.

Rob-bear said...

Wise and gentle work for me. Bear is already wild and free. Well, sot of.

Expat mum said...

I think mine might be "publshed" and free. Free from what, I'm not sure but it's a nice thought!