On Not Being The One

Something special for you today.  A guest post by someone I love and admire hugely.  I met T.L. Tyson on Authonomy (yes, that place has a lot to answer for!) soon after I joined. In fact, I read her book, Seeking Eleanor and nearly left straight away as I figured I had no hope if all the writing was as good as that.  We’ve been in touch now for, what? Three years?  She’s smart, funny, fun, quick as a whip, heart-tearingly honest and wise.  

I would strongly advise you read her blog, watch her vlog and, if you happen to be an agent or publisher with any sense whatsoever, nab her quick. You can also catch her on Twitter (@TL_Tyson) and Facebook.

Anyhow, I asked if she’d like to write a guest post and this is what she sent me this morning…and it sent a tingle down my spine as, just like always, she has hit the nail on the head..  

On Not Being The One – T.L. Tyson

Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve hated disappointing people. Even now, as an adult, it hurts to let someone down. This isn’t a feeling specific to me. Humans have this tendency to want to please others, especially the ones they care about, and when they don’t feelings of not being good enough surface, often against our will.  

Recently, I’ve been mulling, which is never a good thing, but it’s allowed me to come to terms with not being the one. Oh, no, this isn’t about romance or love or fairytale weddings, this is about expectations and trying to change for others. This is about who we are, and who others want us to be.  

All through growing up, we desperately want to find our identities. In theory, being ourselves is easy. In reality, it’s one of the hardest things to do. Often, we’re encouraged to dress, act and think as individuals, to walk our own paths, as long as it isn’t too extreme.

A lot of us struggle to find who we are, searching through our twenties, even our forties, and, sadly, some of us never figure it out. Still, we keep at it. We put the time, energy, and work into learning to like our reflections. The path can be tedious, but it’s worth it to accept our flaws, our idiosyncrasies, and embrace the person inside us. To love who we are, in order to allow others to love us back. 

Except, sometimes people love us for who we aren’t. For who they think we are.

Let me explain.

People have expectations. Friends, lovers, siblings, mothers, fathers, spouses and even acquaintances all have desires, needs, and dreams, both of themselves and of each other. And, when we don’t live up to their standards, ideals, or hopes, it’s crushing—for both parties. But the truth is, we cannot control how others want us to be.

 In the last year, there have been several instances where people have wanted me to be someone I’m not. Someone who may vaguely resemble me, but who lacks the same morals, thoughts, aspirations, and reacts differently than I do. The hardest part is feeling inadequate, like I’ve mislead them into thinking I might be the girl they longed for, the friend they always wanted, the lover they never thought they’d find. Human nature is a tricky thing. Above everything else, we want someone to get us, understand who we are, and we will do anything to feel that connection, even idealize them.

The most frustrating part is, I’ve done it myself. In the past, I’ve glorified  people and tricked myself into thinking they have qualities they don’t, because it was what I wanted. This is wrong. I don’t want to make someone out to be something they’re not. And I don’t want someone making me out to be something I’m not. It’s okay to have expectations of ourselves, but having them of other people is a dangerous business. It’s a hurtful one.

Earlier this week, I wrote something down on a scrap piece of paper. One sentence that said, “I’m sorry I’m not the girl you wanted me to be.”

They are simple words, but they make me ache, because it hurts to realize you aren’t enough, especially because we spend so much time trying to figure out who we are. It’s gutting when other people simply can’t accept you for you. It’s hard not to take it personally, and even harder to move past.  

The feelings of inadequacy are pointless, though. We need to let go of feeling insufficient because we cannot change to please someone else. It’s better to be ourselves and without, than with someone and pretending to be something we’re not. After brooding over this, I realized there is only one way forward. Acceptance. We need to accept others for who they are, in hopes they will grant us the same luxury. Above all, we need to accept ourselves, and embrace who we aren’t. 

Vulnerability

I never did tell you about the third thing, did I?  And I should, I really should.  Because I feel it’s important.  So, there’s this guy I chat to on Twitter – Keith Jones (@KeithJonesDaman).  We don’t talk a lot but he’s one of those people I just like. He thinks deeply about stuff; he doesn’t just toss out his opinion left, right and centre; he doesn’t do kneejerk.  And he’s not scared of saying what he thinks – he quite often disagrees with me, which is great.  But, then again, he’s equally not scared of looking at something again, with fresh eyes, and coming back and saying ‘Okay, I was wrong.’  And that’s really unusual, don’t you think?

Anyhow, a short time back, he sent me a link asking for my opinion on something or other.  I confess, my mind was elsewhere and I clean forgot to click.  Then, a few days later, it popped into my head and I apologised for not getting back to him and asked him if he could resend it.  He did.  And it was a talk by a woman called Brené Brown entitled The power of vulnerability.

I’d never heard of this woman and I don’t usually like watching clips of speakers but Keith had asked so I listened.  And I laughed because she’s a very good speaker.  And yeah, it chimed with me because she encapsulated a lot of what I’ve been feeling over the last year.

In a nutshell, she researched connection. For six years. She was looking to discover what makes some people feel loved and connected and ‘belonging’ while others feel loss, loneliness and disconnection. 

‘When you ask people about love, they tell you about heartbreak,’ she said. ‘When you ask people about belonging, they'll tell you their most excruciating experiences of being excluded. And when you ask people about connection, the stories they told me were about disconnection.’

So she asked what stopped the majority of people allowing love and connection and she found shame. The fear that if people know the truth about you, they won't feel you're worthy. 'Shame is universal.' insisted Brown. 'The only people who don't experience shame have no capacity for human empathy or connection.’

She talked about the ‘not good enough’ syndrome – not being young enough, thin enough, smart enough, rich enough, beautiful enough. Cue hollow laughter from me. And then she said the cruncher: ‘The thing that underpinned this was excruciating vulnerability, this idea of, in order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen.’ Oh hellfire...how scary is that? 

Yet she found that some people did allow themselves to be seen; they did allow love and belonging to flow through them. And so she asked those with ‘the knack’ how they did it.  And found they felt they were worthy of love and belonging. Hmm. Kinda obvious really. Good self-esteem?  But not just that. She analysed it further, broke it down smaller and found that they shared other characteristics.

-       

              They had  courage. The courage to be imperfect.

       They had compassion – first to themselves and then to other people.

       They were authentic – willing to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they were.

       They embraced vulnerability. Totally.

‘They talked about the willingness to say, "I love you" first,’ said Brown. ‘The willingness to do something where there are no guarantees, the willingness to breathe through waiting for the doctor to call after your mammogram. They're willing to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out. They thought this was fundamental.’

They didn’t find being vulnerable comfortable – it isn’t. Yet they didn’t find it excruciating (as those who felt shame did). They just found it was necessary. And I agree, though I battle with it.

And Brown went on to say that, when we fear vulnerability, we numb ourselves.  In one way or another – with alcohol, food, drugs, spending, television, gaming, work, whatever.  And the problem is you can’t selectively numb emotions – so if you numb out fear and shame and grief and vulnerability; you also numb out joy and love and gratitude and happiness.

And she made another point which chimed:  when we feel uncertain and vulnerable, we seek to make everything that is uncertain certain. Religion. Politics. I’m right; you’re wrong. Shut up. ‘Religion has gone from a belief in faith and mystery to certainty,’ she says. ‘In politics, there's no discourse anymore. There's no conversation. There's just blame.’

So. What’s the answer. This is what Brown says:

‘This is what I have found: to let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen; to love with our whole hearts, even though there's no guarantee… To practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror, when we're wondering, "Can I love you this much? Can I believe in this this passionately? Can I be this fierce about this?" just to be able to stop and, instead of catastrophizing what might happen, to say, "I'm just so grateful, because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive."

And, you know, I agree with that. I’ve spent the majority of my life being petrified of vulnerability. I have always made damn sure I let nobody come close enough to hurt me.  Of course, having a child blows that clean out the water and I’m pretty sure that’s why I had such a tough time as a new mother.  But I figure now, at this stage in my life, it’s time to dump the fear and the shame.  And just be.  I am what I am. This is it.  It's hard; damn hard. But I'm trying. Because she's right, if you feel vulnerable, you do feel alive. If you close yourself off, if you numb yourself, you're halfway dead. 

If you want to listen to the whole talk, you can check it out here.