Special K turn me into a billboard

New Year means diets, right?  Well, not for me (I don’t really believe in diets and I really don’t think that this is the best time of year to be launching into starvation mode anyhow) but I know a lot of you are doing the diet thing.  So, get this, apparently if you want to lose weight, you need to cut out the negative ‘fat talk.’

My old friends at Special K have found that women (in particular) are starting off with a mindset destined for failure, slating themselves as ‘fat’, ‘chubby’ or ‘heavy’.  Only a third of women actually start diets  believing they will lose weight and three-quarters of women have daily negative thoughts about their bodies.  Poor bodies. 

Life coach Janet Thomson, who specialises in weight loss, says: ‘What women don’t realise is that this sort of negativity can become a self fulfilling prophecy.’ Spot on, Janet!  Thought is creative.  Keep focusing on being fat and, lo and behold, your mind will instruct your body to do its level best to keep you fat.  Seriously, it’s mind-body interface 101.

So Special K are trying to encourage women to focus on positive feelings when losing weight – pinning down what they will gain, rather than what they will lose.  Sophie Colling from Special K says: ‘The message is clear, the key to weight loss success is having a positive attitude and cutting out the fat talk.’

And, to push home the message, they are inviting people to go and get a makeover at Westfield in London’s Shepherd’s Bush, to think about what you would like to gain if you had the body you’ve always wanted.

So there we were - ten of us bloggers sitting around on the plush red sofas and looking at the words surrounding us.  Freedom. Dazzle. Sparkle. Shine. Energy. Confidence. Oomph.

‘What do you want to gain?’ asked a woman with a clipboard. 

‘Umm.  Money?’ I said hopefully.  ‘A lot of money?’

She frowned slightly.  ‘I’m sorry, I don’t have that on my list.’

‘How about wild success?  A publishing deal?  A Porsche 911? A cabin in the woods?’  She frowned.  ‘Ah, sorry,’ I said. ‘Am I aiming too high? How about a pair of Fly London knee-high boots? A big bag of Jo Malone?  A hair cut? A fringe?’

‘Sorry.’ She shook her head and I perused the list of acceptable words and the acceptable phraseology and got into a long debate about how most of them didn’t fit – grammatically speaking – into the format. 

‘I mean…’ I said.  ‘You can’t say ‘I want to gain sparkle’, can you?  And even if you could, you can’t go anywhere with it. I mean…I want to gain sparkle to what?’

‘You’re a writer, right?’ she said with a sigh.  I shrugged.  ‘Sorry.’

We finally decided that I wanted to gain the freedom to sparkle and shine. I felt a bit like an ad for glittery sanitary towels but never mind.  It was done.  She heaved a sigh of relief and handed me over to Nicoll who was going to fix my hair and makeup. 

‘What do you want me to do?’

‘Whatever you like,’ I said.  ‘You’re the expert.’ Cos, really, what’s the point of telling someone who Knows What They’re Doing what to do? I don’t get that.

‘Right ho,’ said Nicoll. 

A whole flurry of hair spray and backcombing and straightening ensued (yes, more straightening) and when I looked in the mirror I seriously didn’t recognize myself. 

Then came the bit I’d conveniently forgotten about. 

‘Hi, I’m Joel Anderson.  I’ve photographed…’ and he rolled off a list of famous and beautiful people.

‘And now us?’ I piped up from the sofa. ‘What a come down, huh?’

He smiled vaguely with a little frown of confusion.  Anyhow, it was painless and swift, a bit like tooth extraction under general anaesthetic and I thought that was it.  Finished.  We were sitting around chatting and debating what would be the best thing for Jayne to eat at the Thai restaurant given she’d never eaten Thai before, and then up came a shriek. ‘OMG! Look! There’s Alice! Up there!’

Holy shit.  Our pics had been turned into adverts and were being beamed onto those huge shifting billboards.  The girls looked amazing – one and all – absolutely stunning.  Dazzle and sparkle and shine and oomph indeed. 

But it was odd.  I could see it was me but it didn’t look or feel like me.  Not remotely.  Maybe I need to grow into the new sparkly shiny me, eh? 

NOTE:  Today, Monday January 7^th , has been designated as “Gains Day” and Special K are asking women to share their positive feelings on twitter at #IWantToGain and also at www.myspecialk.co.uk – the idea being it will help you focus on the positives and achieve your slimming goals. Go for it! 

Lovely Nicoll usually specialises in makeup and hair for weddings - do check out her website.  www.bynicoll.com 

In which Kellogg's take me to Champneys to eat biscuits

Anyhow.  Yesterday was…curious.  I got up at 5am and drove to the station after about three hours of sleep in a sort of fugue state to catch the early train to London.  It was pretty well empty – hardly surprising when I clocked that the ticket I’d been sent had cost £240 – and no, I wasn’t in first class.  How bonkers is that?  My plane ticket for Greece cost way less than that.

I was going to Champneys, the smart spa in Tring, courtesy of Kellogg’s.  I love Kellogg’s – I seriously do.  Not just because they produce Special K (my total guilty pleasure) – yes, I know, it’s not exactly a cream donut but when you scoff the stuff in industrial qualities it probably ends up amounting to much the same thing. And certainly not because they produce Krave (my son’s total addiction) – hey, even the guys at Kellogg’s have the grace to look a bit abashed about that one. You ever tried it?  Basically chocolates masquerading as breakfast cereal.  

'And so?' says James.

'Whatever,' says I.

Interesting aside – they don’t put MSG in it but apparently Pringles (which are, let’s be honest, stupidly moreish, do contain the stuff – so there you go, that’s why you can’t ever eat just one). Food for thought, huh?  

Be very grateful this is blank...

But no, more than all that, by far, I love Kellogg's because they invite me to lovely pamper days.  The irony is not lost. I am so broke I can’t even afford to get my hair cut.  I can’t even afford to get my disaster of a bush sorted out so now I’m getting ingrown pubic hairs which are threatening to turn septic. Yeah, okay, so that was way too much information. Sorry.  But Kellogg’s, lovely lovely Kellogg’s, plonk me on a killer expensive train and then usher me into a kick-ass Mercedes taxi and then deposit me at this vast pile to be pampered for the day. 

And yeah, I know, you’re muttering into your beards that they hardly do it out of the goodness of their hearts; that they don’t sit there up in Manchester thinking, ‘Poor old Jane. She’s having a seriously crap time right now (and boy, those ingrown hairs are a bugger); let’s organise a pampering press day to cheer up the miserable old cow. How about it, guys?’  Nah.  

For sure, they hope that I’ll write good things about their stuff, that I’ll spread the word through social media and, in my small way, raise brand awareness.  But, as anyone who reads this blog knows; it could backfire horribly.  Let’s just briefly stop a moment and remember the dog food that (allegedly, according to Adrian) nearly killed the SP and ended up costing me an arm, a leg and a perfectly nice sofa. The PR, bless his cottons, had the grace to laugh but did say that it was one he ‘wouldn’t be showing to the client.’

But...whatever...I was very grateful for the invite. Cos not only did they cheer me up with champagne and lunch and steam rooms and massages (of which more anon), but they very thoughtfully arranged for two of my dearest old muckers to be there too.  Alice and Becky were two of the Disney 7, the mad crew with whom I went to Florida back in 2009. Lovely, lovely people. I’d seen Alice at a few odd occasions (hmm, mainly Kellogg’s dos, come to think of it) but I hadn’t seen Becky since we waved goodbye (still cackling) at Gatwick.  And so yesterday we spent a good couple of hours talking – in fact we talked so hard we clean forgot we were in the outdoor Jacuzzi and our whole bodies, not just our fingers, went all weird.  So we cackled a bit in the steam room and then we had smoothies in the café and really, it was lovely.  Cos she’s one of those people that I just feel easy with and, yes, even manage to talk a bit of truth with… (sorry, too many whoms were threatening to overwhom me). 

Anyhow. Somewhere in the middle of all this niceness the Kellogg’s bunch gave us their presentation which was, actually, rather good.  They were launching their first biscuit – aimed at people who are trying to lose weight but keep falling head first into the cookie tin and not emerging until they have munched their way through a whole packet of Hobnobs or whatever and then proceeded to hurl themselves into a broiling cauldron of self-loathing. I’m not big on biscuits so it’s not my particular ‘issue’ but hey… each to their own and this is a smart idea.  These things don’t come in chunking great packets – they come in little self-sealed jobbies that contain two sweet offerings – at 99 calories for the pair. Theory being, having consumed the whole packet, your psyche says ‘job done’ without having scarfed twice your daily calorific load. They’re also designed to be filling – and to taste good.  And yeah, you might think that goes without saying but, seriously, have you tried some of the stuff that's out there?

Okay, so let’s take a look. Biscuit Moments?  Uggghhh!!!!  REVOLTING name. How can you have a biscuit ‘moment’? But, as they pointed out, it’s a helluva lot better than Fibre Plus.  

Hate the packaging – it just screams ‘DIET!!!!!’ (though, come to think of it, that’s probably the point). They look weird – kind of like an anaemic Garibaldi with icing drizzled over.  Let’s take a taste.  Way too sweet for me – there’s a jam filling (strawberry or blueberry) that makes your teeth sing. But, fair play, they are seriously filling – and if you have a sweet tooth, they might be right up your street.  I tested them out on James who absolutely loved them (blithely ignoring the packaging or maybe not realizing it was shouting ‘diet food aimed staunchly at women’). 

His preference was for the blueberry and announced they were ‘just the ticket’ for a mid-cycle snack. In fact, I had to double-check that they really don’t have MSG tucked away in there cos, since writing this, he has eaten his way through three packets (ummm, there’s that theory of mine blown away).  He’s just looked over my shoulder as I was downloading this picture of them and started licking the screen.    

So, thirteen-year old boys love ‘em.  And I suspect a lot of people will. 

‘Couldn’t you do them with chocolate?’ I asked wistfully (and, the words unspoken, ‘And have another launch at another fabby spa?’).

Kellogg’s Sarah tapped her nose.  

‘How about coffee flavoured?’ I sighed hopefully.  Even though I don’t drink coffee (only decaf) I adore anything coffee-flavoured.

‘Oh, I wish,’ she said. ‘But apparently it’s too niche.’

‘Almond?’

‘Ditto.’

Oh come on!  Let’s sex up these damn biscuits!  Lobby Kellogg’s for funkier packaging and some seductive fillings for the blighters! Let’s make ‘em gorgeous – how about vivid pink or neon orange biscuit for  a bit of contrast to those dark chocolate or caramel coffee fillings? How about drizzling a clashing colour of icing over the top?  Make them totally square rather than that boring old brick shape. Put ‘em in silver or gold shiny pouches with DECADENT or TREAT or DROOL stamped on the outside. 

Sorry, just got a bit carried away there.  But really, why not make it all a bit more fun? 

Anyhow, back in the real world, Kellogg’s Special K do this website that aims to help anyone wanting to lose weight. I reviewed it before and still think it’s pretty good.  Check it out here.  Oh, and try (oh GOD that name!!) Biscuit Moments and tell me what you reckon. 

Biscuit Moments available from August 2012 - £1.99 for a pack of five sachets (each containing two biscuits).

My Special K fetish

I’ve been trying to lose weight since I was thirteen. How ridiculous is that? Even when I weighed 119 pounds (I’m 5’ 8”) I thought I was too fat.

I’ve endured the ritual humiliation of WeightWatchers and Slimming World; I’ve detoxed every which way and drunk endless dreary milk shakes. Yeah, they all worked for a bit...but, as we all know, diets simply don’t really work longterm.

Then, weirdly, bizarrely, something just clicked a few months ago. I wish I could tell you exactly what it was, but I can’t quite pinpoint it. Simply put, I stopped wanting to kill myself slowly with food. I gave up booze; I gave up meat. Fast food and ready meals went out the window. I tried to eat chocolate but it made me feel ill.

Okay so, being me, I took it to extremes and for a while I stopped eating altogether. But that little experiment came to an abrupt end when I nearly passed out doing 80 mph down the fast lane of the M5.
I’m marginally more sensible now but, even so, I wouldn’t recommend following my example. What you might want to try, instead, is taking a look at the new Special K website.

Now, let me confess upfront - I have a Special K love affair that is bordering on the fetishistic.  It started back in the 1970s (when my mother was using it for her own round of dieting) and has endured intact to date. Not remotely as a diet food, let me quickly add, but as my late night comfort snack – a vast bowl (none of your berry nonsense, thank you very much - the pure original unadultered flakes), with a sprinkling of  sugar and topped with creamy milk. Do I still want to eat it on my new health kick?  Er, yup.  So, when Kellogg’s invited me to a briefing on the cereal’s new website, I was there before you could say ‘less than 2% fat.’

Last time I looked at Special K’s weight loss plans they were all about cutting out two meals a day and replacing them with cereal, shakes or snack bars.  Yawn.  But now it's all change and the emphasis is firmly on making healthy eating part of everyday life. It’s a far more sensible and realistic approach and I confess I was impressed.

You simply log in your details – weight and height plus your weight goal and your lifestyle – and the site will come up with your ideal plan. So it will be tailor-made, regardless of if you simply want to lose a few pounds so you can fit into your old jeans, or you’re a new mum wanting to shed baby pounds, or an older woman wanting to regain her confidence and her curves.

There’s no sign-up or subscription fees – it’s totally free. I like that. A lot.  I also like some of the other features – the online food diary (research shows keeping track really helps); an emotional tracker (so you can figure out your food triggers); a desktop widget and iPhone/Android apps and (love this) the option to ‘buddy’ other members in your area or with your goals or “issues”. A busy forum is another motivational tool. I’ve hung around a lot of online fora (some would say far too many!) and they really can be hugely supportive. Oh, okay, so some can be pretty repellent but...well.... this one looks nice.  :-)

What’s it missing? I would have liked to have seen a little more focus on self-esteem and some visualisation/self-hypnosis techniques would have been a bonus (like those offered on Pete Cohen’s plan – which, I have to say, does cost).

There are vegetarian options but, to be fully inclusive, it would have been good to have seen vegan diets included and also options for coeliacs and those with other intolerances and allergies.

Still. If you do want to commit to getting yourself to a fit and healthy weight, I think it’s a useful resource.
Just think – if you lost two pounds a week, what would you weigh come summer? Tempting?

A rare recipe (make the most of it!) from the Standard meal plan

Mixed Bean Salad with Rocket, Mozzarella and Tomato
60g  aduki beans, boiled in unsalted water (or tinned)
60g black eyed beans (ditto)
120g butter beans (ditto)
30g rocket
55g sliced mozzarella
Large tomato, sliced or chopped
1 tbs low-fat dressing (I'd be tempted to drizzle a bit of my favourite argan oil instead)

Mix it all up and add an average wholemeal roll. 

Then have some grapes and kiwi fruit for pudd...