Wednesday 20 June 2012

If you're going to knit, make it a honey badger or a beard

Oh God. I did child modelling? 

When I was a child (feel free to insert the Hovis ad music), knitting was something you did out of necessity.  My mother couldn’t afford to buy us new sweaters so my nan used to knit them. Looking back, they were probably quite cool in a sort of Enid Blyton four-ply way. Well, the first one was.  When I grew out of it, Nan unpicked it and re-knitted it - pretty much the same, just bigger.  And again. And again. And so on ad infinitum. Only problem, the original wool swiftly ran out so the jumpers ended up being striped.  Think of a depressing Neapolitan ice-cream – with grey instead of vanilla.

‘Couldn’t I have a blue one?’ I said wistfully. 
‘I could run to a blue stripe maybe,’ she said, as we threw another chair on the fire. 

But really it’s all different now.  Even terrier lawyers are wielding knitting needles.
‘I’m going to learn to knit,’ said Liz.
‘What do you mean you’re going to learn to knit?’
‘There’s a waiting list for all the best classes.’
Ye Gods. Only in London would you have to wait for a superior knitting class. Only in London would you even need a knitting class.  Can't we do anything for ourselves nowadays? What happened to winging it?
She had the grace to look rueful.

‘What are you going to knit?’
‘A scarf.’
Knitted honey badger...
Oh Lizzie, Lizzie.  Nooo.  Even I know that scarves and jumpers and practical thingies are all terribly passe now.  Why knit something sensible when you can knit something weird or downright disturbing? We've gone right past cute knitted toys, and even interesting dogs and the royal family now seem a bit tame.
I don't know about you but, wherever I go on the Internet, I seem to stumble over weird knitted things.  This is probably nothing new and the rest of you have probably been knocking up bondage kits and alien dissections for aeons.  But hey…this is my hijab right?  

Anyhow, these are my favourites to date… please feel free to add your own.  Actually you can Google 'knitted' + virtually anything and you'll find some nutjob has knitted it. Seriously. I tried - randomly - 'knitted Michael Jackson', 'knitted penis', 'knitted honey badger', 'knitted zombie apocalypse', 'knitted sex toys', 'knitted dead cat', 'knitted credit card', 'knitted Spongebob' and so on, and came up trumps every time.  

Oh, and btw, I have only one thing to say to all you people indulging in this, frankly odd, pastime. You are sad sad people and you have way too much time on your hands. :-)  Yes, yes...pot, kettle, black...I know. 

Knitted Kali. Love the detail on the protruding tongue and bleeding neck.

"Knitted Testament" from the most excellent website Ship of Fools.  A relatively simple project to inspire faith in beginners.
Knitted alien dissection. Personally I think this one is trying too hard to be weird for weird's sake. 

Knitted whip. Okay, so it looks a bit like a long tassel but...   Hmm, there's a thought... hang about.  (insert pause). No. :-(   My first fail.  No knitted Fifty Shades of Grey. HUGE marketing opp there, guys... 
Knitted Karl Lagerfeld. Right.
The knitted beard. Possibly my favourite. Excellent use of texture. Reminds me of my ex brother-in-law who had brown hair and a ginger beard.


And then...from somewhere right at the bottom of my subconscious, a horrible memory emerged. Surely not?  I tapped in the words 'knitted naked people' and yes, there it was...  You've probably already seen this but, if may wish to shield your eyes right now.

So tomorrow's post will be on practical parenting, right? 


Tee said...

I have no words.

They have been taken from me.

I blame the last picture.

Anonymous said...

And the winner is... THE BROWN KNITTED CONDOM! :oD

Anonymous said...

Butt Siriusly... :o)

Dzieje - Timing

The ball of wool
Two knitting needles
Rub against each other
To spin the plot
Of woollen mementoes

The warm room
You and I
Outside the wind and heavy rain
And here
Timing is good

In this manual acrobatics
There's more love than
In smiles and tears

Where every stitch
Interlocks our souls
Our eyes
Our lips
Our hair

I know
I think I know

With such a sweater on
Man is
Immune to bad fate
And to frosts
And to silly geese

To make me shine
And glitter in the sun
Please weave a golden thread
In the fabulous pattern
My Penelope

Our little Ithaca
Is not a kingdom
But it's rich with peace and quiet
And your agile fingers

Which make every stitch
Interlock our souls
Our eyes
Our lips
Our hair

And I know

To penetrate the essence of the ball of wool
I take out the thought
As clear as day
That every thread has two ends

I always have one with me
When I walk through the world's labyrinth
And I have no fear at all
My Ariadne

For I know
You are on the other end
And we'll never get lost
In the fog
As long as the thread is

So do keep making every stitch
Interlock our souls
Our eyes
Our lips
Our hair

Nicola Vincent-Abnett said...

I was knitting my own school sweaters before I went to 'big' school. While I was at university, rich American college kids used to pay me to knit cable and fair isle sweaters to my own design, which kept the wolf from the door. I also did a nice line in willy warmers. It all seems like a very long time ago now.

Exmoorjane said...

@Tee - I know, I know. I'm sorry. And did you notice... ? No, maybe best not draw attention...

@Everything - That comment has been bothering me for about an hour now. :D

But seriously...that lyric is just plain (purl) beautiful. One of my absolute favourites of yours.

Exmoorjane said...

@Adi (sorry, old habits) - you slipped in while I was commenting. :)
Ah now, there's clever. I did used to knit but could never deal with one than one set of needles and never more than one colour. :)

Anonymous said...

@ Jane: I was very young. :o)

Sally said...

Oh. I thought they were light sabers. I feel very naive now.

Exmoorjane said...

Hang about.. :D

Exmoorjane said...

I thought they were light sabres too. :) Or vibrators. Same difference.

Anonymous said...


I'm upset about the knitted sex toys though.

Rob-bear said...

Our daughter learned to knit a few years ago. I got a delightful scarf out of the process. Very functional. Like some of the things you have done.

And you, m'lady, have developed quite the talent. Well done.

Greta said...

That last picture... I'm going to have nightmares now and it'll be ALL YOUR FAULT.

My sister was a great knitter (of dumb, practical stuff like jumpers) and my mum could crochet. Me? I can cook...

Anonymous said...

Have you seen these? Beowulf socks!
I was tempted, but I don't think the website selling the pattern exists anymore.

Zoë said...

That knitted last picture is wrong, plain wrong - why is the child inspecting the Father's knitted appendage?

Can you imagine the outrage if that wasn't made of wool? Suspect it would be a criminal offence! I think this may be a case of knitting porn!

The one thing that has bemused me for ages is all the knitted muffins and cup cakes .... every time I see one I think 'what is the point' or 'WHY???'

I did go to a knitting class earlier this year, I was sooo very hopeless and had countless attempts at knitting, all major fails. Now I can knit perfectly, albeit only perfect uniform squares in a variety of stitches! (I haven't done the intermediates class yet where we learn how to shape a garment)

100 merino squares later I now need to go to a crochet class to work out how to put them all together artfully to make a blanket! Go figure!

Sarah Blackburn said...

@Zoe - I remember knitting those squares at school. I thought they got sent somewhere where they were stitched together for poor children, old ladies, whoever the school had nominated as this year's charity. Only mine were so wonky the blankets were probably rather uneven.
My nan had a knitting machine which I loved to play with. She could turn out sweaters that looked like the "real ones" other people's mums bought from the shops. She also knitted by hand like greased lightning - she made my school uniform jumper when I was 5 and was very annoyed when the teacher said I couldn't wear it as it didn't look like a bought one. And she also unpicked, wound, steamed and re-knitted wool.
Thanks Jane for evoking some happy memories!

Exmoorjane said...

Okay, so the comments on this are sheer class. :)
Beowulf socks? WAYYY too tasteful...but can you imagine? Knitted thorns? Bliss.

F said...

I knit. Slugs, in fact. Yes, you read that right. I knit slugs.

I also knit hats. Up here in the frigid far north, you can wear them 8 months of the year (plus chilly summer days.) I'm really good at hats.

Everything comes out a little weird, and usually just slightly too large, because I'm constitutionally incapable of ever making anything without "improving" on it.

Except slugs. I knit those pretty much as the directions say. There's really not much room for improvement when it comes to slugs.

Exmoorjane said...

Please knit me a slug.

F said...

Mission accepted!

janerowena said...

I know you would love this site

The brain is good - but I know someone who actually knitted the womb. It was the only way she could explain it to her daughter. That's her excuse, anyway.