Wednesday, 6 May 2009

Diary of a Desperate DUPLO donating woman (OK, this is weird)

I thought Disney was surreal enough (what with pin-swapping and grown people wandering round in mouse ears) but life back home is turning a little odd too.
I returned to find I was double-booked for two funerals yesterday. Given one was in London and one was twenty minutes away, there wasn’t too much decision-making involved. Clifford was our old neighbour back when we lived up on the weird windswept moor (for any readers who go back a long way with me you might remember him as the flirtatious old dog who used to growl, ‘they don’t call it SExmoor for nothing’ accompanied by a lascivious leer and a finger tickling down your backbone and coming to rest, cupping your arse. For all that I was very fond of Cliff and even fonder of his long-suffering (if redoubtable) wife. So we headed across the moor back into our old life.
‘We don’t want to be too early,’ worried Adrian. Mainly worried, I hasten to add, because he didn’t want to bump into a certain ex-friend. It all went wrong when the chap had an affair, news got out – to his wife eventually – and the ex-friend blamed Adrian (very unfairly as it happens). But anyhow… So we dawdled, and went past our old place and eventually……
‘Oh shit. Think it might be busy.’
The entire hill was jam-packed with 4x4s and quad bikes and tractors. Sure enough, it was standing room only in the church. The average age was about 70 and, as we waited for the cortege, there was a small concerto for hearing aid (high-pitched squeaks and squeals) followed by a couple of deep sigh farts. It was a great funeral (if you can say that). Cliff was a hunting man (fox, stag, otter, mink, women) and we were only surprised that the church wasn’t packed with hounds. As it was the service ended with a rousing rendition of a local hunting song.

We slid out before the hunting horns got going and hurtled back home. I flung Adrian out of the car and carried on to town to get a chest x-ray (nothing horrid – at least I hope not – doctor just scared of litigation so covering all eventualities. Seriously hope those aren’t famous last words). Stalk into X-ray clad head to toe in black and the chap behind reception seems a bit bemused.
‘Are you clergy?’
Do I look like a vicar in high heels, slim black trousers and a coat with three-quarter sleeves? Is the make-up and earrings a bit of a giveaway?
‘No. I’ve been to a funeral.’
‘Ah. I wondered. Concentrates the mind, doesn’t it?’
‘Er, yes.’
‘He he, don’t worry. I’ll give you a good x-ray and if you’ve got lung cancer I won’t tell you. No point making a bad day worse.’
‘Er, thank you.’ I think.

So I sit in M&S drinking decaf and gazing gloomily at my trolley waiting until it’s time to pick up James from school. He’s fed up as they got thrashed playing cricket.
‘I got one run.’
‘Oh dear. That’s rubbish, isn’t it?’
Frown and hurt look. ‘I was the third highest scoring batsman.’
‘That’s great!’
‘Oh don’t patronise me.’
Really, you can’t win.
Anyhow, home James and a flurry of the usual when an email pings in.

Would I like a set of LEGO DUPLO?
Hmm, not really. My son is ten and, last time I looked, DUPLO was for toddlers. Now had it been the Battlestar….
‘Well, you could give them away to your readers.’

What is going ON with this blogging lark? First I get flown to Florida, now I’m being offered free LEGO. I said no, the chap from LEGO said, aw, go on….your readers will love it. So, in the spirit of wild generosity, I present Diary of a Desperate DUPLO Donating Woman. It’s got a ring, don’t you think?

Here’s the juice. LEGO are offering two sets of DUPLO. Each set comprises two boxes: one’s a funky Zoo type playset and the other one is a groovy police set (so the nice policemen can arrest the penguins or vice versa). If you’d like one bung a comment below and, come the end of the weekend, I’ll get Asbo to put out the magic paw and pick two wildly random winners. Sadly, you have to be in the UK for this and LEGO do ask that you visit their blog and report on how the sets went down with your children…..but hey, no hardship really?
Click here to see the sets….

And watch this space. Today DUPLO, who knows what might happen tomorrow….Spa week at Champneys? Laptops? Plasma TVs? Surreal. Just surreal.


Mopsa said...

You've entered the world of commentators who get freebies! All I get is a tractor calendar, if I'm lucky. We could do a virtual best freebies list. Umm....a lifetime supply of oil for the Aga? A donkey? Oooh - a Woodwarm fire. Now I'm REALLY getting in the swing of things.

Minnie said...

Oh, golly - who else could make a funeral, a chest x-ray and unwanted sales attacks so delightfully funny, and with such a light touch?
Thank you, Jane!
PS Yes, why are hunting types nearly always so, erm, warm-blooded? Especially the riders. Ah, I see ...!
WV = speling: how DARE they!

Rustic Pumpkin said...

Just wait til you next fly, they'll upgrade you and give you free champagne (if you don't like it, gratefully accept and I will arrange to take it off your hands, hic). Have considered giving the Lego to Asbo?

Zoë said...

Ah! don't you love cautious Drs?

No, nor do I really, mine decided I needed an MRI brain scan! Like that's likely to find anything!

Your radiographer sounds as sensitive as the one I had doing my Barium enema recently, moaning about 'abnormal anatomy', and just as well 'I wasn't a hairy arse bloke!' This led on to him muttering about them being 'made to wax first'. I started singing at this point(silently in my head of course).

Please let me know if you get any offers for driving lessons for students, or free cars for students. Fed up with being a Mummy Taxi, after 21 years it loses its edge slightly!

Thanks for the giggles this morning, I needed it.


Pipany said...

Oh wow, II would love this, never mind the kids Jane!
Dave was upgraded on a flight to China once and has never forgotten the experience - dear of him x

family affairs said...

No thanks to the Duplo - I am pleased to report that I wasn't asked to have some. What a weird day you've had Lx

Exmoorjane said...

Mopsa: it's a weird weird world... Yes, oh yes, to a wood burning stove please...not sure about the donkey.

Phidelm: Yup, that would be it (re the riders) - he he.... Thank you, dear heart - you're way too kind.

Celtic Heart: ahem, got the free champagne and the upgrade actually (smirk)... drat, hadn't thought of Asbo... Nah, he'd swallow it and we'd get primary coloured square crap out of him.

Zoe: yup, they train them well, don't they? Request for free car duly noted. No problem.

Pip: thought of you with this... Upgrades are lovely though the trouble is it then spoils you for the normal cattle class experience.

arosebyanyothername said...

As it happens it is my grandson, Ben's birthday today (3) and he would love the Police set, please.
Big kiss to Asbo.
Not trying to influence anyone of course.
Two funerals in one day is going it a bit but wait until you get to our age - they are every five minutes!

Exmoorjane said...

FA: No Duplo? I'm amazed. Thought we came as a job lot. btw, I'm going to wrestle with you for the job of spa correspondent on Linda's new blog!

Exmoorjane said...

Rosie: your name is in Asbo's's hoping the paw swings in your direction...

Mrs Jones said...

Ooh, my 3yr old nephew would LURVE the animals duplo set, so if you could influence Asbo in my direction, Riley will come and pat him on the head and try to feed him an ice lolly.

claire p said...

I would love to get Jamie into things like that. I know I'm a girl, but I loved a lego building site I had when I was a kid (I had remote control cars as well). Anyway It's a very tempting offer, but I think it might be wasted. However if dinner with Richard Hammond ever gets offered, it's mine!!

Pondside said...

......couturier samples?....weekends at resort hotels? What next, Jane?
Sadly I'll have my face pressed against the window for this one as Canada is the poor relation on all such things "Void outside the continental US" and "Residents of the UK only" are standard.
This post was a bit of a whirlwind - from funeral to chest xray to that rather sad coffee at M&S. Love it.

Unknown said...

Give me the Duplo or i'll drive to Exmoor and bash you over the head for it :)
The things you do for kids eh!

Now if I was you, I'd start *thinking* about how you would love to test out that luxury hotel, that new brand of chocolate and perhaps the new range of clothes from M & S....

Erica Douglas said...

I have my own Duplo, just thought I'd dip in and say my 3 year old is loving it :)

Milla said...

God, it's "bad" enough just trying to keep up with normal blogs per se, but you have become a full time job on your own, madam. Almost tempted to demand the Duplo as recompense for all this clicking.

Exmoorjane said...

Mrs J: who knows where the paw will fall? Actually this is awful as I know all you guys so it really will have to be the evil paw wot does the deed.

Claire: the Hamster is yours...he's too short for me. Cute but short. Oh, and happily married but hey ho....that might change. Often does.

Pondside: yes, my head is still spinning. back to the usual tedium today. So sorry about the anti-Canada stance - must be hugely frustrating to be unwanted by not just the Brits but the Yanks too. Most unfair.

Zoo: Ouch, have the DUPLO! Yup, bring it on I say - never knowingly turn my back on a nice freebie.

Erica: you started all this, you realise! This blog was a DUPLO free zone before this. You'll have me turning into a mummyblogger before I can say 'wet wipes'.

Milla: sorry, sorry. Not sure what's come over me but sure it will dissipate quite soon through sore fingers and short attention span. I'll enter you... ;)

Faith said...

Jane, getting taken for sexy clergy now! Always sad when someone dies though. Hope Adrian's x ray comes through clear.

Yes, put me down for the duplo please - I have 9 great nieces and nephews!

Now off to read the disney blog which I seem to have missed.

Anonymous said...

Not really enthused by the Duplo, but I wouldn't mind a donkey.

Of course then I really would have to move to Exmoor - I don't think they allow donkeys on the district line any more.

Tattieweasle said...

It was the Duplo bit that got me over here...I am SO shallow! Still I did love the cricket story. Have been told I am a USELESS bowler but that since Daddy is only around at w/e I'll do. Not sure wether to be pleased or not...

snailbeachshepherdess said...

stick my name in the hat for the DUPLO please jane - anything that could keep a grandchild under control for more than two minutes would be extremely welcome....big sigh

Exmoorjane said...

Faith: your name is in the hat... Adrian's fine btw, its yours truly with the irritating cough.

Mud in the city: could arrange the donkey, no problem. Just get your arse down here (you know the District line is all wrong).

Tattie: you're in the hat too. I'm always second choice bowler too.

SBS: ditto to you, in the hat you go... You mean I've got to got hrough all this again with GRANDCHILDREN?

Calico Kate said...

Please don't put me in the hat, have no-one to play with it! We are sans, children or grandchildren. Neices and nephews are begining to sprog but are either too small or too far away for Duplex??? (freudian slip?) Duplo so I'll pass on that one.
However ....... any fat farm er sorry mean Health farm, spa breaks, esp. in Scotland - far too far for you to travel - Pleeease send my way .. Ta ever so!

Ian Newbold said...

Yep, I'll be in it to win it, please.

And one, is better than none. As a veteran of all the junior cricket sides under 11's, under 13's and so on. One is better than none.

Fennie said...

Ha! glad you are back. My children are long grown up but I have a grandchild who will be a toddler in about a year or so depending on how energetic he feels. But as SIL collects action men and ED makes Teddy Bears they might too be in the market for LEGO. Sad about your old Moors friend. But as Tom Leher said 'When you go o a funeral, it's nice to know that sooner or l' (ater those you love will do the same for you). Hope the X-RAY is OK. Gulp! Fingers Crossed. Hug! But to keep you happy while you're waiting I have blogged. Ever been to Caerphilly?

and1moremeans5 said...

mmmm DUPLO i will get in on that! the girls love to build! x

Elizabeth Musgrave said...

Yes I will be in the hat for duplo too please. I am getting a bit envious of the being offered free things - I am so much more shallow than Tattie. If anyone is interested I am in the market for free plants, free grass seed and free bras (36C).

Taz said...

Wow you really have made the big time now hon ;)
Wonder if I can get Smirnoff or other such retailers to pass me a few samples :D
Duplo is great fun, I'd definately be able to offer it a good home if I were to be so lucky.

Rob-bear said...

So, are you in the competition to become the new Vicar of Dibley?

A wonderful funeral (yes, there can be such things) and a "glowing" conversation with the radiologist, followed by bad news from the cricket pitch. Well, two out of three ain't bad.

Not eligible for the Lego, since I'm on the wrong side of "the pond." And don't suggest it to Joanne at "Reasons to be Cheerful, . . ." She has had far too many "experiences" with Lego already.

Exmoorjane said...

CK: got you down as Scottish fat farm correspondent. DUPLO IS a funny name, isn't it? Too close to DUREX for comfort really. Maybe it's the capitals.

SingleParentDad: you're in the hat. btw, anyone else reading this, SPD is giving away a Wii (get that!) on his blog so go over and enter.

Fennie: nope, never been but sounds like I'm about to get the virtual tour. bring it on!

Amy: you're in the hat. Fingers crossed!

EM: you too... Haven't you got enough plants already???

Taz: you too....and if any Smirnoff comes along, it's yours. I'm a gin drinker (oh, apart from the daquiris).

Rob-Bear - could really quite get into the idea of being a vicar...slight problem with the faith bit but wouldn't let that get in the way. I'd look great in a cassock. Now off to check out LEGO wars.