Wednesday 9 February 2011

Sorry for myself blog plus a heartfelt thank-you

Why do I wake at 2.30am precisely, nearly every night? Why? Last night I just lay there and hurt. It felt like something malevolent were scraping my bones. I tried meditating; tried amplifying the pain to find out what it meant but it wasn’t playing ball. It just settled in my hips and started screaming. So I switched channels; tried listening instead and all I could hear was the clock ticking louder and louder: time crashing in. And then an unsettling arrhythmic scrape from somewhere in the room. Scrape. Then nothing. Then a couple of scrapes. And so on. It bothered me. Okay, I’ll be honest, it scared me the way strange things can sometimes do in the dark of night.

The SP started to shift and I figured he needed to go out but no. He just moved himself so he lay right along my hip, as if to warm it, to heal it. Dear little dog.

When the light came it was measly, half-hearted, as if really it couldn’t be arsed. Grey, overcast, gloomy. And today I am trammelled, constrained, held in the grey no-man’s land. I am waiting for a delivery that needs a signature so cannot take the SP for a long walk; cannot go to the gym. My parcel is going to be delivered by Hermes apparently which, I confess, did bring a smile to my face. The image of a glowing Greek god with winged sandals knocking on my door was rather delicious, if madly incongruous.

Anyhow. I checked good old Louise Hay over breakfast – well, James’ breakfast. I had a glass of pomegranate juice in good Persephone fashion. She says that hip problems are ‘fear of going forward in major decisions’. Okaaay. She also reckons that perfect balance is an issue. Hmm, can’t argue with her on that. Apparently I should be affirming ‘Hip Hip Hooray – there is joy in every day’. Well, Louise, love - sorry, but today you can shove that little thought where the sun don’t shine.

But I did think about the balance bit. As always, I’ve gone a bit extreme again. First the food (or no food) thing; now exercise. No wonder my poor body is in shock. Maybe it’s a good thing that I can’t race out and pummel it again today. So I did my Tibetan exercises which get pretty well most muscles but aren’t harsh or cruel. And then I thought about what Lulu had said about the laundry room being a bit iffy and needing a good smudging. So I whipped off my furry boots and socks and lit up a smudge stick and gave myself a good going over and then smudged the laundry which is, indeed a pit and a total feng shui nightmare. The SP followed me, looking approving, so I carried on and, before I knew it, I’d done pretty much the whole house. He nudged the door down to the Staircase of Darkest Despond.

‘Are you sure?’
He nudged it again. So we went down, my feet rapidly turning into small iceblocks, and threw smoke all down the SoDD. Opened the door to the Siberian freezer aka the Loo of Doom and gave it a blast. Then took a deep breath and walked briskly into the Cellar of Despair. Whoah! This place really could feature in a Poe short story. So I gave that a bit of a whoosh and retreated. By now the entire house was swathed in smoke (and I'd burned a series of small holes in my sweater) so I just hoped Hermes wouldn't choose that particular moment to flutter in. 

Looked in the mirror and thought my mascara had also been smudged before I realised I didn’t have any on and it was just huge blue-black circles round my eyes. Had a good cathartic sob. Got some damn good advice from some damn good friends. Pressed a few acupressure points.  Sobbed again. Got angry with myself for being pathetic and faintly ridiculous. Will I ever fecking grow up?

those aren't my fingers, btw

Then Hermes arrived, not fluttering, more plodding:  stout, unwinged but with the sweetest smile. And my iPod is SO small. How can something so tiny have been so expensive? Now I sound like my mother. Anyhow...I am not going to download any music today because this iPod is supposed to life my mood, to soothe my tattered soul. I already have plenty of Leonard Cohen and Joni Mitchell and SoulSavers and Nick Drake and Ray Lamontagne and Mark Lanegan and Jeff Buckley and their ilk. I need uplifting, purposeful, inspiring. Suggestions?

PS – I owe the iPod to you, dear readers. Remember that Next campaign before Christmas? The one where I asked, cajoled, begged you to click the little icon? Well, get this – you done good, so so so good, because this blog won. Yup, came top out of the 100 that took part. And so I snaffled a shitload of Next vouchers.

What have I bought? Okay, don’t laugh – this part is really sad. Did I buy a whole new wardrobe? No. I’ve ordered a washing machine (one which hopefully won’t make clothes smell of public lavatories); three bedside lamps (so we don’t have to risk electrocution every night); two BRIGHT PINK (don’t ask – they flirted) bath sheets (when Lulu came to stay she remarked that every single towel in the house has some form of branding on it!).
And then my hand wavered over the PSP (James’ went kaput ages back). My finger was ready to click; it really was. But then I saw the magic word iPod and for the first time ever I gave in to total wanton selfishness.
Please God, don’t let James see this post.


Unknown said...

I think you are my sort of Devon twin, except you know about mystical exercises. I wake at 2:30 as well, with aches, pains, worries, stress. My house is bona fide haunted, I'm totally convinced and black moods follow me around. I should be living a Victorianesque dream, I just need a corset. I hope you get some sleep soon.
Well done on the Next campaign, that sounds fab. I did ok, and I got myself some clothes including the first pair of socks I have bought myself in 15 years. the joy of blogging!

Milla said...

Lovely post, Janey. You are utterly bonkers but I do love you!! My witching hour is 4am. Dreg end of the day that way with zilcho goi g for it but the drumming in of fear and a settling of bleak desperation. Makes it almost pleasant when the alarm goes off.
It wasn't meant to be like this was it?
Love all your new toys by the way

Eliza said...

Enjoy your iPod and take the puppy out for a long walk. Hope you feel better soon, I so know the feeling.

Eliza said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sessha Batto said...

It's 3:33am here - every single day :( This morning with the added joy of Kate the cat devouring a mouse EXACTLY where my feet land when getting out of bed! As for being totally selfish . . . well, I'm occasionally guilty of that too and you know what, it's okay! Mothers need to remember that they don't stop living when they have children, it's far too easy to do for them and ignore ourselves. The occasional treat for us doesn't hurt them, when we're happier, they're happier (or so I try to convince myself as I gaze on the gigantic sword rack the poor delivery man dragged through the snow piles and across the ice flows, up the broken stairs and onto the back deck!!)

You did make me realize I haven't smudged this old hovel in at least ten years - guess I know what I'll be doing after I drop Lurch off at school ;)

In short - you are NOT alone, my dear. Chin up, this, too, shall pass.

Mrs Jones said...

When I wake in the small hours I force myself not to look at the clock because, otherwise, I'll be waking at that exact same time for the next few days.

You wanted suggestions for happy music? Lemon Jelly are good, and I think this is the happiest tune & video I've ever seen in my life - Lemon Jelly 'Nice Weather for Ducks'. It literally makes me cry with joy every time I see it, especially from 2:41 on:

Milla said...

A washing machine IS selfish, but live with it.

Exmoorjane said...

Zoo: yeah, well I think we started establishing that at The Sanctuary! Can we pass on the corsets? I know i'm tough on myself but that's a stay too far...
What do you MEAN you haven't bought socks in 15 years? Huh? You don't wear them? Or (maybe we AREN'T twins) you MAKE them?

Milla: 4am is apparently traditional depression wake-up time... :(

Eliza: thank you. :)

Sessh: ah, thank you, my lovely sword-wielding friend. Now that image DOES make me smile so much.

Mrs J: Well, the name is smiley for starters - will check that out, thank you!

Milla: you are fecking KIDDING me, right? How is a washing machine selfish? The current one is 20 years old and leaves trails of slime over things... this is a HOUSEHOLD purchase of monumental boredom. As are the blimming towels and boring shitty lights... *shakes head*

The Return of the Native ... sort of. said...

No way are washing machines selfish. They are a complete and total necessity unless you employ under aged children to hand wash your clothes in the garage ...!

Joanne said...

But you do make me feel as if it's ok to be my own bonkers self, and that it's not necessary to become ordinary.

My witching hours are 2.30 and 4. Would love to have a full nights sleep. It's my elbows that ache lately - can Louise fix those? I'd be terribly happy if it was a sign that I was coming into buckets of cash by the weekend.

Unknown said...

Uplifting music suggestions:

Bedouin Soundclash
Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly.
Florence and the Machine

That's the kind of stuff I listen to when I need to buck up. :)


Frances said...

Jane, I am so glad that you won those vouchers! Hoping that some of my clicks from overseas helped get you the washing machine and i pod, etc.

It's been decades since I had a washing machine of my own. What a true convenience it was.

Please let me know how you do get on with the i pod. (Confessing I never even had a Sony Walkman, and that I usually sort of provide my own music, singing mostly inside my head, but think it might be time to embrace a little bit more of contemporary life.)


Posie said...

Well done on winning the vouchers, can't say I have washing machine envy though, but the ipod looks fabby. Hope you get a better nights sleep, and if James reads the blog just point out how necessary that little ipod is as when you can't sleep and feel like tossing and turning, some soothing music can help you drift off without disturbing really totally not selfish but very thoughtful haha

Exmoorjane said...

RotN: thank you! PRECISELY. Hope Milla reads this...

Joanne: Okay, this is what Louise says about elbows. Ooh - changing directions and accepting new experiences! Nice. Your affirmation is: 'I easily flow with new experiences, with new directions and new changes.'
Swap ya!

Justin: thank you! Only know F and the M - will check out the other two.

Frances: bless you, I'm sure your transatlantic clicks helped! Hmm, you know what? Even if I never use my iPod, I will just stroke's SO cute.

Posie: I like your logic! Great reasoning. :)

MichelleTwinMum said...

I hope you get a fab nights sleep tonight! Well done on the Next competition and good for you buying the iPod.

Mich x

Milla said...

Oh wake up Mrs Dippy. Although, actually, mrs Jones' comment slid in between the one I was reacting to (which rather diminished its "wit") where someone, a nice person, was reassuring you about being selfish vis a vis the iPod and I just chose to make it that you were being selfish about the washing machine bwhatvone might call a joke. Clearly back fired. Shuffles off glumly.

Michele Brenton aka banana_the_poet said...

You prolly already know this tip - but just in case you don't - pomegranate juice.

Drink a glass at bedtime.

When I get troubled nights I do that and it works! Something to do with melatonin levels I think. I only drink a half glass diluted because I tend to get BIG reactions to things - like coffee makes me behave like most people do after taking the white nose powder!

Hooray for the Next vouchers - enjoy your gadget you deserve a treat. XX

Helen@RegardsRainbow said...

Uplifting music selection idea.... Carly Simon - Let the River Run (from Working Girl)

Bluestocking Mum said...

Well deserved win of vouchers. Enjoy the Ipod. Music is great therapy. Perhaps that's my trouble, I spend most days in silence ;)

I've long had similar sleep problems so great sympathy.
Like Milla, mine is usually 4ish. Although I'm currently going through a stage of not being able to nod off at all. As a result next day I feel like poo.

Like today.


Taz said...

My ipod sees me through many a dark day so good for you for treating yourself ;)

CAMILLA said...

Good for you Jane for treating yourself, we all need a little lift now and again. I bought myself a new coat from Dickens and Jones at Christmas, eeek.... big bucks, don't care, was feeling rubbish at the time.

Hop on the perch for a natter Jane at night, I am an owl and we could talk into the small wee hours.!