Saturday 4 December 2010

The Soul Puppy gets hormonal

The soul puppy hasn’t been quite so, well, soulful of late. He’s had other things on his mind. I suppose you could say he’s hit puberty with a bang (to coin a phrase) and anything that moves is fair game. He’s been humping the cushions, humping soft toys, humping any stray leg that stays still long enough. He humped the postman, humped the delivery guy and humped the strange man who appeared at the back door trying to sell timeshares in Bulgaria.
‘You want to get him done,’ said the strange man, shaking a leg with a look of deep disapproval. ‘That’s not right, that isn’t.’
I stifled the urge to say that pitching up on my doorstep in the dark waving brochures of unbuilt apartment blocks wasn’t quite right either. Instead I detached the SP and shut the door.
Needless to say, he didn’t try it on with Abso. Even with rampaging hormones and (I should add) unfeasibly large testicles for such a small dog, he had some sense. Still, he was the Soul Puppy no more – he was officially the Shag Puppy and it was getting a bit irritating.
Then some friends from London came to stay with their venerable 11-year old dog, Captain. Captain is a dog of indeterminate breed and unsteady self-esteem. ‘If he thinks another dog is more attractive than him, he’ll ignore it,’ said Pete. ‘It’s true,’ said Liz, nodding sagely.
Poor Captain. Ignoring really wasn’t ever a viable option. The SP launched himself upon him and a weekend of endless dry humping ensued. On...

and on....

and on....

and on.

The whiff of pheromones must have been so strong that, in the end, even Asbo got sucked in (no, honestly, no literal sucking involved).

‘It’s like watching endless gay dog porn movies,’ said Liz. Poor Captain. The floor was littered with clumps of his hair. He had a slightly dazed look. If he’d ever thought he was unattractive, that thought had been well and truly trounced.
But, it was agreed, something Had To Be Done. A quick call to the vet and his fate was sealed.

‘Nooo,’ wailed my brother down the phone. ‘You can’t do that. Poor puppy.’ What is it with men and dogs’ testicles? Transference?
‘At least get him some neuticles.’
Some whaticles? Seems you can get testicular implants for dogs. Honestly. Well, maybe in America, maybe even in London, but I could just imagine the look on our vet’s face if we even suggested it.
Anyhow, the deed is done. The SP (hopefully restored to Soul) is feeling somewhat sorry for himself and requires extra cuddles and treats. Only time will tell if it’s done the trick. Meanwhile Captain is safely back home, still somewhat traumatised by his Exmoor experience. We hear he may be undergoing counselling.

As you know, life is tough at the Bonkers House right now and you can do your bit by taking two minutes to help me out. If you click at the link at the end of this post it will take you through to the Next site (full of rather nice things actually). You won’t have to sign up; you don’t have to buy anything; you won’t be added to mailing lists – but the more clicks I get, the more chance I have of getting some vouchers (sadly they don’t do Next neuticles). So please, please click the link.
Btw, if you’re reading this on Facebook, I’d really appreciate it if you could bear to go to my main blog site ( and click from there (as clicks from Facebook don’t count).

Here’s the LINK.


Yvonne Johnston (Whyjay99) said...

Don't like to worry you Jane but my dog was 'done' at 18 months following one too many escapes into the field next door at the end of which the farmer's collie bitches were kennelled. Afterwards he did, on several occasions, try to hump other dogs. I suspect it was more of a 'I used to like doing this but can no longer remember why' thing.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious post. My OH needed extra cuddles after he was DONE!

walter and me said...

Oh this has made me weak with laughter! My last retriever used to give himself blow jobs (seriously)...enough said. Maybe you've got off lightly!!

Exmoorjane said...

Yvonne: Yeah, it didn't make that much difference to our old boxer either...but one tries... *sigh*

Greenie: LOL!!

Pebbledash: ooh,lovely to see you here (note to self: MUST catch up with your lovely blog). Absolute ROFL re the retriever.

Maggie Christie said...

Clicked once for each member of the family and twice for the SP for making me laugh so much.
Poor Captain. My Himalayan guinea pig can sympathise. He gets the same expression when the hormones are surging in his male housemate.
My dog has been done and has had no more thoughts about sex since, so (for Captain's sake) I hope it has the same effect on the SP!
PS The Bulgarian timeshare chap got no more than he deserved. Go SP!

Frances said...

Jane, you do tell a tale well!

I've clicked Next for you, and will be happy to do so again soon.

I love that colorful header picture ... everyone seems to be full of joy. Have to admit I liked the prior puddle splashing photo, too.

Best wishes...most of those books in my bookshelf photo were art technique books. Mixed up with Madame Bovary, Trout Fishing in America, Statistical Methods, Shakespeare:Modern Essays in Criticism and A History of Economic Ideas. Random shelving!


Unknown said...

Oh dear. I used to have dogs but now have two bitches and I have to say I don't miss the 'lipstick', or the humping or indeed the 'dick splash' as hubby called it all over the walls.
Good Luck
Have clicked to Next for you too.

Lickedspoon said...

Bloody hell, I bet poor Captain has never been more grateful to return to the warm embrace on N16 after the hurly burly of the SP's attentions. He does look like a darling, despite his bad manners.
PS Am quite in love with your header picture. Happy-making.

The bike shed said...

Dogs are much happier without them - note this advice only applies to dogs!

Nic's Notebook said...

Lol clicked your link!! Poor Soul (Shag) puppy, hope he is "cured" now. Those pics are so funny!

Cait O'Connor said...

This is so funny Jane!

Eliza said...

Funny :-) but maybe not for poor Captain!

Exmoorjane said...

Mags - thank you! Now snorting at the poor guinea pig.

Frances: I know, Ilove that old pic too but figured I should be festive (trying hard here to get into the mood). Huge thanks for letting me know your bookshelf contents. :)

IO: you know, I had never heard the term 'lipstick' until last weekend. How innocent am I?! Huge thanks for the clicks.

Licked: yup, the inner city is a positive refuge after the sex-crazed countryside!

Mark: I dunno.... ;)

Nic: Yup, they make me laugh too. Every time. Thank you!

Cait: lovely to see you here... ((hugs))

Eliza: think poor Captain is still in shock... :)

CAMILLA said...

Hello Jane,

Terribly funny, really laugh out loud, but do hope little darling Soul Puppy is alright, sending lots of cuddles for him, the cheeky boy.!

Think that Captain is still getting over it, Captain I thought looked a little like my Llaso Apso/Terrier - Robbie Boy.