Wednesday 23 March 2011

Easy-to-open gussets

So, I’m sitting at my desk literally weeping with laughter. Adrian pokes his head round the corner. ‘You okay? Are you crying?’
I take a deep breath. Except – shit – I forgot, I can’t.
‘I’m fine,’ I gasp. ‘I’m laughing at Twitter.’
‘You sound very odd.’
‘Yeah, well that’s because I can’t breathe properly.’

Let’s retrace our steps a little eh? Got an email from a PR asking if I wanted to check out the Trinny & Susannah range of 'Original Magic Knickers' Remember Trinny and Susannah? The two fashion journalists infamous for kneading women’s breasts on makeover TV? They used to rattle on about ‘Magic Knickers’ all the time.  About the need for the 'right foundation garments' - hmm.  Turns out they have a whole range of the things - if you've got a 'problem area' they have something to squeeze it into submission.

‘Oh, go on then,’ I said. I’ve lost three stone lately and am exercising like a demon but, hey, a bit of extra firming never hurt. I’d tried variations on the ‘magic knicker’ bit before and, frankly, they were a joke. The damn things just rolled down into a thick uncomfortable expensive wodge.

Anyhow, I’d forgotten the whole conversation until yesterday when they arrived. The Magic Tummy Tucker Vest (‘reduces fat rolls and smoothes out the silhouette’) and the All in One Body Shaper (‘creates a slimming effect for buttocks and tummy’).

I was chatting (um, doing business) on Twitter at the time. So, what the heck, I thought I’d try them out live.

They are tight, darn tight. It took me about four minutes to wriggle into the Vest and, once on, I had a moment of total panic. The damn thing was so snug it felt like an iron lung (or how I imagine an iron lung might feel). I was hyperventilating within minutes and going quite light-headed. But after a bit, it actually felt quite nice – sort of like being hugged on an ongoing basis. Okay, that sounds a bit sad and needy, doesn’t it? More pragmatically it was warm. Definite plus.

Onto the Body Shaper. The descriptions for this one had me weeping with laughter all over again.
• ‘Allows you to wear your own bra whilst keeping the breasts in place.’
• ‘Banishes saddlebags and lifts the bottom.’
• And, my favourite....‘Easy-to-open gusset with double flaps that close automatically’

Okay, so now it was sounding like a very strange kind of sex outfit. I told Twitter about it.

@JDRevene: Good lord, now I'm going to have to Google that.

@BigFashionista: Say WHAT!!! Sounds like a plane with bomb doors underneath
@LindaSJones – sounds like heaven
@keatsbabe – but where does all the stuff you push around actually go? It has to ooze out somewhere
@belle_lulu: You have automatic double gusset flaps? You whore! ;)
@BigFashionista: Shudder. Although could be handy with unwanted advances. Get too fresh and it cuts your hand off.
@PolFreeman: Oh the visuals
@vwallop: can you wee in it?
@ElsieAnderton: *unfollows*

I told them that the gusset is a unique concept apparently; ‘created especially for T&S’. See #3 on the image - handily highlighted in red.  They didn’t give a toss.

@JDRevene: do you have a camera?
@belle_lulu: you know what’s coming don’t you? TWITPIC
@milla64: oh come on, get the camera out.
@JDRevene That’s a no on the camera, I take it!

Got it in one, JD!

@PolFreeman: You’re serving drinks? Cool

Okay, so my attempt at serious on-line real-time journalism had descended into a spectator sport - with popcorn. 
@ShoutyDad: Gusset is the most detumescent word in the dictionary. If a woman ever wanted to cool a man's ardour, just whisper it in his ear

Detumescent? Really? I thought I looked quite hot in it actually. I wandered into the kitchen where Adrian was making coffee. ‘What you reckon?’
‘Oh My God.’
‘Oh My God in a good way?’
‘Um, no. No. Just no.’
‘I dunno. It’s like girdles. Your mother’s girdles.’
‘My mother didn’t wear a girdle.’
‘No, not YOUR mother. My mother.’
‘Right.’ So not going there in my imagination. ‘So you’re not into the idea of the easy-to-open gusset with double flaps?’
He shuddered. I swear to God the man shuddered. ‘It’’s.....detumescent.’
That not being a word that tinkles readily off my husband’s lips, I wrinkled my eyes in suspicion. ‘You been following my Twitter feed?’
He looked abashed. ‘Yeah, well.’

So. There you have it. The Body Shaper is not a sexy turn-on (not in this house anyway). What? What? Oh, it’s not meant to be? My bad. Okay, so the serious review.

To answer the questions, no you don’t get bits popping out. Does it ‘pull you in’? Sort of. Put it this way, my leggings are baggier than usual. Is it comfortable? Actually and surprisingly, yes. Though I wouldn’t wear it for yoga. Nor, come to think of it, for a hot date. Yes, it might smooth out your figure but, trust me, you couldn’t shimmy out of this bugger in one sultry move. And, as we’ve already ascertained, the gusset issue is a no-goer. ;)

Original Magic Knickers come in 9 different styles, in a range of colours, starting from £26.
Trinny and Susannah website is down right now but you can buy from Debenhams


Anonymous said...

Oh God.
I saw something like this in the ski shops, but they were intended to maximise performance and so on at sports, as well as supporting muscles.
I have the best sports bra in the world, super s'prt sport jock bra, as reviewed in the Mail about ten years ago. It feels like having two hands supporting the girls at all times. I no longer create sine waves when I run.
Thanks for the giggle.
The word verif is forpayfa, which is ironic.

Big Fashionista said...

I'm still laughing everytime I think of it.
With a little shudder thrown in as well

Exmoorjane said...

Viv: I think I need your sports bra. Well, not your actual one but, hmm, details please. :)

BF: your Twitter comment had me clutch my gusset, I swear. :)

Anonymous said...

That's made my morning!

Exmoorjane said...

Mud: my work here is complete.. :)

Milla said...

so there are no pictures then. Disappointed. I'm imagining a whore's walk, and that if you drop something you have to sort of lie down to pick it up. Close?

Exmoorjane said...

Milla: I wimped out...I thought I looked pretty good actually but A's response kinda killed it. Actually I did try lying down and doing a little bit of light stretching - it's pretty flexible. I dunno - I thought it had distinct possibilities but hey...

Anonymous said...

There ya go.

F said...

I cannot believe you discussed self-sealing gussets without me! I really must insist that next time you are trying out space age undergarments live on Twitter, you give me a little tweep. I could have added SO MUCH to this conversation.

Toby Neal said...


That's all.

Wally B said...

It might help with weight loss too, not just from the decreased volume in the tummy, but from the elastic snap back effect when you reach over the table for that last morsel and your underwear snaps you back in your seat, empty handed.
As for the gusset, they used to have these in ski underwear, called crap flaps. Nuff said

Vicky said...

Have you managed to get it off or have you had to cut yourself free?!!

Expat mum said...

T&S certainly didn't invent those opening gussets; I remember having one of those t-shirt cum knicker contraptions decades ago with one. How else are you supposed to wee?

Exmoorjane said...

Viv: mega thanks!

Frankie: you were SO missed...we NEEDED your,um, input. ;)

Toby: :)

Legend: crap flaps eh? Thank you for sharing. This wouldn't work for that purpose, I fear - definitely doesn't stretch far enough...

Vicky: had to call the fire brigade. Shame eh?

EM: I think it's the 'self-closing' that is new apparently...but really, who knows?

Anonymous said...

Only a man would think that a woman could actually wee (successfully) in one of those contraptions! Although the gussets might come in handy for a 'quickie'-- which is probably the REAL reason they were included in the design! ;) Oops, did I say that out loud?
Thanks for the laugh!

Frances said...

Oh Jane, your post plus the comments have got me laughing out loud. Is this the official review of The Product? Hope so.

And...what is next up for review?

Oh, a couple more questions about The Product. How long after shedding TP does your actual body feel normal again? Did you have some meals while encased?


Anonymous said...

Ye God's! I don't know whether to have a cold shower or throw up....!

Hold the photo for a while.....

banana_the_poet said...

This made me LOL It also reminded me of the many times I had Uh Oh moments with all in one teddies and stretch bodies that have snap close poppers in the gusset.

Easy open gussets are not going to attract me - I want ones that will guarantee to stay shut unless I give em a real solid tug.

Bythe way the word verification has provided me with the combination of letters "mingi" - is it trying to tell me something d'you think?

Posie said...

Hilarious Jane...the mind boggles, thought after boot camp this product would positively hang off you! There must be sooo many funny stories around about this line of under garment. A friend of mine wore one to a wedding last year and was fine until after the meal, at which point she became so uncomfortable she felt she was going to burst, so she hoicked the thingy off and left it behind in the loos....

Toby Neal said...

I wrote a blog on CheapNEasy beauty secrets. I linked to yours. Im not sure its an honor, but I thought I'd let you know you were quoted as the expert on Foundation Garments.

Mrs Worthington said...

This is brilliant - I can't believe you actually managed to get them on. word on warning by having the word gusset in your blog you are going to get a whole load of followers you never knew existed and probably wished they didn't - speaks the voice of expereince

Northern Snippet said...

Yeeks.Maybe these would be less effort than a fitness regime...

K.C. Woolf said...

Toby's post lead me here and I must say: I'm not disappointed. (Hadn't expected to be, either.) :)

Thanks for trying these out; now I won't have to!