Tuesday 7 June 2011

You can't always get what you want

You ever have those times when carrots are dangled in front of your nose and then snatched cruelly, capriciously, away?  Now, I’m not grumbling because really, I have absolutely no right whatsoever… but, but, but…

‘Do you wanna come for a week’s Boot Camp?’ asked Julie. 
‘Shit yeah! Of course I do!  When?’
‘It kicks off this weekend.’
Nooooo. Damn. Damn. Triple damn.  Adrian is off on his travels again next week so I’m left holding the fort.  Ah well, there’s always Zumba tomorrow night. Except – damn and blast again – he’s away then as well.  At which point I’m really wishing James had taken to flexi-boarding.  But, hey, what can you do? 
But then it got even more cruel.  I was whining on Twitter last night about my poor teeth – or rather lack of them.  Now, let’s be clear, in the scheme of things they’re not that bad – people don’t openly flinch when I open my mouth; I don’t get cast as the evil witch for Hallowe’en..except… hmm. 
Anyhow, it’s just that I had this weird thing whereby four of my adult teeth simply never appeared (dentists are always fascinated by that – they get quite excited even and, heck, it takes a lot to get a dentist excited, apart from the flashing of credit cards) so, once the baby ones went mank, there was nothing to take their place.  Hence four gaps. 
Add to that the ones at the front where I bit my mate Mark’s head at Heaven in the 80s and the ones I chipped on nougat and the whole lot really need sorting. In fact I was watching Knight and Day (possibly the worst film I’ve seen since Waterworld) and was just mesmerised by Tom Cruise’s incisors (though maybe they’d been photo-shopped along with the rest of him).  So then I get an email with the title ‘teeth’.  Open it up to find a PR is offering me a consultation with a top dentist. 

‘Well that would be lovely except I know what’s wrong and I can’t afford to get it fixed,’ I said in a self-pitying tone.
‘Well, if you could write about it in the press, he’d probably do it for free.'
What???  Free teeth?  I nearly snapped off the hand that offered except…  Sigh.  It’s about time I got my arse in gear and found a new outlet for my wellbeing writing, it really is.  Not that I’m feeling self-centred or anything…  But…new teeth??
I know this sounds self-indulgent, I’m really aware of it.  But it’s the dangling that gets me.  Now, if nobody had mentioned bootcamps or new teeth, I wouldn’t remotely be sitting here thinking, ‘Darn, hellfire, I wanna go exhaust myself with eight hours exercise a day’ or ‘I must have a gleaming straight white smile’, would I?  Whereas now – see - I’m feeling hard done by.  You ever have that? 

Should I be stoical and say there's a reason?  Or should I listen to Mick and think I might not get what I want but I might get what I need?  Oh feck that.

Soooo, world.  Don’t offer things if you ain’t gonna deliver.  Alright?  It’s plain mean. 

PS: check out Brealy BootCamps  - one place going this weekend.  It didn’t work for me but maybe there is a reason – maybe it's waiting just for you!  Go on...click the link!  ;)


Anonymous said...

You're right, it is plain mean, I could go on about our Tory government and all their broken promises but this isn't the place!!

Isn't Tom Cruise lovely though? Very airbrushed and whitened I'm sure, but still, sigh, lovely.

CJ xx

Milla said...

Disney?? Israel?? Just keep yer trap and don't smile!! Tho if you survived the good ole U S of A without dental deportation am sure you'll gleam in Jerusalem. Is that teeth-ist?? :)

Exmoorjane said...

CJ: see? That's what I mean...there are much MUCH bigger things afoot that are worthy of whining... ah, I am a seriously bad person. :(
And Tom Cruise? Hmm. No. Just no. He's all yours... :)

Mills: Disney was fecking years ago...but yeah, okay, I'll give you Israel... now laughing at image of teeth gleaming in Jerusalem. The Americans were very polite - they just looked away.

Philip Whiteland said...

Tell me about it! I came back from holiday to find a letter from BBC2 asking me to take part in a programme, which it then turns out they filmed on the weekend I returned. Gutted of Derbyshire ;-)

Anonymous said...

I do sometimes suspect God of a rather puckish sense of humour in these things.
I guess it's important to realise that those things were never actually ours; I had a job opportunity in january for a job that had more salary than I ever imagined I'd earn. needless to say, it all fell apart when they withdrew the job while I wa en route for interview. I was gutted. I'd been subconsciously planning my future around it.
I think that's why it hurts so much; it was never real and yet, it was TOO real.
and something better will come along, I promise.

Exmoorjane said...

Phil: Oh, that is gutting... :( If it makes you feel better I once got asked to send a tape to Oprah -and it got lost in the mail (needless to say, I didn't have a backup)...

Viv: Ah, you wise owl you.... :)

Lucy Corrander : Photos said...

I don't know what your teeth look like but they sound much more interesting than the ones in the illustration. You might want some gaps filled but, if ever you do, don't let anyone make them boring.


Jane the Booklady said...

I do know how you feel, it's like picking up a recipe book when dieting and suddenly you really, really want to eat that particular meal, when before, you were doing just fine!
I have to say tho' the thought of actually choosing to do violent exercise and spend extra time in the dentist's chair would only give me the heebie jeebies!

Sessha Batto said...

Look at it this way, at least you GET offers . . .I mean, I get offers, of course, nearly every day someone calls and offers to let me pay my bill and not suffer a turn-off - but I don't get fun offers :(

citybushisland said...

OH MY GOD! the adult teeth thing, me too! i had my milk eye teeth until i was 38, and so now sadly, i have a gap on each side, and there are no dentists here. God knows how much it will cost to have something manufactured in the UK, and that's if they can even do it in the timescale of our flying visit