Tuesday, 14 June 2011

Swollen Testicles v the Moon

Okay, so I’ve been trying, I really have.  I watch everyone on Twitter, chatting about TV, and I figure, maybe I’m missing out here.  Maybe I should join in.  I mean, I do watch TV a bit – but it’s usually Top Gear or The Gadget Show or The Simpsons to keep James company – and I’ll only have half an eye on Jeremy Clarkson (unless he’s driving a particularly juicy motor) cos I’ll be balancing on my fitball and waving a kettlebell over my head (yup, those triceps still need a bit of work). 

But the other night I thought, no, give it a go.  So I sat on the sofa, turned on and – OMG – there was a vast swollen scrotum staring me in the eye.  For one bizarre moment I wondered if James had signed us up for some Sky package that involved porn channels, except no…this was not even remotely erotic (unless you get off on infected scrota of course – and, don’t tell me, some people probably do). 

I then watched, slack-jawed, some poor man having six stone – SIX STONE! – of stomach “apron” excised.  Six stone? Sorry, I keep repeating it but you know, that’s a large child. I don’t think I will ever expunge that image. 

It was about four times this size, btw
But really.  This is entertainment?  This is what we choose to do with our evenings?  Well, obviously because last night I found myself back on the sofa switching on again, with puzzled yet morbid fascination.  This time it was the women’s turn.  One poor girl had her humungous breasts lopped off and we got to see a woman with a prolapsed vagina expelling a squirt of urine up close.  In fact, the director liked the pee shot so much, we got it three times, until the woman finally managed to splash the consultant in the eye. 
Now, I’m not remotely squeamish.  I’ve watched operations up close; I’ve staunched a severed artery with my bare hands (not my own artery, I hasten to add) and I begged a surgeon to let me watch my own emergency C-section (he refused, the spoilsport) but, but, but…no.  Just no.   I turned away.


The moon was so huge, so bright.  It was flirting through the window at me, singing a love song to me and I just couldn't resist.  So I switched off the TV and walked out into the garden.  The daisies were shining like a reflection of stars.  The moon stroked my face so I lay down on the damp grass, stretched out and smelled earth and roses and lilies and the faintest hint of woodsmoke.  I felt the earth beneath me and gazed up at the clear night sky as the last vestiges of light faded to slate. For once I didn't go hurtling out into the darkness - I was content just to hang...just to hold the earth's hand and spin with it through space.


I so love moonlight.  Do you?  Do you ever really appreciate it?  Have you ever walked in the woods at night?  Your eyes adjust, you know – you don’t need a flashlight…  You see, you hear, you smell, you feel so much… Have you ever swum in a river at night?  Slid softly through black water?   Have you ever floated in the sea under the stars, your body caressed by moon and wave, floating in a nowhere place, twixt elements, inbetween time?  Oh, I know, I know….dangerous…  Oh whatever.  It’s beautiful, just beautiful…so beautiful….

….a million worlds away from the images on my TV screen.


For some reason Blogger won't let me embed a vid here:  but when I think of seas and floating this is the song that plays in my head:  it's Song to the Siren  by This Mortal Coil and it is just plain gorgeous.


It’s okay, btw – I know I’m weird, I know this isn’t the norm.  And I’m not judging or condemning, really I’m not.  It’s just…why?  Why do we watch TV?  Is it entertainment, escapism, bonding, numbing?  Honestly, I’d love to know. 

The show, btw#2, was Embarrassing Bodies and, having taken a look at their website I can see they do probably help demystify stuff and so on...and encourage people to see their GPs and check their bodies and....oh heck, there's a penis gallery and a vulva gallery....no, really, there is.  Jeez, sometimes you have to wonder about our bodies - I mean, couldn't they be a bit more aesthetic?  Couldn't someone run a competition or something - design decent-looking sex apparatus? 

15 comments:

Tracy Tidswell said...

I'm with you on this one. I'm not saying I never watch it but there is always something better to do. I did switch it on recently only to see fat people hanging from ropes over a swimming pool and then a programme called 'Hotter than my daughter' which was a whole psychology book, right there. Lots of programmes now, like 'Celebrity x factor on ice has got talent' or whatever they're called just seem to be making fun of people in some way and it makes me feel uncomfortable.
Also, the This Mortal Coil song is one of my favourite songs ever so thank you.

Joanne said...

I'd agree more about moonlight if I had woods and not Peckham to walk in...

You do remind me not to get trapped in front of the TV so much though - it depresses me, and this is the kind of crap I end up looking at. My brain was meant for more surely.

Yvonne Johnston (@Whyjay99) said...

If you're thinking of watching more TV it might be worth being a little more selective in what you chose to watch. It is often the case that one's teenage boy's viewing taste will differ from one's own.

Ben Langhinrchs said...

I almost never watch television. A movie once in a while with my wife, or The Office once in a while when she turns it on. Once in a while, I feel like I must be missing something and try a random show, and inevitably, it scares me straight and I go for another couple of months unable to shake whatever beastly image or thought is on.

The moon is far more appealing, as are the kids who play on the playground outside my office window. They laugh and run around like crazy. Much better than television.

Ma.Ste. said...

Wrong TV. Simple. But(t) not to worry. I'll spare you the link on your own blog. :o)

Milla said...

yup, TV is crap, so you have to take up knitting or sewing, or fiddling squinting through your phone at twitter or read up and ask, every now and again, "Is he the one who ...." but never, just never, merely watch it. Particularly pissing vaginas. Shudder.

Kate said...

I'm with you on the TV thing although I do have to admit to phases of sofa -time, mostly when I'm feeling really tired. But getting outside to see the moon, to feel the daisies and to swim in midnight water would always be infinitely more preferable.

Frances said...

Jane, I think our official June full moon night will be tomorrow, I hope that this afternoon's clouds will have blown out to sea by then. I love looking at the moon, watching it rise, really letting time pass as I become aware of the motion of our planet.

Television watching is something I do not do much. Maybe some news programs. Poirot re-reruns, Wimbledon and the US Open tennis. Even then, I echo Milla in usually having some other project underway sharing my attention.

xo

Melpomene Selemidis said...

I love the moon and all those dark earthy pleasures you talk about! And that tv show is disgusting! I may have seen it once or twice. ;) Why would people allow cameras to film
their embarrassing bodies???? Yuchhk!

Great blog!

Hildred and Charles said...

Your moon words are beautiful, - all of them. I only watch English shows on TV, but haven't run into this particular ilk as yet!!! I will keep ducking....

speccy said...

Oh, I haven't heard This Mortal coil in years! Thanks for that :)
I do tv, but it's mostly recorded so I miss a lot of rubbish. This is not a complaint.

Tattie Weasle said...

problem is I just love TV, but then I am an addicitve soul and everyone knows TV's the opiate of the masses. I also like blundering about in the dark with just the moon for light, I blunder usually because I forget to put my glasses on....

jay said...

Totally understand this post. I watched Xfactor for the first time in a while tonight, and felt the only way to "cleanse myself" was to admire the STUNNING moon outside.

I was rewarded with a bunch of photos I'm really pleased with - far more interesting and satisfying than a 6 stone stomach apron.

What the holy hell.

jay said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mary Poppins said...

What a beautifully worded post, we often talk about chucking out the television, most of it is rubbish, and hardly have it on these days, I quite like BBC4 though. I used to love lying on the grass when I was a little girl staring at the sky, the moon, the stars, looking out for shooting stars and satellites. Where i didnt have a care in the world, Reminds me , must do it more often. x