I'll kill you if you die on me...

I’m wrecked. Shattered. Knackered. Every muscle in my entire body is aching.  And that’s good, really good.  If you want to get fit, if you want to get fitter, you have to keep challenging yourself.  Bodies are smart – they adapt very quickly.  If you stay doing the same exercise regime, week in, week out, your muscles will get used to it, you won’t progress.  Anyhow, doing the same thing all the time is boring. 

When my favourite classes closed down, initially I felt seriously pissed off.  But when one door closes, another opens.  You gotta keep trying new things, right?  You gotta keep an open mind.

So I fetched up at Sizzling Step.  Copied the others, getting out the gear.  Stayed near the back so it wouldn't be too obvious I didn't know what I was doing.  

'Hi,' I said brightly to the two twenty-somethings next to me.

'Hi,' they said. 

'So, is this fun? I'm new.'

They looked at one another, slight frowns on their perfect foreheads.

'You haven't done it before?'

'Absolutely not.'

'Have you done any of Debbie's step classes before?'

'Nope.'

That look again. 

'Er, is something wrong?'

'Nooo.  Just, it's a pretty advanced class.'  

Oh.

It started off so well.  Up and down, up and down, up and down. Kick to the side, knee repeater...blah blah.  Pussies. What where they on about?  

'Okay, now we're all warmed up, let's GO!' said Debbie, cranking up the music.

Oh shit.

Now I'm pretty coordinated and I'm relatively fit but bugger me sideways no way could I fathom this.  They were sort of dancing over and around their damn steps, spinning like tops. 

I sort of made it though but after class I had a chat with Debbie.

'It's not really my thing,' I said.

'Try Step and Sweat,' she said.  'You could do Zumba first so it would be a two-hour workout. You'd love it.' 

'Good idea,' I said. Cos, see, everyone's different.  You gotta try these things to find out if they're for you or not.  And, if not, you don't give up, you just try something else.  

So, goodbye Pilates and Zumba Tone; hello Zumba something else and Step and Sweat.  Goodbye Wednesdays, hello Mondays.  Two hours of full-on cardio and conditioning, with weights.  Now I’m pretty strong, what will all the kettlebelling, so I plumped for the heaviest hand weights.  It was only as we were well into the warm-up that I realized I was the only one with the heavy duty buggers.  After about ten minutes, I realized why.  But by then it was too late – I’d have broken my neck trying to navigate through a class of people bounding up and down steps waving weights around.  So I stuck with it and… owwwwwww.  I haven’t sweated like that since I started Zumba, over two years ago. 

But it will get easier.  It’s always tough at the beginning.  You just have to push yourself through that initial resistance.  Why do it?  Because bodies are made to move, they’re designed to be active.  Yeah, I know that the healthiest, fittest people can drop dead of a heart attack and that the biggest slobs can eat, drink and smoke their way to revoltingly robust old age but, hey, if you can exercise (and I accept that not everyone can) isn’t it crazy not to help your odds?  The heart is a muscle – it needs to be given a workout on a regular basis.  Our bones aren’t made for sitting around either and avoiding weight bearing exercise can leave you with the risk of osteoporosis in later life.  I dunno – I don’t want to go round town in an invalid carriage and I don’t want to have a heart attack (way too many of those going on around me right now – way, way too many.

If you know you've got a health issue, you can get a GP referral for exercise. My pal Trish does them round here and has got all sorts of people exercising (and loving it) regardless of their age and health concerns.  

If you want to lose weight exercise really is your friend.  Muscle weighs heavier than fat but it also burns way more calories.  I have watched people literally change shape at the classes I go to – one woman has lost seven stone so far.  That's 98 pounds.  She’s taken up running now.  She finds it tough but, by heck, she’s sticking in there; she's doing it.

But, more than any of that, exercise makes me feel good.  As long-term readers of this blog will know, I have a really unpleasant cur of a black dog that nips my heel.  Adrian calls it ‘thinking too much’.  Stupid name for a dog, if you ask me.  But three things act like a choke chain on the brute – meditation, laughter and bloody hard exercise.  Last few weeks…months actually…have been pretty tough – those three keep my nose above water. 

Anyhow. Where was I?  Oh yes, wimpering quietly in the corner wondering if I’ll make it through kettlebells in church tonight.  Yes, we are probably the only kettlebell group in the country (if not the world) who swing our bells in the aisles.  It’s pretty cool actually.  Almost as cool as doing it down by the river on Sunday mornings,  watched by ducks. 

So. Please. If you possibly can, do exercise. You know I don't believe in telling people what to do but, honestly, I love you lot and I don’t want you upping and dying on me. Seriously, I may have to kill you if you do. 

Find a class or an activity or a sport that appeals (even if only just a little bit).  Or get out and do the running thingy with me.  Honestly, it’s not that evil.  We’re starting slow, remember – 90 seconds running, 30 seconds walking for now.  Half an hour, three times a week.  That’s all.  Lecture over.   

Anyone for rejuvenation?

Right now I’m missing my favourite forms of exercise.  Classes close over Christmas; so does the gym.  No Zumba, no kettlebells, no supersets.  I love exercising with other people – it makes me work that bit harder; it pushes me; it gets my competitive edge going.  But, hey ho, needs must and if I’m thrown back on my own devices, so be it. 

Way back I said I’d talk about yoga and I will.  In fact, let’s start with Tibetan yoga.  Five deceptively  simple exercises that promise to give you vitality and wellbeing; longevity and rejuvenation. Nice huh?   I discovered them way back when and did experiment with them but never made them a regular part of my regime. Then MaSte talked about them in the Labyrinth, said he did them every day, and so I dug out my old book and had another go. They’re good; they’re damn good. Actually they’re damn tough to begin with but you can take them at your own pace and gradually build up to the recommended 21 repetitions.

Sooo.  What’s the story?  Legend held that a hidden monastery deep inside Tibet zealously guarded a secret of everlasting youth and remarkable rejuvenation.  Then, in the early part of the last century, a frail and elderly retired military officer, named Colonel Bradford, journeyed to Tibet in search of the rumoured “Fountain of Youth”.  He found the monastery and was surprised to find that the magical rites were no more than five simple exercises, based mainly on yoga.  They were easy to learn and only took only around 15 minutes a day to perform.  But the effects were incredible.  When Colonel Bradford returned to the West his friends simply did not recognise him - he looked half his age. 

How can such a simple routine prove so effective?  Esoterically speaking the five rites are based on balancing the chakras, the seven  swirling vortices of  subtle energy located roughly along the spinal column. They are also connected with various glands in the body. The first (lowest) chakra centres on the reproductive glands; the second on the pancreas; the third on the adrenal glands; the fourth on the thymus; the fifth on the thyroid; the sixth on the pineal and the seventh and highest on the pituitary gland.  The five Tibetan rites stimulate the flow of energy throughout the body and encourage the chakras to function at peak capacity.  Mind and body are brought into harmony.   When we are young and full of vitality, our chakras all spin at the same, very high, speed.  As we get older, stress, unhealthy lifestyle choices and emotional distress all take their toll and the chakras no longer work in harmony but start to spin out of synchronisation, eventually causing disease, decay and other symptoms of ageing.   The five rites are designed to persuade your chakras to click back into gear once more. 

But hey, even if you don’t believe in chakras, even if you’re making those little whirling circles with your forefinger round by your head (which, incidentally, is giving your crown chakra a mini workout) there is little doubt that the exercises would still have far-reaching benefits on both body and mind.  They provide the body with a programme of deep but gentle stretching that can help keep both the spine and its supporting muscles supple. 

They cost nothing to do and you don’t have to stir out of your living room.  Yes, some are tough to begin with but start off slowly and gradually build up strength and stamina.  However if you have a bad back or serious health problems, check with a qualified yoga teacher or physiotherapist before embarking on them.  They are pretty challenging for the back so take it easy until you build up strength.

THE FIVE RITES

Ideally, perform the five rites first thing in the morning as they are highly energizing.  Wear loose comfortable clothes and work on a yoga mat if you can.  Eventually you will perform each exercise twenty-one times.  However to begin with, aim for ten or twelve repetitions of each move.  Make sure you breathe fully during each exercise.  Allow yourself a few moments in between each rite.  Simply stand quietly, with your hands on your hips and breathe in, through the nose and out through the mouth.  Repeat and then move on to the next rite.

Once you’re comfortable with the rites you can perform them two or three times a day if you wish.

THE FIRST RITE:  Spinning.  Simply stand erect with your arms outstretched, horizontal to the floor.  Now, spin around until you feel slightly dizzy.  Make sure you are spinning clockwise, from left to right.  Don’t be surprised if you can only manage half a dozen spins to begin with - with time you will be able to build up your spinning.

Tip: before you begin to spin, focus your vision on a single point straight ahead.  As you begin to turn, hold your vision on that point for as long as possible and then refocus on the point as soon as possible.

THE SECOND RITE:  Lie on your back with your palms resting on the floor.  Inhale and gently pull your chin towards your chest (as if you were doing an abdominal crunch), at the same time as you point your toes and lift both legs straight up, keeping your lower back pressed against the floor.  Now exhale as you slowly lower your legs and head to the starting position.  Rest and then repeat. 

Tip:  this will be difficult unless you have very strong abdominal muscles.  Try lifting your legs in a bent position to begin with.

THE THIRD RITE:  Kneel  with the balls of your feet on the floor and your knees about four inches apart.  Place your hands behind you with the palms resting against the tops of your legs, just below the buttocks.  Keep your back straight, and allow your head to drop forward so that your chin is resting against your chest.  Now, inhale through the nose and arch your back, pulling your shoulders back, and lifting your head up and back.  This will open the chest.  Hold for a few seconds and then exhale and return to the starting position.  Repeat. 

Tip:  take in as deep a breath as you can, to expand your lungs fully.  Be careful and take it slowly.  Don’t overstretch or strain.

THE FOURTH RITE:  Sit with your legs in front of you, your palms on the floor and your fingers facing forward.  Rest your chin against your chest.  Inhale, and lift your buttocks and let your head drop back so that, in one smooth move, you’ve straightened your body from shoulders to knees to make a table.  Your feet should be about six inches apart, your knees bent at right angles and your chest and abdomen parallel to the floor.  Your arms are straight.  Contract the muscles in your legs, buttocks, and abdomen and hold for a few seconds.  Exhale, return to the starting position and repeat. 

Tip:  Keep your breathing steady and relaxed through this movement.  If you feel out of breath, stop and rest.

THE FIFTH RITE:  Lie face down, and push your torso up so you’re supporting yourself on your hands, as if you’re in an extended push-up/cobra position.  Both hands and feet should be about shoulder-width apart.  Only the palms of your hands and the balls of your feet should be touching the floor.  Tilt your head back and arch your back so that you’re looking up and ahead.  Now inhale and lift your hips straight up so your legs and spine are both in a straight line and your body forms a perfect triangle with the floor (downward dog).  Hold for a few seconds, then exhale and return to the starting push-up position and repeat.

Tip:   If you have back problems try a modified version:  start in the push-up position and then move your buttocks back as you inhale until they are almost resting on your heels.  Lower your head towards your chest and keep your arms straight. 

Actually, there is also a sixth rite.  But it’s all about transmuting sexual energy and I think we’ll leave that for a later date, eh?  There’s enough here already to be going on with… J

For more information read Tibetan Secrets of Youth and Vitality by Peter Kelder (HarperCollins)

There are plenty of demonstrations of the Tibetans on YouTube. Some (like the example below) are very fast and energetic. I have always performed them quite slowly, meditatively but I guess it’s up to you. This video shows them clearly but the chap demonstrating isn’t terribly aesthetic – though, of course, he’s not doing badly for someone who’s 150!   

If he’s too off-putting, try her instead… J  The stretches inbetween help a fair bit…

 

Move it, shake it (more weight loss shenanigans)

www.wisewellwoman.com

There is a whole host more to talk about with regard to food/not food, drink/not drink but let’s leave that to one side for the moment.  There was also another big factor or six that kicked my issues with food right into touch but I don’t want to scare you off too soon.  So let’s stick to the tangible stuff for now.  Baby steps, eh?

Next step (ho ho)...  Exercise.

Truly our bodies are built to move. We weren’t designed to sit at desks all day; to slump on sofas. If you want to be fit and healthy, to be strong and slim, you don’t just need to look at what you put into your body but also how you use it; at calories out as well as calories in. 

*sigh* Maybe in my next life, eh?  :)

I’ve had a love-hate relationship with exercise all my life.  When I was at school I used to dread Wednesdays with every ounce of my eleven-year old being. Wednesday meant gym and gym meant ritual humiliation in front of thirty-odd classmates. Try as I might, I couldn’t do a handstand, let alone a cartwheel (though, weird thing, I can do them perfectly in my head).  The vault could have been a skyscraper. None of it helped, of course, by having to wear thick navy cotton knickers (oh guys, come on! How could you do that to teenage girls??) 

So, despite being a pretty good squash player and quite nifty on the netball court; despite cycling up killer hills and doing extreme outdoor challenges in the mountains, I dubbed myself a failure at sport. I’m willing to bet I’m not the only one and that many of us cite school sport fear and loathing as part of the reason why we don't do any exercise at all.

BIG MISTAKE.

Seriously.  I said I wasn’t going to lecture and that I wasn’t going to tell you what to do but honestly, if you want to look and feel great, you simply gotta get moving. One way or another. I don’t care what you do – just do something!  C’mon, you don’t need me to tell you why. Exercise keeps our hearts and lungs working as they should and helps prevent cardio-vascular disease. Stress levels plummet after a good hard workout or game of sport (stress hormone levels are allowed to return to their resting levels and feelgood hormones are boosted).  Regular exercise helps control blood pressure; boosts our immune system; keeps a whole pile of diseases at arms’ length; soothes our sleep patterns and boosts our sex lives. Weight-bearing exercise can help stave off osteoporosis and so on and so forth.

And yes, if you’re using up calories with exercise it’s far easier to lose weight. 

If you Google my husband's name, this comes up!

Honestly, there really aren’t many good reasons or excuses for not exercising. A few health conditions make it difficult (and in some cases impossible) but generally a good fitness instructor can tailor a routine for pretty much anyone.  Some systems – like chi gung for example – can even be adapted for people who can’t get out of a chair. Can’t afford the gym or fitness classes? Walking, running, dancing, swimming in the wild, playing games with your children are all free. 

But anyhow, it’s up to you. All I can say is that it works for me. What I did in this past crazy year was to try out a whole bunch of stuff, to find out, for the first time, what I really enjoyed doing.  First stop was the gym.  We have a (tiny) gym here in Dulverton, literally two minutes from the house, yet I’d never been.  Why?  I dunno.  So I started getting my cardio fitness back on the bike, on the cross-trainer, the rower, the treadmill.  Got back to lifting weights.  It was tough at first but I took it slow, had a programme I followed, and gradually it got easier.  I'm lucky in that my mate Trisha works there and she loves nothing more than challenging us to do new stuff - like the form of extreme masochism that goes under the name of TRX and the frothy joy of super sets. Can I promise you something?  Gyms aren't scary. Really - not the good ones. And, as Frankie points out, you won't go bulky by using weights - it's a fallacy.

No! It won't! www.stumptuous.com - check it out

But I also love working out with other people, to music, so I added in some classes.  After a bit of trial and error (nope, I will never be a belly dancer and nope I still hate jazz so jazzercise is not an option; circuits are okay; Pilates so-so) I found the mix that worked for me. 

TRX - this is EVIL! But fun... :)

So now I do Zumba twice a week because it is, quite simply, the best fun ever. It’s a great all-body workout, sexy as hell, and it’s the one and only thing that has ever really sorted out for good and proper the back pain I used to get from spending most of  my day hunched over a desk.  Then I do Kettlercise twice a week too – usually outdoors by the river – because slinging a kettlebell is also great fun as well as a stunning workout and we have one helluva laugh.  Then, of course, I walk the SP and Exmoor isn’t exactly known for being flat so that’s a workout in itself.

Yes, I do a lot of exercise.  At least an hour a day; more if I can.  I’ll use any chance I can to get my body moving. On the rare occasions I cook or do housework, I shove on some dance music and fling myself around. On the rare occasions I watch TV I usually sit on the fitball and do a few weights while I’m there.  Or I get down on the carpet and plonk myself into Plank in front of the fire. J

Why? Because I enjoy it and I love how it makes me feel. I can get high as a kite on endorphins when I exercise. Crazy high. Better than any drink or drugs. Honesty also compels me to say I love how it makes me look.  Cutting calories in food will make you lose weight; it may make you slim. But exercise will make you toned.  And, by heck, do I love toned.  As I’ve said before, I don’t want a skinny body; I want a seriously strong, sensual body.  Working out has given me seriously toned muscles.  Go on, have a prod - my thighs are rock-hard!  Okay, so I’m not totally there yet – the washboard stomach is still more in my head than in my abs.  But one day…

What does my quasi-guru do? He's far more of a back to basics guy: he runs, swims and plays extreme Mario Kart with his son. Plus yoga (which is worth a whole post all to itself, so that is what it will get). Plus something else which we’ll talk about in more detail in a day or so... J 


btw, do read the comments - Frankie has added a lot of really useful links that you may like to follow...  Thanks, Frankie. xx

It's not all about size zero, you know

‘It’s not all about being bloody size zero, you know, Jane,’ said the woman in the pub, stabbing her finger at me. ‘All this diet and exercise stuff you do; it’s not where it’s at. It doesn’t make you happy, you know.’ 

Now, admittedly she was very VERY drunk but it did rather take me aback because she sounded really angry. And it got me thinking.  Yes, I’ve lost a lot of weight over the last year – nigh on fifty pounds.  But it was never about being stick thin; it certainly wasn’t about being size zero (not that I’m anywhere close).  It was simply about not killing myself with food anymore.  I’m still not totally balanced out but I’m getting better; I’m trying.

The exercise stuff I just found I liked. I tried a lot of things and some worked for me; some didn’t. As my pal and fitness instructor Trisha always says, unless you find something you enjoy, you won’t stick with it; it won’t become part of your life.  I enjoy walking the SP cos it frees my head and gets me out in the fields or up in the woods, stroking the trees, kissing the sky, whispering to the river.  And I love yoga cos it shifts my perspective and makes me feel sooooo stretched.  Zumba, oh Zumba, I adore because it’s tough but fun and I can lose myself in the music and, shit, it’s just sexy as hell - plus I haven’t had a day’s backache since I started (cos it shimmies you out like nothing else).  When it comes to the gym, let’s be honest, I spent most of my time chatting with Trisha and when the house is cold, the gym is warm and I can scribble notes on the exercise bike.  Kettlercise?  Well, slugging kettlebells around just  makes me feel…strong.

Yeah, strong.  I love that I have well-defined muscles now – that if I flex my arm I can see those twin mythical beasts, biceps and triceps; that my quads ripple a bit when I walk.  Let’s be very clear here, I’m not talking muscle-bound Ms Universe stuff – just a bit of toned lean muscle.  I’m not entirely there yet and I’m pretty sure my stomach will never be a washboard but I’m starting to feel comfortable in my skin for the first time that I can remember.

But that word - strong.  It took me back to Israel and a woman we met at the Daniel Rowing Centre in Tel Aviv.  Her name was (and, as far I know, still is) Moran Samuel. She was an athlete (a talented basketball player) and a student.  Then, when she was 24, she had a stroke, clean out of the blue, and became paralysed from the chest down.  Suddenly her life was turned upside down and she headed into rehab. Did she give up?  Did she hell.  She went and qualified as a physical therapist, working with children with disabilities.  She returned to playing basketball (in her wheelchair) with the men’s Paralympic team and then, as if she hadn’t already achieved enough, she took up rowing and has recently won a bronze medal in the World Rowing Championship and has a ticket to the 2012 Paralympics. If you want to read her story in words far more eloquent than mine, do visit the Vibe Israel blog here where Sally Whittle tells her story. 

She was wearing a t-shirt when we met her that said simply:

Strong is the new beautiful. 

I like that message. And it struck me it’s one that might not be bad to impart to our children.  Because, while I may not be after a size zero body, a helluva lot of teenage girls are.  And boys aren’t immune either.  They’re trying to disappear, to vanish somehow. Young bodies need to grow strong, they need the nutrients a good healthy diet gives.  We ain’t gonna stop the glossy magazines and fashion designers peddling anorectic models, however much we may wish they would – so it has to come from us as parents.  How do you do it?  I dunno.  Be careful about the messages you give out maybe?  I just wish someone or other had gently nudged me into exercise when I was fourteen, instead of sticking me on a starvation diet.

So no. I know that a size zero body doesn’t bring happiness to anyone.  I know that dieting and exercise doesn’t make one happy per se either.  Happiness is a curious concept and not, to my feeling, a process so much as a glimpse - a moment, a song on the wind, a tug in the heart, a tingle in the gut.  Or maybe not even a noun but a verb – a happying.  But while I wait for my lovely happyings – and come they do – I think I’ll settle for trying strong.  When I'm not feeling weak.  :) What you reckon?

btw, if you live around Exmoor you might like to come along to a day's bootcamp I'm doing with Trisha and another local fitness instructor, Nicola.  See here for details...

Adrian is sitting on my head

Back to school.  Back to reality. Back to my new classroom. 

Backtrack to the barmy days of summer (okay, poetic license).  Susie and I were lugging kettlebells on the grass by the river (watched by ducks, laughed at by small children, copied by Stalkerish Stretching Man) and I was lamenting my parlous finances (again).

‘You…need…to….see….Helen…’ Susie gasped.

‘He…len?’ I gasped back.

‘Yup.  Is…feng…shui…’

Eh? But we launched into a brutal series of cleans and so I had to wait until we went down on the grass for floorwork to find out more.  Turned out Helen was a feng shui wotnot (Master? Mistress?) and had ‘sorted’ out Susie’s house and, lo and behold, Susie had got herself a pretty stunning high-powered new job before you could say "bagua".  

‘I don’t want a high-powered job,’ I said, slugging the kettlebell over my head while scissor-kicking my legs feebly.  ‘I just want some straightforward money.  Living on freebies is all very good but it’s…limiting.’

‘Helen will sort it,' said Susie firmly. 'I’ll bring her over tomorrow.’

Tomorrow?? You think it’s bad getting your house ready for viewing by potential buyers? Pah! Let's face it, your average house buyer isn’t going to suck his or her teeth and go, ‘Gawd, crap energy flow’ or ‘Will you take a look at that cutting chi?’  I’ve learned enough about this stuff to know we had ‘issues’, to put it kindly.  Once again I’d managed to fall head over heels for a house that was, shall we say, challenged, not only in its structure and underpinning but also in its wealth corner.  But hey, what can you do?  It’s not like you can shove your dirty chi under the beds and disguise your pathetic tai-chi by grinding coffee beans, is it?  

She walked around, sighing softly.  In a dispirited sort of way.  I trailed behind, heels dragging, like a child that knows it’s going to get told off.  And I did what every naughty child does – shifted the blame. 

‘I’ve told Adrian again and again about the clutter in that room,’ I pre-empted. She gave me a beady look. then looked at my office. 

‘Oh dear.’   

The three of us sighed in unison. My office was too big, too cold (no kidding), had too many doors and way too much frenetic energy.  When Helen found out that Adrian’s office sat directly above mine, she shook her head.

‘He’s sitting on my head, isn’t he?’ I said mournfully.

She nodded. 

‘Well?’ said Adrian, after they’d gone and we were sitting at the kitchen table having a post-mortem. 

‘Well,’ I said, prodding a chocolate biscuit.  ‘Seems I can’t work cos you’re squatting on my head.’

‘Okay. And what do we do about that?’  You have to hand it to him. How many men would react like that?

‘Umm…well apparently I need to move my office into the guest room.’

'And this will bring in some work?' he said. Hopefully. 

'Apparently.  Allegedly. Whatever,' I said.

'Let's do it.' 

So the next day we dismantled the guest room and moved it downstairs into my ex-office which, frankly, does look a bit weird, like we’re getting ready to install Uncle Fred (if we had one) and a bedlift.  

And here I am - up in the guest bedroom - feeling…curiously light-headed.  

Dulverton goes Wicker Man

It’s all gone a bit Wicker Man in town this weekend.  I was sitting quietly in The Bridge, minding my own business, when I glanced up and saw a man staring across the bar with glowing red eyes.  No, really – they were glowing, glowing and red.  ‘Oh my God,’ said the people sitting at the next table. ‘He’s seriously scary.  What the hell is he?’ 
‘I don’t know but he looks fabulous,’ I said and jumped up and went and said hello.
‘Great look. Love the eyes.’
‘Thanks. Can’t see a bloody thing though. Hope I’ve got the right beer.’

Nice chap.  See, appearances are often deceptive. So I popped into the Ladies and found two girls adjusting their bindis and rearranging their boobs in jangly bras. 

Children with shaved heads and dinky DMs were running in feral little gangs.  You couldn’t move for guitars and fiddles and drums and bits of ribbon and, for some inexplicable reason, a lot of boxers (my favourite dog). Oh, and a traction engine, belching smoke.

It’s the Dulverton Folk Festival and TheBridge is having a beer festival to coincide so, as you can imagine, Adrian is as happy as the proverbial pig in shit.  Not the folk so much (he was more into punk and rock before hardcore classical stole his ears) – but he had a good deal to do with the beer selection.  James wasn’t so keen.
‘I’m scared of Morris men,’ he said, shuddering. ‘I think I have a phobia.’

Well, I get there is something a little unsettling about blacked up faces with staring red eyes; about masks and long pointy noses.  It’s all very raw and primitive.

‘They’re rude, they are,’ said a chap outside the church. ‘Downright rude.’
I frowned.  ‘But the ones I spoke to were lovely, really friendly.’ 
‘Oh no,’ he replied.  ‘They’re nice enough. I mean rude as in, well…’ He lowered his voice… ‘….sexual.  Honestly, it’s the wrong time of year.’
Eh?  Sex has seasons, like pheasant or salmon?  Who knew?  ‘Oh, I dunno,’ I said with a grin.  ‘Any time of year works for me.’  He looked a bit startled but grinned back.  ‘I guess you’re right.’

So, we wandered from pub to pub, catching a bit of music here, a bit of dancing there.  Listening in on folk wars and stifling grins.  ‘Is that a banjo you’ve got there?’ asked one woman innocently in the cafe, pointing at a case.  Eyebrows raised, eyes bulged and two fingers flashed across one another in a warding gesture. ‘Banjo? BANJO? It’s a mandolin.’ 

The only sour note came from a severe case of I’m Very Importantitis.  Last night a party of four bustled to the table next to us. ‘We’re the committee,’ said a large florid  chap in a bright sweatshirt with COMMITTEE or CHAIRMAN or summat of that ilk written across it.  Well, there's a surprise.  And, frankly, why on earth does being on a committee mean you get to be unpleasant and unfriendly?    ‘It’s very tiring organising this, you know,' he blustered, when we didn't genuflect with suitable awe.  'We need our food. We need our table.’  And who precisely was stopping him from having his food and table?  Ah, *sigh*. Whatever.

graphic by Sarah Diggle - perfect image!

Then, this morning, I pitched up, a trifle late, for my kettlebell class by the river and saw our little group facing off – yup - Mr Bumptious again, this time with two henchmen.  Turned out he was objecting to us doing our class on “their” festival weekend.  Apparently we would ‘steal customers’ from the festival and we were ‘taking advantage’ of “their” weekend for publicity. WTF?  Six local women slinging kettlebells around off under the trees at 10.30am on a Sunday morning?  Ye gods, the festival goers were still sleeping off the excesses of the night before.  It was raining.  Nobody was even performing or dancing.  Who the hell did they think we were going to steal?   

He spluttered and pontificated and clearly wanted to intimidate Trish into cancelling the class.  Honestly, why is it that some people feel the need to throw their perceived weight around?  Is it that classic case of big fish, small pond – a very shaky ego that needs bolstering?  But really, it was bullying and it pissed me off so I threw my toys out the pram a bit and, given I couldn’t lob a kettlebell at the pillock, I unpinned my Folk Festival badge and thrust it into his hand, stifling a laugh at myself for such a totally pathetic gesture. 

Anyhow.  Forget him.  I love  anything really that brings people into Dulverton.  I just hate petty-mindedness and small thinking.  If you’re around the area tomorrow, there is still beer left at The Bridge and there will be music wherever you go (yes, we have four pubs in town - greedy eh?).  And there will be more dancing and mayhem and misrule. 

I reckon we’re just missing one thing…  A good burning to round off the festivities! 

(tell me you've seen The Wicker Man? One of my all-time favourite films).