Tuesday 28 September 2010

We have a pit (literally and metaphorically)

They say that your house is a metaphor for your life. At present the Bonkers House has a very large hole. A yawning pit in fact. This bothers me. Mainly, it must be said, because it’s only a matter of time before someone falls into it, but also because my rather fecund imagination is worrying (terrier style) at the metaphor bit.
What does the pit signify? What am I lacking, what is the gaping hole of my psyche? The pit of despond? Maybe it’s more like a grave? The graveyard of my hopes and ambitions? Or a black hole... The black hole of school fees and, indeed, the paying for all this pit-digging?

Oh for pity’s sake, Jane, get a grip.

Actually, turning it around in a revoltingly positive Louise Hay sort of way, the pit is really the solution. There is something rotten in the House of Bonkers, you see – as in literally rotten, as in smelling distinctly bad (not quite as foul as the stench of fox poo on wet dog, but getting up there). Drains. Not to mention Damp.

We have tried, for the last three years, to pretend it simply isn’t there; to forget we have a front door and a bottom level of the house (home of the Haunted Cellar, the Loo of Doom and the Ludicrously Grand Staircase). If someone does venture to the front entrance, we huff and puff and moan before stomping down the stairs and heaving open the door, accompanied by impressively gothic creaking and groaning (from the door, not me). But the mould has also been bothering me. I watch enough House (as in Hugh Laurie playing grumpy US doctor and - worryingly - being incredibly fanciable) to know that mould can cause any number of seriously weird medical conditions. I am now quite convinced that the mould is to blame for Adrian’s hayfever, James’ cough and my being fat and not getting a book contract. So, long story short, we called in the builders to Fix It – hence the hole.

Thus it is back to making tea and sticking earplugs in so I can’t hear Asbo throwing himself against the window in blind fury at the trespass. It’s back to piles of ‘stuff’ everywhere. It’s back to drills going off the moment the phone rings and I need to have a reasonably professional discussion with someone.

And, of course, it would be this week that I get not one but two bouquets of flowers. Absolutely stunningly gorgeous but (wails quietly) nobody will see them apart from me (Adrian doesn’t count – he simply doesn’t see flowers).  So I will (in my best therapy speak) share them with you.  Now then, interesting this, one was from Paula Pryke and the other was from good old Interflora. Wonder if you can tell which is which?

let's call this one bouquet A (so original)
and let's call this one Bouquet B (because to call it anything else would be simply way too random)


Fran Hill said...

They are amazing flowers. I want some!

Kate said...

Life's too much without a pit in your house. Come back up to Northumberland!! But I like the idea of finding a house-linked reason for a lack of book contract. I've just realised that our understairs cupboard is the reason for mine. At last - an explanation!

Lara said...

goodness, here's me getting frustrated with a half decorated hall/stairs/landing and you're living with that!

Beautiful flowers :)

Cait O'Connor said...

I hope your pit is soon filled and the smell problem resolved, then I am sure all will be well. (excuse pun).
Meanwhile I have bouquet envy, two bouquet envy.

Rob-bear said...

Such a horrid situation. I do who that your "helpers" and "clean up your act" with promptness.

Or that one more bouquet for flowers will ultimately hide the smell.

Frances said...

Jane, each of those bouquets is lovely, and I hope you'll enjoy their visual beauty and also perhaps the scent they give.

The bouquets' scent might give you another sensation to weigh in against that pit of yours.

May that pit of yours get dug out as much as needed, cleared, and filled in with whatever might be required to grant your home a refreshed plane.

(Let me add that your sensatory discomfort has surely given rise to a very interesting post. Do keep writing about everything.)


Alison Cross said...

They are both very beautiful and should cheer you up a bit :-)

We've got odd smells in our house. Ours comes, I think, from the foundations (like a cellar) and is a combo of wet rock, earth and, probably, a decomposing mouse or two.

I just burn a LOT of incense :-)

Ali x

Exmoorjane said...

Fran: Really I had enough to share!

Kate: you are SO right. Nobody needs a pit. Oh god yes, blame that understairs cupboard - they're nasty beasts...vicious.

GG: at last! Someone gets the enormity. Mind you, compared to a couple of years ago, it's a palace!

Cait: hope so (though now it's pouring with rain so won't see hide nor hair of them until it stops, no doubt). Yes, flowers ARE so gorgeous.

Rob: that's the trouble with shop flowers - they never really smell.

Frances: sadly not really scented that strongly (or maybe my poor nose has just given up the ghost)... hugs.xxx

Ali: oh gawd, the smell of dead mouse is beyond disgusting....sympathies.

Northern Snippet said...

Is bouquet B the inter flora?
My house is also a pub-good metaphor or what?
There's a lot of mould and damp in our cellar too I try not to think about it too much..

Exmoorjane said...

Snippet: shall reveal all later on! Would be intrigued to know what makes you guess that way?
Husband is trying very hard to turn our house into a pub - the cellar is full of beer!

Posie said...

Bouquet A is def the interflora one...gorgeous flowers, lucky you.
Sorry about the hole and the pain of having builders in, I absolutely hate it when my 'nest' is disturbed, and it is all the mess and clutter that goes with it too. Loved the idea of the mould causing all of these terrible diseases...such as piling on the pounds...so you are all sorted now lol xx

Chris Stovell said...

Hope life stops being the pits soon - two bouquets seem a good start!

Sessha Batto said...

I'm so so jealous . . .my mouldy pit is still a pit (yet it LOOKS like the builders are here - I'm such a crappy house(non)keeper!!

B is Paula Pryke - the flowers are a bit more exotic (although they're both gorgeous and I'd kill for either)

Exmoorjane said...

Tee hee. Wrong y'all! A is the Paula Pryke one and B is Interflora... Interesting eh?

Milla said...

darn it, you've given it away. Was going to guess the other way round with the proviso that I'd be wrong or else there'd have been no reason to posit it at all.
LOVED the mould to blame for all. Classic.

Wally B said...

We had a backed up septic tank that overflowed into the bathroom on the ground floor this spring. In order to fix it, I had to wriggle into the crawl space under the house which was overflowing with, well, I won't go into too many details, but it took a while to completely remove the smell. All very middle ages.
Love the flowers. Thank you.

Sally Townsend said...

I love it when you get a blog you can totally relate to :)

Westerwitch/Headmistress said...

I did of course fuess the bouquets correctly . . . Oh alright no I didn't. Hope the pit and smell get resolved quickly - been there empathy.

. . . Sigh . . . No Jane mould does not make you fat . . . Much rolling of eyes . . . Talk to Milla about her disgusting success in shedding the pounds and come and join us.

Westerwitch/Headmistress said...

Guess not fuess . . . Blame it on the mould!

Exmoorjane said...

Ah, but I AM losing weight! Five pounds this week (not bad, eh?) and disgustingly healthy eating and walking. Thanks to Mr Pete Cohen and his marvellous programme. Still early days, but for once in my life I'm feeling optimistic.

Northern Snippet said...

Re the bouquet.The mini cabbage was the giveaway,which BTW will be stinking in a couple of days.....

Elizabeth Musgrave said...

I had been going to guess that way round - just because it was mildly surprising! They are fabulous both. We have some mould in the back passage (don't!) which is clearly to blame for my extra weight, and for the fact that OH doesn't want a dog I suspect.

Unknown said...

For once this post makes me glad we bought a 'no storage space' new house.
I actually like both bouquets - does that give away the fact that I dont get them very often myself?

Poor Asbo,do you have dog slavver all over your window too?

Bluestocking Mum said...

Fill the whole house with flowers and you won't notice the pit.
I used to have a house like that. Don't envy you.