Monday 18 June 2012

I don't have a clue, I really don't...(Part 7,562)

Gorey understands... 

There are some days when I really truly don’t have a clue. I seriously wonder what on earth I’m doing.  I look in the mirror and wince.  I think about the rest of my life and wonder…why?  Why?  It’s not depression.  At least I don’t think so.  It’s simply a total complete lack of comprehension.  Nothing makes any sense. 

In Greece I had reached a sort of peace.  Before that, I’d tried pushing; tried again and again to make things happen; to prod and poke the universe into some semblance of (what seemed to me to be) order. It hadn’t worked. Just left me exhausted and sad at my failure.  I couldn’t figure out what it was all about.  But in Greece, watching the waves, I kinda got the Zen thing. I was content just to let go, to allow what would be to be. To let life unfold whichever way it so wished.  I decided that there were no choices to be made.  And that was fine.

Yet some days it isn’t fine.  I guess it’s allowable to have bad days.  I just freaking wish I didn’t think so much. Wish I didn't feel so much. 

‘I don’t get it,’ says Adrian frequently.  Not now, exactly (sort of), because he’s not here (he’s in a five star hotel in St Petersburg with a butler…actually this does make me smile). ‘I mean, why d’you think about these things?’ he has said, frequently (and doubtless will say again).   And, come to think of it, given I wrote this some time back but didn't post it until now (?), he isn’t even there now – he’s on his way to Norwich.  Possibly.  Depending on when you read this, of course.

But that’s it, isn’t it?  What?  Where? When?  As everything we think of as real is just energy converted into signals converted into a mental representation of experience?  As time is purely created in the temporal lobe of the brain and is not really objective in any way, shape or…time?  As infinity is about everything happening all at once?  And love?  Simply a response created in the mind by chemical reactions in the brain?  Based on what?  What do we mean by love?  Is it simply a crutch?  A panacea? A story we tell ourselves?

Adrian’s right of course.  Thinking, puzzling, probing…just makes us unhappy. 
‘Why do you put yourself through it?’ he says. 
‘Don’t you ever think about this stuff?’ I say. In wonderment.
‘Nope,’ he says.
I need a head transplant.

Anyhow. Today I walked the dogs up to the hill fort.  And for a few minutes the sun was shining and the world looked very beautiful.  I sat down on a log and drank in green.  And I believed in the moment, in just being, in being conscious, present, connected, in this precise second.  And thought, why wait until I get home to meditate – why not do it here and now?  So I did.  Breathing in green.  Trying not to think about how the world is really colourless and odourless and tasteless.  And it was fine.  Just fine.

And then Asbo bit me.  J


F said...

I think about those things. Somebody has to, I guess. Sometimes being the somebody sucks.

I remember, sometime in my mid twenties, being pea-green jealous of my friends that could go through life without really thinking about things. Get up, go work a shitty job, go home, watch shitty television and drink shitty beer with a better-than-being-alone significant other... and be content with it all. I wanted to be like that so bad. Sometimes I still do, if I think about it too much.

Rachel Selby said...

I love your quotes and the dog cartoon. I can identify with the quotes sometimes.

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Anonymous said...

I think some of us are thinkers and some of us aren't. I'm in the former camp. Of course, being an only child and growing up just with my mum has probably compounded that. Looking back I can see a love of reading and solitary pursuits, riding for hours on my pony making up stories, playing with the dog. All serve towards introspection and Thinking I suppose. Add a degree in philosophy and what have you got: a definite over thinker.

But yes - someone has to!

Rob-bear said...

Being a thinker, the only thought that is entirely clear to me is that sanity is over-rated. Being rather like Mud (above), I think I qualify as an over thinker, too. Only my degree is in theology, not philosophy (though the two are similar, at least some days of the week).

You said you took the dogs up the hill. I was about to ask after ASBO Jack, About whom you rarely speak. But you supplied the information at the end. Brilliantly.

Some things don't change, no matter how much you think about them.

Zoë said...

I so identify with what you wrote and also Adrian's reactions too.

I cant count the conversations I have had with Kevin about how he thinks about things and how different that is to me - he says I think too much.

I am not sure if its the male vsfemale differences, I know males who think to much too. Its certainly not down to astrology making us who we are - K and I are born within days of each other and share Libra as a star sign so you think we would be clones of each other in that respect, but we are chalk and cheese.

I do think its down to personality types though (Briggs Myers as an example) and that makes it harder for us to change the way we behave - it is an integral part of who we are.

I love who you are, as you are, so dont go changing, just BE you x

F said...

I find it incredibly dismissive and insulting when people say, "You think too much," as if there's something wrong with it.

Anne Wareham said...

What's missing for me is why your thinking brings you down. Some of those thinkings are exciting and full of amazement.

All that we don't know, the limitations of our sight, the possibilities...


Tee said...

I am constantly asking questions, of myself, of the universe. Some days it is fine. Most days it is fine.

Other days. Oh, the other days.

Valkrye said...

Hello, Reading this post resonated enormously with me. Your words could be my own . In fact, I have said as much to people I know who understand and can relate to the same. I discovered quite a few years ago that most people who are 'creative types' artists, dancers , writers ect~ are what is known as Highly Sensitive Personalities~ (two excellent books on the subject for both men and women ) It is largely genetic and what it boils down to is an increased awareness, of everything~ both physical and emotional~ We have actually have less filters in place (in our brains) so what might go unnoticed and/or easily dismissed by most others, affects HSP's to a much greater degree. Heightened feelings, and heightened awareness. We are only a small segment of the overall population so quite easy to understand why one often feels you hail from some other planet . Also why we almost always instinctively recognize a fellow HSP and gravitate to them when ever we are fortunate enough to come across them. Being one , you are more likely to suffer from depression and anxiety and need more space or down time from people and outside world as it can be over stimulating ~ Often HSP's are solitary and like their own company and certainly thrive best in pursuits or jobs where you work on your own ~ like writing, art ect. I don't know if this will provide any answers or alleviate your analyzing but might help you to understand a bit about the whys and wherefores. I try to remind myself that even with all the angst that goes with being this way, we also experience the world in a deeper , more profound way~ especially beauty in all forms~ art, music , the natural world ~ We notice and absorb it in deeper way than most non-HSP's~ Hard to find a balance though some days!