‘Do you wanna come for a week’s Boot Camp?’ asked Julie.
‘Shit yeah! Of course I do! When?’
‘It kicks off this weekend.’
Nooooo. Damn. Damn. Triple damn. Adrian is off on his travels again next week so I’m left holding the fort. Ah well, there’s always Zumba tomorrow night. Except – damn and blast again – he’s away then as well. At which point I’m really wishing James had taken to flexi-boarding. But, hey, what can you do?
But then it got even more cruel. I was whining on Twitter last night about my poor teeth – or rather lack of them. Now, let’s be clear, in the scheme of things they’re not that bad – people don’t openly flinch when I open my mouth; I don’t get cast as the evil witch for Hallowe’en..except… hmm.Anyhow, it’s just that I had this weird thing whereby four of my adult teeth simply never appeared (dentists are always fascinated by that – they get quite excited even and, heck, it takes a lot to get a dentist excited, apart from the flashing of credit cards) so, once the baby ones went mank, there was nothing to take their place. Hence four gaps.
Add to that the ones at the front where I bit my mate Mark’s head at Heaven in the 80s and the ones I chipped on nougat and the whole lot really need sorting. In fact I was watching Knight and Day (possibly the worst film I’ve seen since Waterworld) and was just mesmerised by Tom Cruise’s incisors (though maybe they’d been photo-shopped along with the rest of him). So then I get an email with the title ‘teeth’. Open it up to find a PR is offering me a consultation with a top dentist.
‘Well that would be lovely except I know what’s wrong and I can’t afford to get it fixed,’ I said in a self-pitying tone.
‘Well, if you could write about it in the press, he’d probably do it for free.'What??? Free teeth? I nearly snapped off the hand that offered except… Sigh. It’s about time I got my arse in gear and found a new outlet for my wellbeing writing, it really is. Not that I’m feeling self-centred or anything… But…new teeth??
I know this sounds self-indulgent, I’m really aware of it. But it’s the dangling that gets me. Now, if nobody had mentioned bootcamps or new teeth, I wouldn’t remotely be sitting here thinking, ‘Darn, hellfire, I wanna go exhaust myself with eight hours exercise a day’ or ‘I must have a gleaming straight white smile’, would I? Whereas now – see - I’m feeling hard done by. You ever have that?
Should I be stoical and say there's a reason? Or should I listen to Mick and think I might not get what I want but I might get what I need? Oh feck that.
Soooo, world. Don’t offer things if you ain’t gonna deliver. Alright? It’s plain mean.
PS: check out Brealy BootCamps - one place going this weekend. It didn’t work for me but maybe there is a reason – maybe it's waiting just for you! Go on...click the link! ;)