My Karaoke song would be...

Well I was going to write something entirely different  today but it felt a bit maudlin somehow.  Then I found I’d been tagged by the lovely Erica for the ‘karoake meme’.  Say what?  What song would I sing karaoke?  Okay, I’ll admit, I’ve never done karaoke, not once.  Never had the chance.  Would I?  Sure. After all, I’m no stranger to making a complete arse of myself in public, am I?

But what would I sing?  When I think back to me singing, my first thought is hymns. I used to love singing in church for some strange reason, Christmas carols in particular – The Three Kings will still bring a tear to my eye today.  But you can’t do karaoke carols, can you? 

I do have this clear as day image of racing onto the dance floor, aged 18, every time Gloria Gaynor came on.  I will survive.  Now there’s a song and a half.  Young, passionate, desperate, with skin so thin it ripped at the slightest scratch, I’d dance and sing my heart out to that; in my skin-tight red jeans and Oxfam “vintage” spiky heels; fuelled by Southern Comfort and heartbreak.

But since then?  No, not really.  I sing in private though, all the time.  When I’m driving alone I let down the windows, turn the volume up high high high and belt out all sorts.  When I’m walking in the woods, with my iPod stuck in my ears, I am wont to sing along to Kate Bush’s Lily (which sends shivers down my spine)  – complete with arm actions – it’s a fecking good job I don’t meet anyone or I'd be typing this from a padded room.  And no, I can't sing that high.

Borderline by Kleemass on DeviantArt.com

But now? Hmm.  I rather like the sound of Rock Band for Xbox – might have to investigate that.  And, while my general musical inclinations lie with rock, nowadays I do most of my lip-syncing to Zumba dance tracks… So, I guess it would have to be this.. and yeah, I can do all the voices!

Now then.  Who do I tag?
Milla (if she says The Smiths I will strangle her).
Lulu
Mags
Tattie
Tee

So girls...hmm, all girls...funny that.  Okay, my lovelies - get to it! 

btw, Gloria is dedicated to a very lovely friend in particular who will survive...and to all of you really - because we will, we do, of course we do...

Revealing the real "me"?

I haven’t been tagged in a meme for positively years. But my dear mucker Laura has done the dirty. Apparently this originated in The Guardian Weekend mag and the answers have the power to reveal the ‘real you’. I’m always trying to discover/uncover/whatever the real me so I figured – why not? – and merrily ignored my inrushing deadline to pay it some thought.

When were you happiest? Oh God, question one and I’m struggling already. I don’t really do long periods of happiness. I think it has to be those rare ‘flow’ moments that come, unexpectedly, out of nowhere and set your entire body and brain tingling. For some bizarre reason the one that sticks in my mind was driving across London Bridge in my VW Beetle as the sun was setting. I had a sudden feeling of ‘YESSSS!!!’ I was about 23. Jumping off a mountain in Austria was pretty cool too.

What was your most embarrassing moment? Hmm. There are many candidates and I’ve confessed plenty in the past. Being told to ‘fuck off’ by Bob Geldof made me wince at the time but, on reflection, I don’t think it was personal. Discussing the ELLE sex survey on live TV was pretty cringe-worthy – I spoke in an unstoppable torrent of totally inadvertent innuendo.

Aside from property, what’s the most expensive thing you’ve bought? Boring answer – car. Not even a good car either...crappy Toyota RAV4.

What is your most treasured possession? I don’t really go a bundle on stuff. I love things James makes for me and I'm superglued to my iPod. I’d hate to live without my PC – does that count?

Where would you like to live? I’m happy where I am but would love to travel for part of the year. I’d definitely like to bale out of the UK for January and February. Love the US, adore Greece and Egypt. So much of the world I don’t know but would love to meet. Would it be greedy to have a crash-pad in London too?

What’s your favourite smell? Woodsmoke.

Who would play you in the film of your life? Tilda Swinton, please.

What is your favourite book? Sorry – gotta cheat and have three and all spiritual, not novels. The I Ching; A Practical Guide to Qabalistic Symbolism;  Symphonic Bridges.

What is your most unappealing habit? Readjusting shop displays and pointing out abuse of apostrophes.

What would be your fancy dress costume of choice? Trinity from The Matrix. Worked that look pretty well a few years back with boot polish in my hair.

What is your earliest memory? Lying in my pram looking up at a hedge and seeing hundreds of caterpillars.

What is your guiltiest pleasure? Chatting on the Internet.

What do you owe your parents? Genetic gloom, existential angst, long legs, big tits and a broad mind.

To whom would you like to say sorry, and why? Terry Waite (for saying he was smelly) and (oh God) the smelly girl in my girl guide patrol.  Note to self: sweat isn't a sin.

What does love feel like? Depends on the love. Warm sun on bare skin, melon sorbet on the tongue or jump leads to the heart.

What was the best kiss of your life? North London. Mid 80s. Random party. Random guy. Sheesh.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse? ‘Shit yeah’; ‘to be honest’; ‘Oh FFS’; ‘Sorry’.

What is the worst job you have ever done? Filing for the Immigration Office. I won’t tell you what I did to pass the time.

If you could edit your past, what would you change? I would love to have had a daughter (as well as a son). And I said no a few times when maybe I should have said yes...but then again...

What is the closest you have come to death? Blow-out at 90mph on the middle lane of a US highway. Time really did slow.

What do you consider your greatest achievement? My son. Simples.

When did you last cry and why? A few weeks ago. But I cry at anything. Music usually sets me off – I have been known to sob at adverts if they include the right minor chord.

How do you relax? Seriously tough aerobic exercise. Or seriously tough hard massage. Or seriously tough hard... never mind.

What single thing would improve the quality of your life? Enough money to follow my heart rather than chase bills.

What is the most important lesson life has taught you? I know nothing. Be kind. Okay, so that's two but they're linked. 


Now then....time to tag?  Okay, here are the people to whom I say - 'reveal, reveal'....

Hestia
Frances
Milla
Lulu
Viv

Tagged and pretty pink Ouija boards

Crikey, I’ve been tagged by @alphamummy. I’m so rubbish at keeping up with blogs that I would have missed it altogether had it not been for the wondrous Linda.
The meme is to reveal a memory, be it a dark or light one. The one that springs immediately to mind is not surprising really, given I have just read the alphamummy post reporting that ToysRus are actually selling a kiddie Ouija board. Pretty in pink, aimed at little girls but undoubtedly a Ouija board.

Now this bothers me - immensely. That may surprise some of you as I don’t exactly hide my weirdy-beardy proclivities. I learned to read the tarot when I was in nappies and am happy as Larry with the runes, the I Ching, whatever. In my recent book The Mind Body Spirit Miscellany I even chunter on about even more arcane forms of divination. For example:
• Bibliomancy – opening books at random and reading the first passage seen (people tend to use the Bible or other sacred texts but any book will do - I find Marion Keyes works a treat).
• Tasseomancy - reading the patterns of tea leaves, coffee grounds or (more usually for me) wine sediments left at the bottom of a cup or glass (very common party trick)
• Cledonomancy – interpreting chance remarks from passers-by (usually do this waiting in the queue at the Dulverton post office)
• Onychomancy – reading symbols formed by the reflection of sunlight on the oiled fingernails of a child (so far no joy - the child steadfastly refuses to play along with this one).
• Alectoromancy – reading the letters revealed as a cockerel eats the kernels of corn that cover them (working on my neighbour to have a go at that with her chickens).

Sorry, brief aside there. But anyhow, these are all fine and dandy in my book (ho ho, neat plug there eh?) but the Ouija board isn’t.

I think I was around eight when I first used it. It was the sixties and the boards were the latest craze. One day I was hanging out with my friend Mandy Cotton and it was raining so we couldn’t go outside and pretend to ride ponies over jumps, whipping our bottoms with crops. So we pulled out the Ouija board which I had been told NOT TO TOUCH UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WHATSOEVER.

We were giggling in the usual way of eight year old girls and then the planchette moved.
‘You moved it,’ I said.
‘No I didn’t. YOU did.’
‘I didn’t.’
‘Did.’
And so it would have gone on except by now the planchette was seriously whizzing round the board.
‘Is there anyone there?’
YES.
‘Are you dead?’ (cut to the chase, why don't you Mandy?)
YES.
‘What’s your name?’
D.A.V.E (how very suburban)
‘How did you die?’ (that was me - always was a morbid child)
C.R.A.S.H.

The planchette was moving so fast we couldn’t follow what it was saying.
It was clearly getting agitated.
Then something shifted. The atmosphere in the room became thick and heavy. The planchette stopped in the centre of the board.
I looked at Mandy and she looked at me. We both knew something was different.

‘Are you still there, Dave?’
NO
‘Is someone else there?’
YES

‘I think we should stop,’ I said. ‘I don’t like this.’
The temperature in the room had dropped and it felt as if something were waiting to happen, something bad. Chills ran down my spine and I stared petrified at the board.
Suddenly the light bulb exploded over our heads and fragments of glass rained down. The room was plunged into darkness and we both screamed and ran out of the room.

When I saw the film The Exorcist in my teens (underage of course) I wasn’t remotely surprised somehow that the events kicked off with the use of the Ouija board.
Many years later I was on a press trip to Macedonia and a crowd of us, rather drunk, made our own Ouija board (if you really want to do it, there are instructions in my book). Someone faithfully copied out the strings of meaningless letters that splurged out. It was total rubbish and we shrugged our shoulders, gave up and went to bed.
The next morning we met up with our interpreter at breakfast and he noticed the letters in my notebook.
‘What’s that?’ he said.
‘Oh, just some rubbish we got from a Ouija board. It doesn’t make sense.’
‘Not to you maybe but I can read it. It’s Serbo-Croat.’
Cue spooky music.
So, there you have it. My spooky memories and why I really don’t think it is remotely appropriate to sell pink Ouija boards to little girls.

Now I have to tag five others so (rummaging in the sorting hat) I’ll tag:

Preseli Mags

Fennie

Ladybird World Mother

Michelloui

Tattie Weasle

Tagged.......

A fellow blogger recently said that what she really liked about my blog is that I don’t go on about ‘me’ all the time. Most blogs, she said, are dreary descriptions of self-centred minutiae. I basked in her approval, nodding and agreeing, sickeningly smug and self-righteous. So, I feel more than a little uneasy about bunging up a meme. Never really been too sure about memes – presume they are simply ‘me me’ things, which makes it all worse really, doesn’t it? But I love Tessa’s Aerial Armadillo blog and my poor rain-lashed ego needs an outing so, ahem, here it is……

What are your current obsessions?
1. My hairy fingers and toes. In desperate need of plucking, waxing, shaving, whatever. It’s either that or give in to my inner hobbit and let them grow, plait them, bead them, straighten them…
2. Paisley. Permanent fascination.
3. Madmen – the TV show. Makes you realise how far we’ve come in forty years. Scary yet compelling.
4. Shades of yellow. First it was red, then white, now yellow. This house is begging for yellow.

Which item from your wardrobe do you wear most often?

Like Tessa, it’s jeans and cowboy boots. Though in my case, sadly cheap nasty ones (the jeans) from Sainsburys. And it’s not ‘most often’; it’s always. I occasionally buy skirts but they languish unworn. I don’t possess a dress, save for my wedding dress.

What's for dinner?

Haven’t a clue – I won’t be cooking it.

Last thing you bought?

Not sure which was the last technically as had a little online flurry and waved the credit card around in a very rash fashion.
1. cricket spikes and trousers for the boy.
2. steam cleaner from eBay (if it ever arrives – three weeks and counting)
3. er, compact camera (blame KittyB – NOT my fault.)

What are you listening to?

Nothing. Forgot to get speakers on my PC. Duh.

If you were a god/goddess who would you be?
Persephone – Queen of the Underworld. Always sounded rather glamorous to me and old Hades seems a sexy cove….appeals to my inner goth. Beats picking poppies anyhow.

Favourite holiday spots?

1. Peloponnese… I love the Greek islands but love this even more. Lapping soft sea, history and mythology in buckets, calamari, dolmades, metaxa.
2. South-West France….Lot-et-Garonne… warmth, great food, lazy days, caves, happy memories.
3. Maine. Fresh air, ocean, whales, good coffee, nice arty crafty places.
4. West coast of Ireland….wild beaches, seals, stunning bars, gorgeous seafood, lilting music

Reading right now?

The Great Western Beach by Emma Smith
Strandloper by Alan Garner

4 words to describe yourself.

Overweight. Unhealthy. Neurotic. Glum.

Guilty pleasure?

Spider Solitaire. Having managed to expunge it from every computer in the house, I have now discovered I can play on-line. My name is Jane and I am addicted to a pathetic online card game.
Oh, and black and white etchings of weird mythological creatures.

Who or what makes you laugh until you’re weak?

Very little. I’m the one the workmen call out ‘Cheer up love, it may never happen’ to. Milla however has the rare capacity to make me wee myself with helpless laughter.

First spring thing?

Weeds. The torment begins. They exist to distress me.

Planning to travel to next?

Florida. Oh, OK, Walt Disney World. It’s going to be ‘magical’ apparently. I’m packing my broomstick.

Best thing you ate or drank lately?

Boston baked beans. The real thing. Slow-cooked nearly to oblivion and just deliciously sweet and cloying and, er, fart inducing. Separate beds last night. Wish I could put myself in a separate office as the effects are longlasting and truly revolting.

Flower of the moment?

Euphorbia. Dig that acid green.

Favourite ever film?

Into the West – makes me cry every time. ‘Nooo, Tir na Nog, nooooo.’ Nobody else gets it.

Care to share some wisdom?

I wouldn’t dare presume. Oh, OK then….

Life is short.

Nothing is fair.

Grab every chance for happiness with both hands, tie it up if necessary.

Never buy really cheap chocolate (though Galaxy is fine).

Be grateful for everything good (however tiny).

Don’t be precious, or snobby, or make assumptions.

Give children firm boundaries and don’t turn them into mini adults – it’ll happen soon enough. Never EVER have a terrier (unless you have a strong masochistic streak and skin as tough as rhino hide).

Learn the fine art of ‘getting in your NO’ quickly. As in ‘Would you like to be on the committee for…’ ‘No. Sorry. Really can’t.’ Quick as a greyhound out of a trap.

Never have pale carpets or sofas – it’s madness (and if you say white leather can be sponged down you need arresting for style crimes).

Be helpless sometimes – otherwise you will end up doing it all.

I could go on (I’m an agony aunt so it comes with the territory) but I’d better stop.

Rules of the meme. Respond and rework. Answer questions on your own blog. Replace one question. Add one question. Tag 8 people.

OK, I’ll tag the following (though if it’s a pain or a chore, just smile sweetly - or curse me roundly - and move on…)

Zoe

Maddie Grigg
Fennie
Sorrow
Fire Byrd
Frances

Not enough Mud

Boudicca