In which Rita, Jammy and I spend a day chatting about what I don't want.

‘Mum, you need a new phone.  It’s ridiculous.’  So said James and I couldn’t argue. I mean, who has a phone they can’t use?  I mean, one that can’t be used.  By dint of there being no O2 coverage on Exmoor.

‘But it worked fine in Morocco,’ I said. 

He rolled his eyes and frog-marched me into Carphone Warehouse. Of course, once inside, it transpired that this flurry of filial love wasn’t quite so altruistic – he really wanted a new phone of his own and, seriously, I just gave up the ghost and let him take over.  And it all seemed so easy, so painless, so simple.  This time, I thought, it will all be fine.

I am so stupid.

‘If you want to keep your number you will have to get a PAC code,’ said nice CPW guy. I started, like a gazelle getting a strong whiff of lion across the savannah. ‘No, it’s really easy,’ he said.   ‘You just phone this number and say you want to cancel your contract and ask for a PAC code.’

‘What? Don’t you do that?’

He shook his head smiling.  No doubt thinking:  Oh you stupid, stupid woman. Do we look like total numpties.

And, as always, I was in a hurry and so I just nodded and crammed all the stuff in my bag and took off.

Back home, of course, I realised that this was like one of those fairy-tale tasks, like herding ants or counting grains of rice.  To whit, hopeless.  I couldn’t ring the number on my mobile because (doh!) I don’t get network coverage.  So I figured I’d try online – except that O2 don’t recognise my email (despite managing to inform me how much they’re taking from me each month).  Twitter O2 was on a collective tea break.  So, an hour later I finally managed to find someone to ‘chat’ to.   

Welcome to O2. Someone will be with you soon.

Thank God for that.  So I started typing like a Fury. 

Hold that thought. You're not connected yet.

Oh. *blush* Yes, I blush when not talking to unknown people on the Internet.  

Rita: Hi I'm Rita. How can I help?

Rita? ‘Rita’?  Yeah, that figures.  Like these people use their real names. 

Jane Alexander: Hi Rita, trying to cancel my contract with O2 but can't get through on number given by Carphone Warehouse.  My phone number is blah… Can't do this online as O2 not recognising my username.  Can't do from phone as no signal in this area. So what do you suggest?

Also I'd like to keep this number for my new phone and need a PAC code - is that something you can help with as well?

Rita: Yes.

Jane Alexander: Great. Now what?

Rita: Please stay online while I transfer your chat.

We’re putting you through to the right person, won’t be long.

You're through to 'Jammy'

Jammy? ‘Jammy’? Really? These people have to be bots, don't they? *do quick search and nobody seems quite sure* 

Jammy: Hi, I'm Jammy from Re-contract team. I'll quickly go through your previous discussion and will help you further.

Re-contract??? Eyes narrow.  

Jammy: Hi Jane, thanks for the time. Can I know the deal you are getting with Carphone Warehouse?

Jane Alexander:  Huh? I just want to cancel my contract and get a PAC code

Jammy: If you can help me with the deal you are getting with carephone warehouse. I'll do the price match for you. We do price match with carephone warehouse.

Jane Alexander: No point. No network coverage by O2 here.  Now can we cancel the contract please?

Jammy: Did you share the information with our customer service about the network problem in your area?

Jane Alexander: Jammy, please, you're stalling.  Let's just get on with the cancellation. :)

Jammy: Sure, I am just try to help you find a similar deal with us. Can you confirm me is the new contract use O2 network?

Jane Alexander: No, it does not use O2 network because O2 has no network coverage in my area.

Jammy: Great.

Jane Alexander: Er. Okay.

Jammy: Thanks. Jane, I just want to share one deal with you. Before I go ahead and arrange the PAC for you. I've checked your average usage for past few months and can see that you use 13 minutes, 35 texts and 26 MB of data every month.

Jane Alexander: Er, Jammy?

Jammy: You can go for 24 months £11 tariff with 50 UK minutes, unlimited texts with 100 MB data. I'll add £150 cash back on your account. This credit will cover the cost of your next 12 to 13 months bills approximately and you don't have to pay anything.

Jane Alexander: Jammy?

Jammy: So if you calculate this deal would cost you £4.75 per month. Along with this I'll also give you an option to select any two from Unlimited Land line Calls, Unlimited Weekend Calls, Unlimited O2 to O2 Calls and 200 extra minutes. 

Jane Alexander: JAMMY! 

Jammy: In total you'll get 250 minute along with this you get an option to choice unlimited minutes plus you don't have to pay any bill for the next 12 to 13 months.

Jane Alexander: Jammy. It's too late. I've signed the deal. But I admire your tenacity. :) Also, what's the point 

of having a network I can't use? :)

Jammy: Okay, I help you with the PAC now.

So by now I’m actually weeping with laughter.  Or it might just be weeping.  And he goes through this stuff and finally I say…

Jane Alexander: Okay. So how do I activate the PAC code?

Jammy: You need to call the T-Mobile/Orange service team. They will help you how to activate the code on their network.

At which point I think I’ll cry. For real.