Friday 2 December 2011

Love and shit

Yesterday was a strange day. You ever have those days when you keep trying to convince yourself that everything is fine, that all the crap is just in your head (which, of course is it)?  But then the crap just keeps throwing itself at you – quite literally.  That was yesterday. My boy was home sick (literally) again. The phone kept ringing. The doorbell kept ringing. I kept having to race out into town and then come back to find I’d missed deliveries, missed calls, missed people.  It was a missing day.  And then my brother phoned, from the US, and we hadn’t spoken for ages – and he always phones me from his cell-phone as he drives the highway, pausing every so often to pay a toll. Only yesterday, we’d been on the phone for all of five minutes when the SP came in, looked at me and vomited shit at my feet. 
‘Call me back, Chris,’ I said. ‘Give me ten minutes.’ So he did and I cleaned it up and then he phoned again and then James called, ‘He’s done it again!’ so I sighed and Chris said ‘I’ll give you fifteen.’ And I cleaned up a small dog’s bodyweight in crap.  And then he phoned again and we talked again and he said, ‘How’s work?’ And I laughed.  And he said, ‘So what are you doing?’ So I said ‘Meditating mainly.’ And he didn’t laugh but sounded wistful. ‘I should be doing that,’ he said. ‘And I will. When I have time.’ Which made me sad.
And yesterday I saw a lot of sadness, a lot of pain. I heard a lot of pain. I felt a lot of pain. And, FFS, a dog bit a man in the face in the pub.
And I wasn’t going to blog today.  But here I am.  Because today is a new day. Fresh start. Capital letter.  And I woke up with a song in my head and a feeling that I needed to write this here and now.
Round we go, round and round. Life isn’t a line. It isn’t even a circle. It’s a labyrinth, a many-dimensional labyrinth. The paths bend and turn back on themselves all the time. And you think you’ve learned a lesson only to realise that it’s there, to be learned again, on a different level, in a different way. The Kabbalists say that there are four worlds; that there are trees within trees, overlapping, overlying.
Nothing is ever simple. Every time you think, ‘Aha! That’s it!’, the it changes. J
Of course it does. Life is change. Nothing stays the same. 
Except. Except.
One thing is very simple.
One thing never changes.
One thing remains.
Unconditional, eternal Love.
Yes, really.
Beyond all grief, all suffering, all surface flurry and drama and angst.  Love.
That is what lies at the heart of the Labyrinth of Light. Glowing, pulsing, a steady beating heart that never stops.  And, every so often, it explodes into blinding pure Light. That connects you to Everything.
And then there is no loss, no pain, no separation.
Have you felt it?  If so, you won’t need my puny words to understand.
If you haven’t, you will just have to trust me. It is there.
Yes, yes, you’re saying. (I can hear you, you know.) You say, we all know love – for friends, for family, for lovers, for animals, for Nature, for money, for whatever. Yeah yeah...
But. Love?
Transcendent and imminent at the same time?  That, above all else, is what I’ve learned in the Labyrinth, in this last year. That is, at heart, the One Thing (for me).
And I can sense you (some of you) going, ‘Ick.’ Soft and woolly, fluffy unicorns and rainbow dolphins. New Age, vapid meaningless words. ‘Love you.’ ‘Love you too.’ 'Love you more.' Lovey lovely.
No.  Hell no.
Love is awesome. Love blows your socks off. Love is bloody smite me sideways with a whacking great sword into seven shades of eternity. There is nothing remotely fluffy unicorn about it.
I’ve written about it before, of course. And doubtless I will again. Because that’s what happens, you walk down the same path many times.
If you did a word cloud of Marek’s books I’m willing to bet the biggest word would be LOVE.  Why?  This, from one of his Authonomy threads…
‘When you feel Unconditional Love, you want everybody else to feel it. And when you see that they don’t bother, too busy abusing their surface minds, you cannot be absolutely happy. Unless you’re a dogged egoist.’
Ah. So much to say. Nothing to say.
It’s Advent. The run-up to Christ Mass. Hmm, come to think of it, a good time to read Pro Vocation. A ‘serious joke’. I wonder when my copy will arrive? :)


Fennie said...

Hallo Jane - just dropped by to say hello - life goes on, eh? Helter-welter. Crazy, but fun. And so many people have it so much worse. On this side of the Channel the sun is shining.

Exmoorjane said...

@Fennie!! Ah, thank you - your sun has just arrived. :)

Zoë said...

Things I learnt from you today:

1. DON'T have a dog!

2. Love is transforming.


Alison Cross said...

Is dog ok - was it literally crap that he was vomiting - some dogs do eat it.

I do try the mettabhavana style of meditation where you begin feeling the warm fluffies for the people that you really love and practice holding those feelings on a progressively 'distant' set of people until you find you can hold the warm fluffies for those that you'd quite like to drown in a water butt.

As you can imagine, I struggle with it :-D

Must discover more about this Labyrinth......

Ali x

Rachel Selby said...

It's that dog thing again that I find so hard to understand. The labyrinth - phts easy! Dogs - Wtf?

Dump Him Love said...

lol the dog thing I get it's the Labyrinth I keep getting lost in! :) x

KeithjonesDaman said...

I just read Lighthousekeeping by Jeanette Winterson. Did you teach her how to write?

Tee said...

Love is the word. It heals. It pulls us through. It is a flicker of light when the darkness is suffocating. We need to keep an eye on it, not lose sight of it, because without it, there is no point.

Love is the skeleton key to life. It unlocks the traps that fall shut on us when we aren't paying attention.

susie @newdaynewlesson said...

Hugs and glad you are writing.

Cait O'Connor said...

You are right of course Jane - (universal)love is the only thing that matters. It is like a vast ocean with waves of blue (that's how I imagine it when I am feeling pain or worry).

F said...


Is so NOT my thing.


My dog was never a puker. (Only when he was well and truly ill at the end.) My cat, however, pukes if you look at her funny.

Hope dog and son are both doing better.

Anonymous said...

Pole ease note, oddly enough (knot really), 'One Thing' was the original title of 'Symphonic Bridges'. :o)

Anonymous said...

Plus, if you still divide people into those you love and those you don't, you're just a little doggy. Wagging your tail or puking accordingly. :o)

Exmoorjane said...

Aagh, sorry, have been a bit White Rabbitish this weekend. Have a dear friend staying and so haven't had time to check back on comments...
but thank you all so much.

Exmoorjane said...

@Zoe - those are two seriously good lessons, huh?? :) xxxxx

@Ali - Yup, the SP is a dog angel most of the time but, like all beings, has a dark side which occasionally manifests (in his case, he eats shit and vomits it up!).
Ah, that meditation sounds like Tonglen...I do that too. In fact, gonna do a post on it at some point.

Exmoorjane said...

@Rachel... *grin*

@Babs... *grin*

Exmoorjane said...

@Keith... I haven't read it so I couldn't possibly comment. :)

@Tee - you should write, you know. ;) You have a beautiful way with words. You Know. :)

@Susie - *smile*

Exmoorjane said...

@Frankie - I think you might be surprised. I find a whole lotta love in your writing and your being. :)

@Ma.Ste. - Not One Thingy? :)
(like in Angus Wilson, Anglo-Saxon Attitudes?)

And yes, there is no division in Love. And, off course, Love/Hate; Hot/Cold; Wagging/Puking eh? :)

Exmoorjane said...

@Cait - aagh, missed you out - how could I miss you out? I knew you'd get this. :) And I do miss you. :)

Tee said...

I was thinking about taking up writing. Thank you for your support, Jane. I think I'll give it a go! :)

Kellie Kamryn said...

Great post! I love your definitions of love :)

Milla said...

hmm, trouble with all the love stuff is - same as trouble with what I dislike about Therapy Friend is how indiscriminate, careless, impersonal, bland and, frankly, selfish it *can* get. Not in your dear hands, I'm sure, but trapped in my less appointed life? most deffo. So you end up loving everyone? well I'm sorry but Mrs Bitch Face Uber Betrayer in the village does not deserve the love I give to Mrs Lovely, so she's not bloody having it, wizened old crow. And Mrs Lovely deserves the preferential treatment that my favour confers ... while Mrs BFUB can go swivel. As for Mrs Therapy and her bloody "turn the mirror to the anger" - where does that leave the person whose laptop has been broken by Mrs Therapy's son because, as Mrs T says, "hmmm-unhunh, how does Mrs Laptop expect her laptop not to be broken by my son, mn-huhn, why should I absorb her anger?" Because your entitled son threw a load of cushions around and then dive bombed the corner of the room that is.
Sorry, sounding dismissive and so small, but, you expect that, don't you. I don't do beatific smiles, not if I can deliver a well-directed and perfectly deserved scowl. Though, yeah, I know, I know, the soul rotting will be mine.

Exmoorjane said...

@Tee - go for it! I may follow you. :) (I usually do)...

@Kellie - thanks, love. :)

@Milla - oh Milla, my do make me smile. And I know, I know... and I struggle with the Mr Arsebiscuit and Mrs Revolting. And I hate (ho ho) the way 'love' is banded round in that fake fluffy unicorn way and truly, I'm not talking about that At All.
But really, truly, people are revolting and arsebiscuity because they are, at root, not really happy in their skin. Otherwise, where would be the need?
Hmm, maybe not read the post on Tonglen then...about transforming other's anguish and pain through one's own love? :)
Love ya... (really do...) xxx

Donna said...

Hi Jane,
I just reposted the first portion of this post at my new blog. Of course, I linked back to your main blog and to the rest of this post for people to read the second half. Hope this is okay. If not, do let me know in the comment to my post.

kamagra said...

Marek’s books is highly recommended for anyone who wants to achieve a higher level of spirituality.

Exmoorjane said...