A floating cosmic cloud of vagueness

‘Mum,’ said James, as we were driving along the valley road. ‘You know how I often know what’s coming? Which colour cars will come next, and how many?’
‘Yes.’
‘Well, I think I could develop that. I think I could train it.’
‘Yes.’
‘Because we only use a tiny part of our brains, don’t we? And so much of this stuff that we think is spooky or weird or psychic is probably just stuff we haven’t figured out yet.’
‘YES!’
‘Yes?’
‘Sure. Well, it makes perfect sense to me. After all, what is time? It’s not necessarily linear. It could loop and you could just be seeing round the bend. And anyhow, time is just another dimension.’
That’s what I thought. And, Mum?
‘Yes.’
‘You know we see three dimensions? But what if there were, like, seven, eight or a hundred dimensions?’
‘OH YESSSSS.’
‘And then all this – is just the tiniest fraction of the whole. Like a three dimensional object appearing in a two-dimensional world.’
‘And, of course, none of this is as it appears anyhow. It’s all just energy moving at different frequencies.’

‘Okay, STOP it, you two,’ Adrian butted in irritably. ‘I don’t want to think about this kind of thing. It freaks me out.’
‘But it’s amazing. It’s wonderful.’
‘It’s frightening. This is a car – don't  you dare try to convince me it’s just a jumble of nothingness.’
‘But…’
‘No. It’s like when you say that you are always thinking about infinity. It’s no wonder you don’t sleep. See, I never do that. I don’t want to.’
‘Well that’s fine. It’s your choice.'
‘Mum?’
‘Mmm?’
‘Which is your favourite science? It’s physics, isn’t it?’
‘I guess. But I’m interested in all of them.’
‘You’re such a geek.’
‘I wish. I don’t understand it, not on an intellectual level. But I quite like not understanding it entirely as it’s changing all the time anyhow; so you can’t really know it anyway.’
‘What’s your favourite section of physics? It’s particle stuff, isn’t it?’

‘Yeah, I love the connections. The way you can shoot out into the depths of space and then come whooshing right in, smaller and smaller and tinier and tinier until you’re into quarks...’
‘And electrons, and neutrons...’
‘And photons.’

‘La la la…. I’ll stick to history.’ Guess who?
‘And then science and spirituality meet. I’ll have to show you this clip I found on YouTube. It’s unbelievably beautiful and really rather comforting.’

‘You’re changing,’ said Adrian. ‘Or rather you’re going back. When I met you, you were always talking about physics and magic; you listened to music all the time and you were spooky and more than a bit scary.’
‘I was?’
‘You were. And now you’re getting it back. You look younger too, about ten years younger.’
I do?

Actually, I think I do. I’ve stopped giving up. Instead I’ve given in. I’ve discovered life again. Maybe I’m finding me again, a real me (as real as any of us can get). Certainly not the me who tried to fit in. And, oh how hard I tried so hard to fit the labels – wife and mother, sensible journalist and author, grown up. But it never really worked. I often wondered why I couldn’t get things right – why I never really made a decent career out of my books, for example; why I could never squeeze this blog into a neat little slot.

Someone told me I was a ‘health writer’ and I tried to fit into that role, while getting bored sick of writing about health. Someone said I was a ‘mummy blogger’ (because I am a mother?) but that never rang true. And you know what? It’s because I can’t squeeze all of me into one role. I don’t seem capable of focussing on one aspect of life. I splurge all over the place. I have a flibberty-gibbet mind – it’s why I used to love journalism. It gave me permission to research loads of totally different subjects. I know little bits about loads of stuff – but don’t really know anything in depth. I’m amorphous, a floating cosmic cloud of utter vagueness.

The more I think about it, the more I think I need several different personae. I need a few more dimensions while I’m at it too.


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