Tuesday 8 April 2008

Benighted blog

Have you ever had the feeling that life really isn’t playing the game? Here I sit, looking out the window and what do I see? A large rusty radiator propped against the wall; a magnolia blighted by frost after a mere two days of glory; a camellia ditto and a large plump rat jauntily munching on the bird nuts. My feet are freezing cold, my fingers can barely type and the electric fan heater is giving off a strong smell of cat pee. As if that weren’t bad enough, I did the most stupid thing ever this morning. Glutton for punishment, I got on the scales. For months I’ve been comforted by the fact that I had absolutely no idea how much I weighed, as the only scales we have measure in kilos and I have never been arsed to get my head around metric. Then things started getting tight, very tight. The jeans that had always been a bit baggy around the thigh suddenly started hugging in far too intimate a manner. My bra – for Pete’s sake – started pinching and if I’m oozing out of an H cup, what hope is there? So, feeling extremely brave, I borrowed a pair of real scales, in stones and pounds and lumbered on. I mean, how much weight can one put on in a mere four months? Oh. My. God. How did that happen? I knew I was getting porky but I had no idea I had put on a stone since I last looked. I am nearly as large as I was when I was pregnant – only now the rampaging wrinkles will stop anyone making of asking ‘When’s it due’.

Nothing else for it. Went to the kitchen and baked up a batch of triple choc chip cookies and ate about six in one sitting. Although the prospect of summer seems unlikely, if it ever does come I shall be the sad woman in the vast kaftan. Or, better still, a burqa. I think I have just given up. I can’t even be bothered to paint my nails. My toenails are so long they’re starting to snag on my socks (Tights? Stockings? Don’t be daft – wearing skirts takes FAR too much effort). There isn’t a sharp razorblade in the house (maybe Adrian has taken to hiding them out of concern for my mood) so I have a thick shagpile of hair in all the places women are supposed to keep smooth and nude. In fact, if I ever do get around to doing something about it, I reckon I’ll have to go to a dog groomer and get myself stripped.

If my body is no longer a temple, my house is a tip. When the dust gets to a full inch thick, there really is nothing much you can do, other than stick your finger in and prod gloomy pictures of hollow-eyed people in it. I am deeply embarrassed to say my house is, let’s not mince words, a pit of filth. Yes, I KNOW we have builders in and missing floorboards and dangling electrics and free-standing plumbing (including half the radiators in the garden providing a gym for the rats – who, I notice bitterly, are in much better shape than I am). But really there is no excuse. I have become a slattern and a slob.

So slatternly, in fact, that I haven’t ever got around to doing my 7 weird facts. So, better late than never, here they are. Who knows, this burst of activity might spur me into doing something else. Like bake up a rhubarb polenta cake maybe.

7 things you might not know about me.

1. I used to make jewellery – beaded bracelets and wild earrings.
2. I was once arrested in Richmond Park on three counts of reckless riding (but got off!).
3. I have taken courses in past life regression and SHEN therapy, but have never practiced.
4. I’ve done the Ouija Board and scared myself witless when somebody WAS there!
5. I have always wanted a pet mongoose.
6. My favourite scents are amber, neroli and jasmine.
7. I have never been a bridesmaid (and, to be honest, never thought I’d be a bride).

I’m a lousy tagger and tagee so shall leave this to float in the ether….think everyone has done it anyhow…. Now, after this little burst of activity, think I’ll go and stare out the window a bit. Or think up a cunning plan to avoid the mother who’s coming to pick up James actually seeing how bad the house is. Perhaps we’ll sit, nonchalantly on the steps, pretending to be cloud-spotting or, hell, anything really that doesn’t require too much effort.


Zoë said...

Go and take it out on the Ground Elder, if nothing else it smells wonderful as you dig it up and deprive it of life!

I often commit herbicide in the garden - see this is where the English language doesn't work - murder is homicide - but herbicide is a noxious chemical! Bah!

{{{{ Jane }}}} wish I was nearer, think you need an emergency girls day out, would take you for a walk somewhere, and justify tea and cake having expended so much energy walking!



Oh Jane - know just how you feel. I have taken to hiding the scales (when I could no longer keep kidding myself by leaning against the bath whilst standing on them, thus shaving a good four pounds off), and am - even as we speak - whipping up a batch of vanilla biscuits, despite the fact that I made gingerbread yesterday and we still have half of the fruitcake I made at the weekend. Also, can't remember the last time I wore a skirt, but must be several years ago. But when you're such a nice person, I'm sure other people won't even look at the state of your house. And having the builders in is a perfect excuse.

Great facts - love jasmine and neroli, although I can't quite place amber. And would love to hear the story of the Ouija board some time. (And the reckless riding!)

Sally Townsend said...

I'm coming right over to slap you !! just let me finish the bar of Cadbury's Dairy Milk double choc some bitch bought me .......

Westerwitch/Headmistress said...

Good grief Jane - this will not do at all . . .and I see your vest is flapping all over the place.

Here want a Kit Kat chunky bar - two infact they were in my egg and I can't eat them.

It is clearly all getting on top of you and will continue to do so until you get on top of it.

There will be sun soon Jane and your spirits will lift and if not we will all be over to take it turns to slap you out of it.

The dust will have to wait there IS NO POINT when you have builders in. So what about the garden then . . . a bit of exercise and achievement to bring value back to you and your life in general.

Like we always say about our kids it is just a phase and Winter not quite into Spring is a good time for it to ooze out of the woodwork.

Anonymous said...

Would love to hear about the Ouija board!

Great post, Jane. Had me in stitches. Fabulous room btw.

CJ xx

Faith said...

Jane, you are just in a contemplative stage before your next burst of creative energy - something to do with the moon according to Cait's blog! Anyway, no-one who has written a book is lazy or a slattern in my opinion, but a goddess to be worshipped!!!

And me would love to hear the Ouija board, so thats 3 of us so far. Another homework for you!

As to fat, if I can lose a stone - so can you. Hard but do-able.

Exmoorjane said...

You are all dear kind souls and you cheered me up no end - to the point where I thought, 'I'll go and buy myself something nice from the something nice shop' - which was, inevitably, shut.
Alas, Faith, if only I had just the one paltry stone to lose - I fear it is four times that.
But you're right about the garden and the ground elder, and I do so wish you could take me for an emergency girls day out, Zoe.....
Right, shall sally over to Cait's blog to find out about the moon - though you have to wonder, don't you, how long a malevolent moon cycle can last?!

Pipany said...

Bug**r, what is it about choc at the moment? I'm not even particularly a fan yet I have eaten two of Elias's left over creme eggs (well, for goodness sake, why hasn't he eaten them!!!) Now I have guilt!

I'm coming with Zoe for the girl's day out - she can find us a gorgeous garden to look at where there is neither a rat nor hen poo, then a lovely pub lunch (no cooking or washing up) with a glass of the good stuff followed by a long moan fest to purge the miseries....oh if only!!!!

Thinking of you xx

Maggie Christie said...

I did three Creme eggs in one day over Easter, which would explain the extra half stone DESPITE all the running. Actually it might have been four... and then there was all the Sauvingnon Blanc... And yes, I did make myself a batch of Nigella's jam doughnut muffins to cheer myself up! Doh!
I loved the seven facts - I used to make jewellery too. I was a big fan of Janet Coles Beads. The ouija board worries me a bit and why a mongoose?
Which is the 'something nice shop'? I found the two tack shops, the 20p toilets, the info centre and the library. Also had a quick look around the market and saw a collie dog swipe a cake from the cake stall (actually he only licked it! Bet they sold it later!!!) Couldn't find Bonkers House though - or I'd have knocked on your door on Friday 28th March. Were you in? We're all coming back later on in the summer - how about a meet up? Tea at Knightshayes perhaps? xxPM

bodran... said...

Well i'm sorry jane but i'm not coming out to play if your so fat!! and hairy!! with your toenails scraping on the floor!!!! Sorry no can do!! From your fat ,hairy [very red and patchy], spotty friend!!
2 weeks at a health farm would be spiffing xxxxxxxxxx Now i'll go and do my 7 things cos no one Tagged me xo

Norma Murray said...

Now this may be no comfort at all, but remember, when you put on a little weight as you get older, it helps to fill out the wrinkles.
Ouch! (Sorry about the exclamation mark)

Chris Stovell said...

I'm sorry but you still made me laugh even though your head is firmly on the Pillow of Doom! Yes, I recognise the toe nail syndrome! Lily once threatened to call the toe police if I didn't do something about them. It WILL pass!

Milla said...

YO! fat girl, come and stay, I can skip along beside and pretend to be thin. Mongooses, eh ... ahem. And H CUPS well, that's just showing off. 6 biscuits? not even trying? Knee deep in dust? A mere amateur. So, when are you coming to stay?? If you can't bend over your tum, I could always paint your nails for you, tee hee. xxxx

Fire Byrd said...

Oh I can so undertand the house stuff I spent 10 years living in a barn that we were converting. I had no heating except an open fire and an aga even by the time I left. So despite it's ultimate beauty the using of the workmate as my kitchen work surface for a year left it's mark.
And who the hell cares about body hair under those circumstances!

Elizabeth Musgrave said...

Come away human child, to the water and the wild (or North Wales as we call it). Go on, get on the train. Leave it behind for a couple of days. You can keep your socks on.

Pondside said...

Oh dear. Oh dear.
Get rid of the scale.
Get out of the house.
Go and buy yourself a really good book, go to a movie, buy a good bottle of wine, buy some gorgeous new sheets and sleep naked in them, write a love letter to yourself.
Wait for the sunshine because it will all be better with a little of that.

toady said...

I'm doing serious scale avoidance. I started cutting down in March and was doing very well and told everbody no chocolate for Easter. Needless to say we ended up with about 4 large eggs and several small boxes which of course greedy guts here could not resist.Sounds like you need a bit of a pamper my girl. Treat yourself.

Inthemud said...

Hi Jane,

Know what you mean, i don't even have scales in the house now, eaten far too much chocolate of late!

Interesting facts about you- regression therapy that must have been fascinating, did you find out anything?
Quegee board yes i've played that and was scared witless too, never will be sure if it was real or not but something was there.

Re my blog, yes the gamekeeper does have a gibbet and he hangs the heads of deer from trees as well as crows etc, really grotsome.

Ivy said...

Oh MG girl you need sunshine (don't we all)great blog I wish I could word my feelings like you do.... what is a Ouija board? desperately awaiting another blog.
Next time a mother comes to pick up James start a smoke bomb and pretend to have a "wee problem" with the central heating

Frances said...

Hello to you Jane,
I share one of your seven, since I also used to make dangly beaded earrings and long ropey beaded necklaces.
Before I went to work in the extremely active world of retail, I weighed 20% more than I do now. But having to briskly dash up and down two flights of stairs over and over each day jump-started my relaxed metabolism. Those extra pounds were shed in six weeks. At first I was actually alarmed that the shedding wouldn't stop, but it came to a gentle halt.

Trust me, I do not recommend a retail job with two flights of stairs, and am merely giving you my case history!


CAMILLA said...

Darling Jane, - you need lots of pampering, and a fun day out with gals. DONT have scales in the house, went up to size 16 early fifties, threw scales out in the end.

I too love the scent of Jasmine. You know Jane, your other half would not want you any other way...
love your room, gorgeous.


Kitty said...

It is so much better not to have scales in the house, I mistakenly bought some and obsession ensued until the battery ran out.
I have just watched Nigella mugging to the camera on some Saturday cooking programme at the golf club while I waited for H to start his lesson (and while I ate a bacon bun). She was making hokey pokey/cinder toffee stuff. So then when I went to the garage to get petrol I bought 3 Crunchies (three for a pound - rude not to really) and two bottles of rose wine as it was on offer - so hey-ho paunch and so long dream-of-the-size 8-white-jeans. Now am off to the point to point so will eat more and drink more and oh - sob - there's no hope for any of us any more!!!!!

Queen Vixen said...

Oh Jane - thats funny, and oh so scarily familiar. I am having a scales free zone at the moment. Darent even look, even considered retiring the apparatus but my cat loves to push bits of paper under the glass and then play with them. Ahh bless - only reason i keep them in the corner of my room.

You probably wont be able to do anything till the builders have gone and lets face it, a few extra pounds and an out of control thatch are probably good repellants for the bum crack brigade!

Never tried the ouja - too chicken! But would LOVE to hear about it.

Carah Boden said...

Jane, I know EXACTLY how you feel! Am listless and hopeless, badly need to depilate and bleach and was tagged nearly a year ago and never got round to writing my 7 randoms! I WILL do it. One day.

Carah Boden said...

Ps, am also a stone overweight and can't quite get round to shifting it...Buy a Calvin Klein bra and hang the expense. 'You're worth it!' (and they do seem to make something of a saggy C cup. Promise.) x