My Christmas diet

Ooops. Wrong search. :-)

I’m on a diet.  Well, not a real ‘diet’ diet cos I don’t do those, but really I’ve been getting a bit lardy lately and something had to be done. You know, this food stuff catches up on you.  You go to a party and are loafing around by some occasional table with a huge bowl of stuffed sweet chilli peppers and you pop one in your mouth because they’re there and you think, mmm, that was nice, in fact that was damn nice and so you have another one and another one and then you start looking round in case people notice you’re being a greedy little cow.  And then, before you know it, the bowl is looking suspiciously empty and so you shift the few remaining around so the plague of locusts doesn't look quite so obvious, move on and stand by another table and lo, that one has crisps or peanuts or what have you and lo, the same thing happens.

Yup, that's probably him. 

So. It’s fine stuffing your face if you also exercise like a crazy loon.  I have tested this theory and it works – but it takes SERIOUS exercise.  And, to my huge sadness, my exercise quotient has dropped.  First to go was my yoga class.  Now I LOVED my yoga class so so so much.  Really it was 90 minutes of pure joy.  But then my yoga teacher announces he’s up and awaying to India, to work in the slums of Mumbai.  I mean – what can you say?  It would be beyond inappropriate to bleat that actually any old sod could do that but not anybody could unravel Dulverton’s collective knots and kinks. Charity begins at home?  Sigh. 

And then my lovely Zumba teacher announced that she was going to stop Wednesday Zumba because she was overdoing it.  That she needed to get some balance in her life.  And I get that.  She really does have to eat mountains to keep up with the calories she expends doing gazillions of classes a week as well as running.   And her classes aren’t like normal classes – forget all that nice stuff you see on YouTube – she would go mental and have us flinging around monstrous heavy weights while dancing like nutters. And yes, someone really did break her wrist doing MoshZumba to Black Sabbath.  So that just leaves Kettlebells (twice a week, once in church; once by the river) and Power Pilates (yeah, with heavy weights).  But that ain’t enough.  And, anyhow, now ALL the teachers have decided to stop for Christmas and eat mince pies instead.

Not the cream ones - they're mank.

Yes, I could do it for myself.  And, to be fair, I do walk the SP a lot, and I bounce on my rebounder, and do crunches by the fire, and so on.  And I must, must MUST get back to doing my Tibetans.  But, frankly, right now it’s easier just to…not eat so much. 

It’s not a hardship actually. I don’t really like most of the traditional Christmas nosh.  Mince pies and Christmas cake leave me cold.  I don’t eat meat and try to steer clear of dairy and wheat too (my body really doesn't enjoy them) so that cuts out a large swathe of the rest of the festive fare.   So.  I started off with a couple of days fasting and now I’m on the next phase of the tofu, red wine and Quality Street diet.  Anyone wanna join me?  J

PS. What will I eat for Christmas lunch?  Roast vegetables.  Followed by Turkish Delight.

PPS.  Off to the inlaws tomorrow.  They’re taking us to eat at Zeus, a Greek restaurant in Plymouth.  Apparently the steaks are good. I shall probably have chips.  J

PPPS.  To amuse you, I have posted this picture of me last night, after two hours of exercise – hot, sweaty, not a scrap of makeup.  And yeah, that's an England rugby T-shirt.  And yeah, those are reindeer antlers. What of it?  

I love yoga but...just...owwwwww.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, owwwwww.  I swear to God there is not one single muscle in my entire body which is not aching today.  Back, arms, legs, bum, shoulders, calves, neck…yup, they all hurt like hell.  Yesterday I went back to yoga after a long long break and hellfire I can feel it.

I do a lot of stretching and incorporate plenty of yoga postures (asanas) into my fitness regime but seriously, it’s nothing like doing a proper class.  Paul Cartwright is, quite simply, a great teacher and so when I was asked if I’d like to join a private 90 minute vinyasa class he runs here in Dulverton, I jumped at the chance.  But really…owww.  I’d figured I’d shake it all out at Zumba last night but when I pitched up at the hall, there was no thumping music; just a whole pile of vegetables.  Bloody flower and produce show.

Anyhow. By pure coincidence, I got an email yesterday from a friend who has decided she wants to take up yoga. What type should she do? What did she need to know?  So, let’s have a think. 

Yoga is one of the oldest organized systems of exercise known to humankind – at least 3,000 years old and possibly even older.  Yet it’s a system that seems tailor-made for modern times.  

On a purely physical level, yoga puts pressure on all the different organs and muscles of the body very systematically.  As well as toning the outer body (which it does exceedingly, nay, fabulously well) it tones the whole inner body too.   The precise postures of yoga work deep into the body, causing blood to circulate profoundly rather than just around the outside edge of the body, nourishing every organ and softening the muscle and ligament tissue.  The deep stretching is said to bring both bones and muscles gently back into their optimum alignment while lubricating the joints. 

Yoga can improve the oxygenation of your blood and boost your circulation.  It also helps your body to detoxify, as it encourages lymphatic flow (the “waste removal” system of the body).  Not only does your body detox when you perform yoga:  your mind does too.  The specific yogic breathing techniques (called pranayama) directly affect the nervous system, eliciting the “relaxation response” so you feel calm, cool and in control.  Allegedly.

If you practice yoga regularly you will almost automatically balance your weight and develop a leaner body.  Many yoga teachers also say that yoga can help improve will power:  people often find it easier to stop smoking or lose weight when they start yoga.  Concentration improves and most people report a deep sense of inner peace.

Yoga is totally safe - providing you find the right teacher and the right class.  However it is a powerful system and should be treated with respect.   One over-enthusiastic Iyengar teacher once pushed me way too far and I ended with a trapped nerve in my shoulder.  Another teacher was so bloody wafty and ‘new age’ she used to forget what she was doing in the middle of a series of asanas.  Go by word of mouth if you can and be prepared to try out a few classes and “shop around”.

If you have any health problems (particularly heart conditions, back problems, or if you have had any kind of surgery) you should find a very experienced yoga teacher or a yoga therapist.  Yoga is wonderful for pregnancy (I did classes with the lovely Sebastian Pole – founder of Pukka Herbs) but you will need to avoid certain postures.  Ideally, find a class specifically designed for pregnant women or have individual sessions with a yoga teacher or yoga therapist.

WHICH TYPE OF YOGA SHOULD YOU PICK?

Yes, I can...

To be honest, it doesn’t really matter.  I’d be more inclined to go by the teacher, rather than the type. Hatha yoga is the general name for the physical practice of yoga.  The majority of classes will simply call themselves by this name – or simply “yoga”.  However over the years many different approaches have sprung up.  Whichever type you pick, always start with a beginner’s class.  Yoga postures (known as asanas) are very precise and to begin with you will need a lot of individual attention. 

Here’s a brief guide to the most popular types of yoga and their approaches.

Hatha yoga:  expect relaxation, warm-up, postures, breathing and deep relaxation.  Many teachers will also include meditation.  Ideal for everyone and the most commonly available class.

Vini yoga:  puts emphasis on individual tuition and individual needs.  Safe, gentle and ideal for beginners.  Often taught on a one-to-one basis. A good introduction for anyone nervous about yoga.

No, I can't...

Iyengar yoga:  a very focused, precise form of yoga.  Teachers use “props” such as blocks and belts to help you into position.  Good if you want the benefits without too much “weird stuff”.  Not my game but is very popular.

Yoga therapy:  therapeutic form of yoga with a medical background.  Will usually offer classes for specific problems and conditions, ie back pain, arthritis, asthma, pregnancy.  Individual tuition usually available.  The best choice if you have a medical condition.

Sivananda yoga:  gentle yet pure form of yoga based around 12 key postures.  Has a strong spiritual element (often includes chanting and meditation). 

Dru yoga:  a very gentle, holistic approach which uses graceful flowing movement sequences.  Said to release negative thought patterns, energy blocks and deep-seated trauma.   

Ashtanga vinyasa yoga:  so-called “power yoga” which uses a specific breathing technique and sequences of postures carried out at far greater speed than other forms.  It’s an intense workout and not suitable for beginners. Paul does a variation of this called vinyasa flow (and also incorporates other types of yoga – many teachers blend their own fusions).

Bikram yoga:  intense and highly athletic, the yoga studio is heated to temperatures of 100 degrees to allow students to stretch that bit further.  Again, not ideal for beginners.

The British Wheel of Yoga:  www.bwy.org.uk

Needless to say, I rave about yoga in most of my health books.  Many are now available in e-format for Kindle (at a fraction of the hardback or paperback price). Check out my author page at Amazon here. 

Do you really have to exercise? Of course not.

I’m pretty sure that, if I didn’t exercise, I would go crazy. Cos when you’re working out hard, you simply don’t have the capacity to churn stuff over in your head.  Yes, I do a lot of exercise already but I’d love to do more. Why?  Because it not only cuts out the mental crap but it makes me feel good, really good. I love the way muscles appear out of fat; and I love the sheer endorphin high I get when I'm in the 'zone'.  I can be feeling as miserable as sin, as low as low can go and getting up and going out to exercise can feel like the last thing I want to do. But it's much easier just to slump on the sofa, right? Or stick your paw in the cookie jar to blunt your feelings. So really, I push myself out there because I know damn well that exercise will sort me out - for a little while at least. :-)

And there's a good reason why.  We weren't meant to be couch potatoes.  We weren’t designed to sit for ten hours a day behind a computer screen and then slump for the evening in front of a television.   Our bodies were designed to move, to work, to be fit and active.  In the past most of us would have relied on the earth for our livelihood and our daily bread - days would have been spent in the open, working physically very hard.   Nowadays our daily bread tends to come from the supermarket (and is full of crap but let's not go there for the moment) and so we need to find other, more artificial ways, to keep active and fit. 

kettlebells really tone muscle

Do you really have to exercise? Of course not.  You don't have to do anything. But if you want to live longer and in better health, it's not a bad idea to give it a whirl. Exercising regularly allegedly reduces your risk of early death by a pretty impressive seventy per cent.   It keeps your lungs and heart working at optimum levels and prevents the dangers of heart disease.  Stress levels drop when you exercise and your mood naturally elevates.  Regular exercise can even help you sleep and perk up your sex life.  

On a more prosaic note it can control your blood pressure and boost your immune system.  Some physiologists even reckon it can increase your creativity.  On the other hand, if you don't exercise you will be putting yourself in danger of heart and artery disease; your muscles and bones could develop problems; you could find yourself prone to gastrointestinal problems and you will be more likely to suffer nervous or emotional upsets and illnesses. 

But - and it's a big but - it has to be enjoyable.  Enjoyable exercise sound like an oxymoron?  Nah. It doesn't have to be. The good news is that you don't have to live down the gym or run for hours every day. But it’s worth doing some form of exercise regularly.

weights do NOT bulk you out. 

The main problem is that people take up forms of exercise they don't enjoy, they aren't naturally good at or that they feel they should do and so they get bored, disillusioned and give up.  The key to making exercise work for you is to find something you actually enjoy - not what you feel you should do but what you would really like to do.  

So you don't have to race out and buy on-line skates when you have absolutely no sense of balance and are terrified of speed.  And you don't have to do Zumba because all your friends do or play squash because your husband wants some practice.  People fork out a small fortune on gym memberships only to find they hate pumping iron and they loathe spinning.  Before you join a club test it out for a while - any club worth its salt will offer trial memberships for a month or so. 

Throughout my book The Natural Year I give ideas on how to incorporate exercise into your life and suggestions on different things to try.  But for now, just try something...anything.

 

Take a look at your local sports centre – where I used to live the local one offered  everything from trampolining to five-a-side football, from ballroom dancing to table tennis (and it was only a small rural centre).  Think about the sports you enjoyed in school - are there any you'd like to take up again?  Netball can be good fun, or volleyball or softball - if you like team games.  Or get back into badminton or squash or tennis.  Many adults take up gymnastics or ballet again and love it without the peer pressure of youth - or learn something new like (ye gods) golf.   The key issue is fun.  You don't have to be brilliant or the best - you just need to do it and enjoy it.  A friend of mine has taken up belly-dancing and adores it.  She reckons she's the worst belly-dancer ever but doesn't give a toss. And if one thing doesn't work out, try something else. Sometimes you have to ferret around a bit to find what works for you. You might have the right sport but the wrong class, the wrong teacher - it's a real case of horses for courses. Just don't give up, okay? 

Physically unable to exercise? Try qigong (chi kung) – you can even do it sitting in a chair – and it still gives great results.  Broke?  Walking, running, wild swimming don’t cost a penny. 

KEEPING MOTIVATION HIGH

In order to keep exercising you have to keep your motivation high.

* Be realistic about your size shape and body shape.  Hordes of exercisers lose heart because however hard they work they don't end up looking like supermodels.  Dump unrealistic role models ‑ these people spend hours, and a small fortune in personal trainer bills, to look that way.  Plus your body type might be against you (I discuss this more in the book and will try to put up a blog post on it soon). 

* Start slowly.  You shouldn't try to change your exercise habits overnight or you will become demotivated because you don't see changes happening immediately.  Make gradual changes to your lifestyle and they will become a permanent way of life without any special effort.

* Break through the one week barrier.  Yup, just one week. Sports psychologists promise that if you can get past the first week, you've passed the period in which half the drop-outs occur. Needless to say, this means exercising more than once a week. :-)  If you manage to work out regularly for six months, you're likely to have created a longlasting habit.

* Try to get a friend involved.  Exercising with someone else is the supreme motivator.  Sportsmen and women have coaches, most super‑fit actresses and models have their own personal trainers and if you've got the funds, a personal trainer will undoubtedly get you moving. However a good mate will often do as well. It is much easier to stick to a regular exercise schedule if you know that someone else is waiting for you in the park, the gym or the pool. 

    Adapted from my book The Natural Year – a seasonal guideto holistic health and beauty, in which I talk about my belief that we can all live more balanced lives if we work with the forces of nature, rather than pitting ourselves against them.  Now updated and available for Kindle at Amazon.com and Amazon.co.uk  

Anyone for rejuvenation?

Right now I’m missing my favourite forms of exercise.  Classes close over Christmas; so does the gym.  No Zumba, no kettlebells, no supersets.  I love exercising with other people – it makes me work that bit harder; it pushes me; it gets my competitive edge going.  But, hey ho, needs must and if I’m thrown back on my own devices, so be it. 

Way back I said I’d talk about yoga and I will.  In fact, let’s start with Tibetan yoga.  Five deceptively  simple exercises that promise to give you vitality and wellbeing; longevity and rejuvenation. Nice huh?   I discovered them way back when and did experiment with them but never made them a regular part of my regime. Then MaSte talked about them in the Labyrinth, said he did them every day, and so I dug out my old book and had another go. They’re good; they’re damn good. Actually they’re damn tough to begin with but you can take them at your own pace and gradually build up to the recommended 21 repetitions.

Sooo.  What’s the story?  Legend held that a hidden monastery deep inside Tibet zealously guarded a secret of everlasting youth and remarkable rejuvenation.  Then, in the early part of the last century, a frail and elderly retired military officer, named Colonel Bradford, journeyed to Tibet in search of the rumoured “Fountain of Youth”.  He found the monastery and was surprised to find that the magical rites were no more than five simple exercises, based mainly on yoga.  They were easy to learn and only took only around 15 minutes a day to perform.  But the effects were incredible.  When Colonel Bradford returned to the West his friends simply did not recognise him - he looked half his age. 

How can such a simple routine prove so effective?  Esoterically speaking the five rites are based on balancing the chakras, the seven  swirling vortices of  subtle energy located roughly along the spinal column. They are also connected with various glands in the body. The first (lowest) chakra centres on the reproductive glands; the second on the pancreas; the third on the adrenal glands; the fourth on the thymus; the fifth on the thyroid; the sixth on the pineal and the seventh and highest on the pituitary gland.  The five Tibetan rites stimulate the flow of energy throughout the body and encourage the chakras to function at peak capacity.  Mind and body are brought into harmony.   When we are young and full of vitality, our chakras all spin at the same, very high, speed.  As we get older, stress, unhealthy lifestyle choices and emotional distress all take their toll and the chakras no longer work in harmony but start to spin out of synchronisation, eventually causing disease, decay and other symptoms of ageing.   The five rites are designed to persuade your chakras to click back into gear once more. 

But hey, even if you don’t believe in chakras, even if you’re making those little whirling circles with your forefinger round by your head (which, incidentally, is giving your crown chakra a mini workout) there is little doubt that the exercises would still have far-reaching benefits on both body and mind.  They provide the body with a programme of deep but gentle stretching that can help keep both the spine and its supporting muscles supple. 

They cost nothing to do and you don’t have to stir out of your living room.  Yes, some are tough to begin with but start off slowly and gradually build up strength and stamina.  However if you have a bad back or serious health problems, check with a qualified yoga teacher or physiotherapist before embarking on them.  They are pretty challenging for the back so take it easy until you build up strength.

THE FIVE RITES

Ideally, perform the five rites first thing in the morning as they are highly energizing.  Wear loose comfortable clothes and work on a yoga mat if you can.  Eventually you will perform each exercise twenty-one times.  However to begin with, aim for ten or twelve repetitions of each move.  Make sure you breathe fully during each exercise.  Allow yourself a few moments in between each rite.  Simply stand quietly, with your hands on your hips and breathe in, through the nose and out through the mouth.  Repeat and then move on to the next rite.

Once you’re comfortable with the rites you can perform them two or three times a day if you wish.

THE FIRST RITE:  Spinning.  Simply stand erect with your arms outstretched, horizontal to the floor.  Now, spin around until you feel slightly dizzy.  Make sure you are spinning clockwise, from left to right.  Don’t be surprised if you can only manage half a dozen spins to begin with - with time you will be able to build up your spinning.

Tip: before you begin to spin, focus your vision on a single point straight ahead.  As you begin to turn, hold your vision on that point for as long as possible and then refocus on the point as soon as possible.

THE SECOND RITE:  Lie on your back with your palms resting on the floor.  Inhale and gently pull your chin towards your chest (as if you were doing an abdominal crunch), at the same time as you point your toes and lift both legs straight up, keeping your lower back pressed against the floor.  Now exhale as you slowly lower your legs and head to the starting position.  Rest and then repeat. 

Tip:  this will be difficult unless you have very strong abdominal muscles.  Try lifting your legs in a bent position to begin with.

THE THIRD RITE:  Kneel  with the balls of your feet on the floor and your knees about four inches apart.  Place your hands behind you with the palms resting against the tops of your legs, just below the buttocks.  Keep your back straight, and allow your head to drop forward so that your chin is resting against your chest.  Now, inhale through the nose and arch your back, pulling your shoulders back, and lifting your head up and back.  This will open the chest.  Hold for a few seconds and then exhale and return to the starting position.  Repeat. 

Tip:  take in as deep a breath as you can, to expand your lungs fully.  Be careful and take it slowly.  Don’t overstretch or strain.

THE FOURTH RITE:  Sit with your legs in front of you, your palms on the floor and your fingers facing forward.  Rest your chin against your chest.  Inhale, and lift your buttocks and let your head drop back so that, in one smooth move, you’ve straightened your body from shoulders to knees to make a table.  Your feet should be about six inches apart, your knees bent at right angles and your chest and abdomen parallel to the floor.  Your arms are straight.  Contract the muscles in your legs, buttocks, and abdomen and hold for a few seconds.  Exhale, return to the starting position and repeat. 

Tip:  Keep your breathing steady and relaxed through this movement.  If you feel out of breath, stop and rest.

THE FIFTH RITE:  Lie face down, and push your torso up so you’re supporting yourself on your hands, as if you’re in an extended push-up/cobra position.  Both hands and feet should be about shoulder-width apart.  Only the palms of your hands and the balls of your feet should be touching the floor.  Tilt your head back and arch your back so that you’re looking up and ahead.  Now inhale and lift your hips straight up so your legs and spine are both in a straight line and your body forms a perfect triangle with the floor (downward dog).  Hold for a few seconds, then exhale and return to the starting push-up position and repeat.

Tip:   If you have back problems try a modified version:  start in the push-up position and then move your buttocks back as you inhale until they are almost resting on your heels.  Lower your head towards your chest and keep your arms straight. 

Actually, there is also a sixth rite.  But it’s all about transmuting sexual energy and I think we’ll leave that for a later date, eh?  There’s enough here already to be going on with… J

For more information read Tibetan Secrets of Youth and Vitality by Peter Kelder (HarperCollins)

There are plenty of demonstrations of the Tibetans on YouTube. Some (like the example below) are very fast and energetic. I have always performed them quite slowly, meditatively but I guess it’s up to you. This video shows them clearly but the chap demonstrating isn’t terribly aesthetic – though, of course, he’s not doing badly for someone who’s 150!   

If he’s too off-putting, try her instead… J  The stretches inbetween help a fair bit…

 

Move it, shake it (more weight loss shenanigans)

www.wisewellwoman.com

There is a whole host more to talk about with regard to food/not food, drink/not drink but let’s leave that to one side for the moment.  There was also another big factor or six that kicked my issues with food right into touch but I don’t want to scare you off too soon.  So let’s stick to the tangible stuff for now.  Baby steps, eh?

Next step (ho ho)...  Exercise.

Truly our bodies are built to move. We weren’t designed to sit at desks all day; to slump on sofas. If you want to be fit and healthy, to be strong and slim, you don’t just need to look at what you put into your body but also how you use it; at calories out as well as calories in. 

*sigh* Maybe in my next life, eh?  :)

I’ve had a love-hate relationship with exercise all my life.  When I was at school I used to dread Wednesdays with every ounce of my eleven-year old being. Wednesday meant gym and gym meant ritual humiliation in front of thirty-odd classmates. Try as I might, I couldn’t do a handstand, let alone a cartwheel (though, weird thing, I can do them perfectly in my head).  The vault could have been a skyscraper. None of it helped, of course, by having to wear thick navy cotton knickers (oh guys, come on! How could you do that to teenage girls??) 

So, despite being a pretty good squash player and quite nifty on the netball court; despite cycling up killer hills and doing extreme outdoor challenges in the mountains, I dubbed myself a failure at sport. I’m willing to bet I’m not the only one and that many of us cite school sport fear and loathing as part of the reason why we don't do any exercise at all.

BIG MISTAKE.

Seriously.  I said I wasn’t going to lecture and that I wasn’t going to tell you what to do but honestly, if you want to look and feel great, you simply gotta get moving. One way or another. I don’t care what you do – just do something!  C’mon, you don’t need me to tell you why. Exercise keeps our hearts and lungs working as they should and helps prevent cardio-vascular disease. Stress levels plummet after a good hard workout or game of sport (stress hormone levels are allowed to return to their resting levels and feelgood hormones are boosted).  Regular exercise helps control blood pressure; boosts our immune system; keeps a whole pile of diseases at arms’ length; soothes our sleep patterns and boosts our sex lives. Weight-bearing exercise can help stave off osteoporosis and so on and so forth.

And yes, if you’re using up calories with exercise it’s far easier to lose weight. 

If you Google my husband's name, this comes up!

Honestly, there really aren’t many good reasons or excuses for not exercising. A few health conditions make it difficult (and in some cases impossible) but generally a good fitness instructor can tailor a routine for pretty much anyone.  Some systems – like chi gung for example – can even be adapted for people who can’t get out of a chair. Can’t afford the gym or fitness classes? Walking, running, dancing, swimming in the wild, playing games with your children are all free. 

But anyhow, it’s up to you. All I can say is that it works for me. What I did in this past crazy year was to try out a whole bunch of stuff, to find out, for the first time, what I really enjoyed doing.  First stop was the gym.  We have a (tiny) gym here in Dulverton, literally two minutes from the house, yet I’d never been.  Why?  I dunno.  So I started getting my cardio fitness back on the bike, on the cross-trainer, the rower, the treadmill.  Got back to lifting weights.  It was tough at first but I took it slow, had a programme I followed, and gradually it got easier.  I'm lucky in that my mate Trisha works there and she loves nothing more than challenging us to do new stuff - like the form of extreme masochism that goes under the name of TRX and the frothy joy of super sets. Can I promise you something?  Gyms aren't scary. Really - not the good ones. And, as Frankie points out, you won't go bulky by using weights - it's a fallacy.

No! It won't! www.stumptuous.com - check it out

But I also love working out with other people, to music, so I added in some classes.  After a bit of trial and error (nope, I will never be a belly dancer and nope I still hate jazz so jazzercise is not an option; circuits are okay; Pilates so-so) I found the mix that worked for me. 

TRX - this is EVIL! But fun... :)

So now I do Zumba twice a week because it is, quite simply, the best fun ever. It’s a great all-body workout, sexy as hell, and it’s the one and only thing that has ever really sorted out for good and proper the back pain I used to get from spending most of  my day hunched over a desk.  Then I do Kettlercise twice a week too – usually outdoors by the river – because slinging a kettlebell is also great fun as well as a stunning workout and we have one helluva laugh.  Then, of course, I walk the SP and Exmoor isn’t exactly known for being flat so that’s a workout in itself.

Yes, I do a lot of exercise.  At least an hour a day; more if I can.  I’ll use any chance I can to get my body moving. On the rare occasions I cook or do housework, I shove on some dance music and fling myself around. On the rare occasions I watch TV I usually sit on the fitball and do a few weights while I’m there.  Or I get down on the carpet and plonk myself into Plank in front of the fire. J

Why? Because I enjoy it and I love how it makes me feel. I can get high as a kite on endorphins when I exercise. Crazy high. Better than any drink or drugs. Honesty also compels me to say I love how it makes me look.  Cutting calories in food will make you lose weight; it may make you slim. But exercise will make you toned.  And, by heck, do I love toned.  As I’ve said before, I don’t want a skinny body; I want a seriously strong, sensual body.  Working out has given me seriously toned muscles.  Go on, have a prod - my thighs are rock-hard!  Okay, so I’m not totally there yet – the washboard stomach is still more in my head than in my abs.  But one day…

What does my quasi-guru do? He's far more of a back to basics guy: he runs, swims and plays extreme Mario Kart with his son. Plus yoga (which is worth a whole post all to itself, so that is what it will get). Plus something else which we’ll talk about in more detail in a day or so... J 


btw, do read the comments - Frankie has added a lot of really useful links that you may like to follow...  Thanks, Frankie. xx

It's not all about size zero, you know

‘It’s not all about being bloody size zero, you know, Jane,’ said the woman in the pub, stabbing her finger at me. ‘All this diet and exercise stuff you do; it’s not where it’s at. It doesn’t make you happy, you know.’ 

Now, admittedly she was very VERY drunk but it did rather take me aback because she sounded really angry. And it got me thinking.  Yes, I’ve lost a lot of weight over the last year – nigh on fifty pounds.  But it was never about being stick thin; it certainly wasn’t about being size zero (not that I’m anywhere close).  It was simply about not killing myself with food anymore.  I’m still not totally balanced out but I’m getting better; I’m trying.

The exercise stuff I just found I liked. I tried a lot of things and some worked for me; some didn’t. As my pal and fitness instructor Trisha always says, unless you find something you enjoy, you won’t stick with it; it won’t become part of your life.  I enjoy walking the SP cos it frees my head and gets me out in the fields or up in the woods, stroking the trees, kissing the sky, whispering to the river.  And I love yoga cos it shifts my perspective and makes me feel sooooo stretched.  Zumba, oh Zumba, I adore because it’s tough but fun and I can lose myself in the music and, shit, it’s just sexy as hell - plus I haven’t had a day’s backache since I started (cos it shimmies you out like nothing else).  When it comes to the gym, let’s be honest, I spent most of my time chatting with Trisha and when the house is cold, the gym is warm and I can scribble notes on the exercise bike.  Kettlercise?  Well, slugging kettlebells around just  makes me feel…strong.

Yeah, strong.  I love that I have well-defined muscles now – that if I flex my arm I can see those twin mythical beasts, biceps and triceps; that my quads ripple a bit when I walk.  Let’s be very clear here, I’m not talking muscle-bound Ms Universe stuff – just a bit of toned lean muscle.  I’m not entirely there yet and I’m pretty sure my stomach will never be a washboard but I’m starting to feel comfortable in my skin for the first time that I can remember.

But that word - strong.  It took me back to Israel and a woman we met at the Daniel Rowing Centre in Tel Aviv.  Her name was (and, as far I know, still is) Moran Samuel. She was an athlete (a talented basketball player) and a student.  Then, when she was 24, she had a stroke, clean out of the blue, and became paralysed from the chest down.  Suddenly her life was turned upside down and she headed into rehab. Did she give up?  Did she hell.  She went and qualified as a physical therapist, working with children with disabilities.  She returned to playing basketball (in her wheelchair) with the men’s Paralympic team and then, as if she hadn’t already achieved enough, she took up rowing and has recently won a bronze medal in the World Rowing Championship and has a ticket to the 2012 Paralympics. If you want to read her story in words far more eloquent than mine, do visit the Vibe Israel blog here where Sally Whittle tells her story. 

She was wearing a t-shirt when we met her that said simply:

Strong is the new beautiful. 

I like that message. And it struck me it’s one that might not be bad to impart to our children.  Because, while I may not be after a size zero body, a helluva lot of teenage girls are.  And boys aren’t immune either.  They’re trying to disappear, to vanish somehow. Young bodies need to grow strong, they need the nutrients a good healthy diet gives.  We ain’t gonna stop the glossy magazines and fashion designers peddling anorectic models, however much we may wish they would – so it has to come from us as parents.  How do you do it?  I dunno.  Be careful about the messages you give out maybe?  I just wish someone or other had gently nudged me into exercise when I was fourteen, instead of sticking me on a starvation diet.

So no. I know that a size zero body doesn’t bring happiness to anyone.  I know that dieting and exercise doesn’t make one happy per se either.  Happiness is a curious concept and not, to my feeling, a process so much as a glimpse - a moment, a song on the wind, a tug in the heart, a tingle in the gut.  Or maybe not even a noun but a verb – a happying.  But while I wait for my lovely happyings – and come they do – I think I’ll settle for trying strong.  When I'm not feeling weak.  :) What you reckon?

btw, if you live around Exmoor you might like to come along to a day's bootcamp I'm doing with Trisha and another local fitness instructor, Nicola.  See here for details...

Wart charmers, warlocks and sex with entities

Sometimes life feels so predictable.  It’s like we’re those little wooden figures in schmaltzy cuckoo clocks that toddle out, bang one another over the head, and then wobble back in again, only to do it all over again the next hour, day, week, whatever. 

Friday. Zumba. Regular as clockwork. Yawn. Except not really cos it still gets me going.  The first ten minutes are a little like bad sex – you’re going through the motions with one eye on the clock and your mind pondering the relative merits of broad beans or peas in risotto.  But then something switches; the body goes on auto-pilot and the mind floats, blissfully off into the rhythm and far away out into the cosmos.  So, like good sex really. 

Anyway.  Afterwards I was quietly dripping sweat in the car park and chatting to my friend Caz whom I haven’t seen for aeons about how to deal with sleep paralysis (you know, that feeling of being pressed down into the bed and not being able to breathe). 
‘Heck, you need a banishing ritual,’ I said.  As you do.
‘Nah,’ she said. ‘I found another way.’ And she looked shifty, and a little smug.
‘What?’

‘I…ummm…’
‘You didn’t!’
‘I did…’ 
‘You had sex with it?’ 
She grinned.

‘You lucky cow!’

‘Don’t you dare tell anyone!’

'I wouldn’t dream of it…’

And we were laughing our heads off when out came Daisy, in the skimpiest dress going, pentacles dangling from her ears, followed by an enormous man wearing some kind of amulet round his neck. And it struck me, with total delight, that here we were – three witches and one very large warlock – in a car park in sleepy Brushford.  See, Liz Jones, you don’t know the half of what goes on in your village...

‘Nice,’ I said, pointing at his necklace.

'It’s Sir Gawain’s glyph,’ he replied. (occult footnote:  in the legend of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, Gawain has a pentagram inscribed on his shield, symbolising the five knightly virtues of generosity, courtesy, chastity, chivalry and piety)
He pointed at my necklace.
‘Nice,’ he said.
‘It’s a Gate Opener,’ I replied and he nodded. 

If people are elements this guy was all Earth.  Really he should have been dressed in full-on Celtic warrior gear, all leather straps and a whacking great broadsword or an axe.  I was slightly lost in re-dressing him when I realised they were talking about warts.

‘He’s a wart charmer, you know,’ said Daisy.   

Caz was proffering her hand.  ‘I’m not sure if it’s a wart of not,’ she said.  Shameless hussy, first she’s shagging entities and now she’s offering up her warts to any old warlock. He grabbed her mitt and spat at it, rubbing in the spittle and holding it tight, gazing sharply at her. ‘Don’t look at ‘im…don’t you look at ‘im!’

‘I won’t..’ she said, shaking her head. Smart girl, you don’t argue with ten foot Celtic warlocks.

‘If ‘e be a wart, ‘e’ll be gone.  Give ‘im three weeks.’
‘I haven’t got any warts,’ I said, sadly.  ‘Just partying entities. Oh, and Lizzy says I’ve got a grabber on the stairs.’
Sir Gawain nodded seriously, as if I’d just said ‘I’ve got a new dishwasher’ or ‘awful weather we’re having’.
‘No,’ he said firmly.  ‘Don’t worry. ‘ee won’t hurt you.  Talk to ‘im. Tell ‘im to push off now; to move along.’
Hmm. That’s what Lizzy had said.

‘We should really get going,’ said Daisy, looking at the moon. 
‘Overdue for a ritual?’
‘Nah, we’ve got a table booked at the pub.’

Sir Gawain nodded and held out a hand the size of a small shovel. ‘It was nice to meet you,’ he said, perfectly polite and formal.  I took his hand and he gazed right into my eyes, like he was scanning my hard-drive.
‘You’re alright, you know,’ he said finally. ‘And it’s gone now.’  
I nodded.  As you do. We said our goodbyes and I drove home.

‘You’re late,’ said Adrian as I climbed up the (curiously quiet stairs). 'I thought you'd gone down the pub.'

'Nah. Met a wart charmer in the car park,’ I said.

‘Nice,’ he said.  ‘Fancy curried vegetable fritters?’

‘I prefer warlocks,’ I said. 
‘Charming,’ he replied.  And shook the frying pan.